The last couple of months a few of my friends & acquaintances have been ending up with difficult discions and situations. I don't know why, maybe because several of us are in our mid 30ies and academics and now getting sorted out with "family-of-our-own-life" so we are indeed a few years behind on the "breaking loose from parents and starting our own lifes?" but still....
It's been quite a few who have cut contact with their own parents (or, in some cases, their in-laws). And some whose parents have decided that "they don't want any more contact since the children aren't abiding to the parents' wishes and rules". Some of them are one-sided from the "children", some from the parents, and some seem to be mutual "let's not pretend anymore"...
To me, it's been a little strange to watch from the sidelines since most of them are still in the same country as their parental units. Not expats (if that's the word?) like myself going through the "why don't you come home more*". Then again, one of my fellow former post-docs is going through the "well, guess I won't have to bother with them anymore" as not in the same country... still though, most of them are in the same countries.
I can't help but wonder if it's just me not thinking about that this would be a problem... but it's always been a problem but the distance between children and parents (nevermind if it is an ocean or "just" a few kilometers in another city) is increasingly putting a new pressure on it. Afterall, it's not too many generations ago (2?) that immediate family stayed close by eachother and lived and socialised together. Then again, maybe I just thought "it was going to work out since everyone are willing to adjust and compromise since family is important".
Ha. Don't worry, I can see the rainbow, roses and fairytale frame too.... not the reality one. It just leaves an unsettling emotion in my tummy...
*vacation is counted in hours here... not weeks...
3 comments:
I think in North America so many of our parents are immigrants and didn't have to live by their own parents rule, but fail to realize this. Now they have some idealized vision of how their children are supposed to centre their lives around them (the parents) even though the parents never did....
How sad. I'm sure in some cases the cutting of ties benefits both parties, but still... I think it's incredibly sad when it happens, for any reason.
SM: Interesting that you would say that. In a few of the cases, it's very obvious (to me as an outsider at least) that the parents didn't consider their parents not even a little of the degree thy now want their own children (as grown ups) to consider them... if you understand what I mean_?!
I recognize it mainly in the whole "we're happy you think for yourself but only as long as you end up with the same choices and decisions we made" ^^
Cath: Yes, I do feel it's sad - in most of them its very one sided. And lots of regrets and sadness. I wonder if it is a little more of that "holiday stress early" or something?? But it is stressful when THanksgiving is coming around - and for back home, Christmas...
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