Friday, September 29, 2006

one good thing in the world of chaos and destruction

I have had to choose on which day to recieve these good results I think I would have chosen the last two days for sure. (Yes, the days have been bad - for real.) It actually gives me some kind of hope for this project (even though I have been known to be uneffective when it comes to part two: aka known as "the primers". I have promised myself though, I will order them before the weekend and due to things I will not talk about today I will have lots of time next week to stay in late at lab etc. Then I might actually get to do the pcrs and the sequencing.).

So, back to the happy project, which I probably should call "look, there is actually something happeing here" and then maybe, just maybe write some kind of draft for a manuscript... or a least summerize for the PI what has been done and what needs to be done in order to get a manuscript. Or I could always let him lead (since in this place obviously the PI plans the manuscript and what need to be done more rather than the post doc.)

There is a difference adding the compound 6 h after the bacteria rather than 24 hours. Gahh... sometimes the theory can be proven and not disproven! :) Always something... need to have a nice little graph of it though.

Then I can go home to the weekend I will never ever want to repeat. And yes, I do know that in advance. And yes, it will probably break my heart. And yes, still I will try, try, TRY and believe that it might work. But then again, Eeyore might come and visit Sunday night... we'll see what happens. But of course, as always, I must wait and see. (If I ever could have one wish it would be now and a time travel machine to the future. )

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

in his sleep he turns to her

"He is not very warm these days, more distant, cold... like a former friend I once new. They are slowly turning around, slowly as to not disturb one another and their own space. The wierdness is in the air. Every day she looks for the same thing. Every day she gets rejected. Not openly as in words, but rather the things not said. She longs for the old times when he could look at her and just smile and the warmth of the smile radiated into her and thawed her heart. Made her not so distant, made it possible to love. Picked up the pieces and put together the heart, once broken in so many parts, shattered for the wind. Not any more. The smile is gone from his face. It might be another smile but it is not the same. Not the same warmth, not the same care. Just a smile, with nothing behind it. She longs for the smile, the other one. She longs for feeling his heart towards her own. But nothing like that happens during the day. She waits in vane.

In the night they go to bed. Lay next to eachother. Where they before shared a kiss and a warm good night is now only silence. Nothing is as it once was. And she slowly dies inside. The light goes out. He turns away and yawns. She hears his breathing turn into sleep. Slow, long breaths. And then she stares into the night. Into the dark room. And waits. She hears his body turning, in the sleep. His arms wrap around her. His nose into her hair. She waits for the only moment, when his body gives in to something that his mind will not do. And that is what keeps her heart from breaking. That only moment. In his sleep, he turns to her. Giving her warmth. Seeking her out. Looking for her.

But he still has a ticket out. And he still does not talk about it in the morning. They wake up in silence. Things are not what they once were. Hopefully they will be. The hope still lives in her. For a while. For the next night. For the next time the arms will look for what they once loved. Once promised to love. But inside there is doubt. And the feeling of emptyness. The feeling of a heart too close to breaking. Only this time, there will be no saving. Only lost hope and lonliness.

research and work

Things to do when you're dead... or not. Well, there are certainly things I would love to do, and then of course there are things I'd love to not do for the rest of my time here on earth... I have been postponing doing one thing for several weeks and now I realise that it might have been really stupid. Ah well, we'll see what happens after next Monday anyway. If people really stick to their promises or not.

There is also this thing about swiching seats from "knowing it all" to "please, I'm new with this", also known as "I suck at this and nothing really works - sorry for being so lousy at all this". Let's just say that I realise, again, that I am not a person that handles pressure and being new to things good. Pressure on it's own, fine. Not knowing things and always being new to things.. .nahh... combination sucks. I do not like the idea that people think I am lazy (especially when I have that nagging feeling that I have right now, knowing that I haven't worked really that hard as I could have but have really thought about other things and tried to live a life even though I started a new job). Partly this since I know that when I started my last job I really worked every day for a year, almost anyway -lets say 6 out of 7 days plus being at work long hours, and when I finally started working regular hours my boss asked me why I was slacking off... so, I kind of thought this time I would do it the other way around, or at least not presuming to be lazy once I have a so called "family life" here.

Well, family might be a bit strong to call it, but anyway. I won't talk about that here. Not now anyway.

So, I promised myself today that I wouldn't stick my head in the sand but rather take a bite at the things that scare me and really do them. It is now 30 min before "going home as I promised" and I haven't even started doing that... so, I guess I know what I'll do tomorrow.

Hopefully I will soon stop to have belly ache for bad results and look on life a little more happy. Guess this is why I question if my future really is in science... on the other hand, there is nothing more fun than to look at the results when you have had a theory that's been tested and you know something new and fun :) I just have to focus in that and remember, my phd time wasn't exactly easy and this is not even close to that... so, maybe I'll survive without being too crushed.

time to go.