Thursday, June 20, 2013

retaking the exam

I was waiting for the result of the exam I took earlier this spring and found out today that I didn't pass it.

I'm a little annoyed that I failed, but not feeling as bad as I thought. Maybe because I didn't really think I studied enough due to working a lot and not treating it as serious as I should've? And maybe because I think I didn't deserve to pass it. I didn't fail it by much, just a few questions tipping the scale for just outside.... maybe that helps with my feelings about it too? And the fact that last year the passing rate was 38% so I'm in good company with the majority taking the test (this may not be true this year though, the stats aren't out yet).

In any event, I feel better now that I know the result. Recent events in my life have been pointing this out to me very clearly that I can easily stress myself by looking at unknown situations and waiting for answers. I have a tendency to "make up alternative scenarios" - not the best trait all the time. And especially when stressed about a number of things* and then adding the unknowns together, yeah not the best thing.

One of my friends told me today "not to google what I _think_ I saw and heard" at the doctor's office since "I will find out the results when the experts have looked at them and tell me in context". No need for me to get all excited (scared that is) before I know what they think they know. It's not easy being a control freak at times. So, for now, I will move my focus back to work since I don't have to waste energy thinking about the exam nor the re-study since it is 10 more months before I can even apply again..... As for the other stress events, I will know in due time and make my plans accordingly afterwards.

*one of the meetings in a new team went a little south the other week. Partly because of a communication issue, partly because the stress of the deadline looming didn't seem as obvious to some of the members. It's not easy going through the 'storming' phase of a team building in the making.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

things, action plan and stuff

Just a little place holder since I had hope that I would write something that wasn't a whine... nor an "introspective teen angst" but something scientific and relating to work and leadership and other stuff that relates to work.

Then work and other things happened and my life got very busy and I started back into the gym loop to try and keep the anxiety away. And tonight is Stanley Cup finals first game... after working and getting home by 8.30, and tomorrow is being at work at 7 am... as is Friday. Yeah.

So, in not so long terms; I wrote an application for a new job but before I submitted it (on a Monday). I realised the posting disappeared between Friday and Monday morning (rookie mistake always check before opening and adding a bunch of details and such). I wrote another application and kept my cv up to date in case "that other job" opened up (it didn't). I will apply for the other (third) job very soon since that seems to be the way to go. I found out a not so nice "surprise" about things that matter to me in my present life, thus the three applications. I might be semi happy right now, but in two years? Not as sure....

There has been some others issues on the side lines making trouble. Team work, as usual a little more stressful than teamworkwithroseyglasses (so tiresome sometimes when people are a little naive). Dead lines that are heavy, hard and very close by. Other dead lines, similarly heavy and close by.... but I don't want to be a whiny person, and I've been one the last couple of months due to things. So, it might be better to change something drastically.

If nothing else, looking at it from a distance brings out the obvious problem. I don't really care about money when I look at work and happiness. However, if I'm ending up feeling used since I'm the lowest paid person in my "level" but being asked to do the most "responsible" things, and having great responsibilities with all that it entails ... well, then I will stop since I'm tired of being taken advantaged of. Simple as that. Sometimes that means down grading what you are doing, sometimes it just means not making the extra stuff a priority. And sometimes it means that you have to leave to make a point.

I'll see what happens in the future but for now it's a nice novelty to feel a little more free and not striving to "make everyone happy" since I don't want to feel too used and tricked and fooled.

Here's to just a small incline of disobedience. I'm doing it if you tell me to, but I won't volunteer. That train has sailed (sic!)