Saturday, October 27, 2012

over-thinker, over-analysing, over-critical

I read Alyssa's post about body image and working out a few weeks back and thought about a post I wrote a couple of months back but never posted... partly because I thought it was TMI, partly because it was a little too whiny. Then I've realised that maybe it's becuase I'm an overthinker, a perfectionist and not good at grey. It's either black or white. You're either great looking, thin and wonderful; or you're not at all. nothing like "I'm ok and it's good".

I had thought about writing "You want a negative interpretation of that?" since that is indeed one of my best abilities when it comes to myself. Not when I hear comments given to others or view data from others - although, it is fairly common and I'm known for my analytical and problem finding abilities [most often at work they're considered a great assest though] - but when things are directed towards myself (comments, camera ... to name a few).

It has been part of me for a very long time, and trust me when I say that if I could boot one thing, it would be the "negative-interpretaion-perfectionist" in the back of my head that spends a little too much time chatting and mentioning things that really doesn't need space. For a while now, I've been good at tuning it out for the most part. I hear it once, but banish it and move on. No dwelling, and if someone was really upset they would tell you, right? Not wanting to put too much time on something that most likely is non-true. Of course, I fail miserable other times.

Staring a photos from the beach (really? Who'd though that was ever a good idea, good self-image or not?), focusing solely on "that fat arm", "my chin really looks like a horrible triplechin", "there is NO waist there at all", culminating in "geez, how can I even show up outside without people lining up and laughing at me and telling me to join the circus". Not understanding when my family - as parents would do - tell me that I look lovely and it was such great photos and they're happy to print them and put them up at home (oh the horror!).

Yeah.... slightly problematic at times. Then of course, there are those lovely times when I look into the mirror and say to myself "wow, that's some hot awesomeness right there" and smirk at myself. Or, like last week at the gym, when a man oogled my weight machine and said "you're really strong, how much is that weight really?. I smiled and thought "yey" although my comment to him was - of course- was "Thanks but if i'm this big i might as well pack some muscle".Making myself a disservice if anything.)

One recurring annoyment of people close to me is that I wonder "how do I compare to her size" and mean people we see. They don't understand. I really have NO conception on how big I am, how I look etc. Half of the times I think I look pretty ok, even cute at times. Then I see the photos and my mind reels since there is NO way the woman in the photos would be considered even close to cute. Rather bad words come up...

Anyway, I am aware of the problem. I am working on it. And if nothing else, you know how much time and effort I wold save by not thinking all these thoughts every day? Geez, I could probably read another book or solve some real problems ^^

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

bingo for Presidental debate (USA)

I did my own Bingo brick for the debate tomorrow. I'm not sure I'll watch it since
a) I'm not allowed to vote
b) I will get angry at the TV
c)I will most likely get sad about the state of affairs (can't they talk about REAL things)

although, I do care about politics and I would like to see what they say and do....

I'll see what obvious words I missed - unless anyone out there in the blogosphere can tell me that right now of course?!