I read Alyssa's post about body image and working out a few weeks back and thought about a post I wrote a couple of months back but never posted... partly because I thought it was TMI, partly because it was a little too whiny. Then I've realised that maybe it's becuase I'm an overthinker, a perfectionist and not good at grey. It's either black or white. You're either great looking, thin and wonderful; or you're not at all. nothing like "I'm ok and it's good".
I had thought about writing "You want a negative interpretation of that?" since that is indeed one of my best abilities when it comes to myself. Not when I hear comments given to others or view data from others - although, it is fairly common and I'm known for my analytical and problem finding abilities [most often at work they're considered a great assest though] - but when things are directed towards myself (comments, camera ... to name a few).
It has been part of me for a very long time, and trust me when I say that if I could boot one thing, it would be the "negative-interpretaion-perfectionist" in the back of my head that spends a little too much time chatting and mentioning things that really doesn't need space. For a while now, I've been good at tuning it out for the most part. I hear it once, but banish it and move on. No dwelling, and if someone was really upset they would tell you, right? Not wanting to put too much time on something that most likely is non-true. Of course, I fail miserable other times.
Staring a photos from the beach (really? Who'd though that was ever a good idea, good self-image or not?), focusing solely on "that fat arm", "my chin really looks like a horrible triplechin", "there is NO waist there at all", culminating in "geez, how can I even show up outside without people lining up and laughing at me and telling me to join the circus". Not understanding when my family - as parents would do - tell me that I look lovely and it was such great photos and they're happy to print them and put them up at home (oh the horror!).
Yeah.... slightly problematic at times. Then of course, there are those lovely times when I look into the mirror and say to myself "wow, that's some hot awesomeness right there" and smirk at myself. Or, like last week at the gym, when a man oogled my weight machine and said "you're really strong, how much is that weight really?. I smiled and thought "yey" although my comment to him was - of course- was "Thanks but if i'm this big i might as well pack some muscle".Making myself a disservice if anything.)
One recurring annoyment of people close to me is that I wonder "how do I compare to her size" and mean people we see. They don't understand. I really have NO conception on how big I am, how I look etc. Half of the times I think I look pretty ok, even cute at times. Then I see the photos and my mind reels since there is NO way the woman in the photos would be considered even close to cute. Rather bad words come up...
Anyway, I am aware of the problem. I am working on it. And if nothing else, you know how much time and effort I wold save by not thinking all these thoughts every day? Geez, I could probably read another book or solve some real problems ^^
7 comments:
Well, if it's any consolation, I'm the same. And I have some other triggers besides photos, for example, when I go clothes shopping and since most stores have the Italian concept of sizing (going at most to 42 European size), even the largest size is too small for me (44-46, which I don't think is really that big if I look at myself, but stores disagree). Yeah, total fun to spark my negative self-talk.
I've identified three (!) stores in my town that do go up to over 46, so I've decided that I'm not even going to try any other shop anymore (which other people completely don't understand, but there you go).
Also what is weird is that this place is not exactly known for Italian-sized people and I do see a lot of people, many young who are really big and literally obese. No idea where they get clothes, perhaps they have to order them through internet or somtehing?
Sounds good that you have a few stores you know to go to! And I think I know where you are, and I second the confusing on the size? Maybe it's more of the "if you have the money you're thinner?" I know the upscale store I went to told me something to the effect "these clothes look good on someone in size 2-8, after that it's really not worth it". thanks for playing ^^
clothes sizing seems like a "make it up as we go along" ;) They are all very different. The waist/hip/bust measurements and ratios are most often different between stores and also btw brands.
Or maybe it's that "confection" (off the rack) is simply the least bad alternative since tailoring directly is very expensive. (I usually alter my dresses though, it's worth the money.) ... thanks for the comment - i was fretting about too personal ..
I find I minimize compliments or deflect them. I'm trying to just say "thank you" and move on, but it's tough.
I also always want to compare myself to the size of others - if I know I'm bigger/smaller than some woman at the mall/walking down the street/etc., I'll have a better idea on where I "stand" in the looks/size department.
I echo Pika's comment in that I find clothes frustrating. Even though I'm below average in size (apparently) I often can't find clothing in my size! That gets me down about myself.
I have the same problem with pictures. It was really eye opening once when I sat down to look at my former labmate's wedding pictures with her. She looked wonderful in them, but she kept talking about her "fat" arm and her "bad" teeth. She didn't have either of those things! So, I think we may be to harsh on ourselves.
It's good that you're working on breaking the thought cycle. I've learned that I have to do that with both my body image and my science image.
Alyssa: It would be great to be able to say thank you and feel a little happy about it, wouldn't it?! Brain... ^^
Amanda: yes, it's easy to spot the crazy in others when they see photos for example, much harder to avoid be critical looking at yourself. If nothing else, I keep reminding myself that truly the most boring thing is someone who always complains about herself (esp if it's not even "true"). And who wants to be debbie downer?
The clothing problem is compounded when your closest mall is in an area with a very large South-East Asian population, and almost all of the clothes in stock are size 10 or below because that's what they mostly sell... they never have all styles / colours available in my size. I feel like an elephant in there I tells ya, even though I'm actually a pretty average size for the population as a whole.
As my friend told me once, the best way to feel instantly slimmer is to drive south for an hour... sorry US friends, but it's true!
Cath. Well, I live in one of those "bigger cities" ^^I've said before though that I get confused since there are roughly two types of ppl here. The really slim and skinny ones, and the larger (as in real large) ones. I don't see the (let's call them Canadian/Swedish ones for this example) the broad shoulder and working out types; they're not slim but not larger.... just an "odd" version.
Ah well, right now I'm happy that I'm not feeling like super wierd on finding clothes due to large stock of clothes for size 10 and petites... then I would be doomed ^^
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