End of 2022 - long live 2022, welcome 2023

I realized yet again how much I've missed writing regularly and also getting the occasional comment. It's been a few years, this blogging format is not as interesting to people as it once were. (Oh the humanity of feeling old when writing sentences like that.)

But rather than write a section on this, I'd settle for writing a two parter - "End of 2022" and "Beginning of 2023" since I noted the other week when talking to a friend that I really need to exhale, inhale and relax. Refocus might be the word. Or just "quiet quitting"? All of the words fit into the idea that the hamster wheel I've been in the last couple of year (let's say since covid started, to make me feel better and not because it is true) and quitting it and making my life a "healthy work-life balance".
Also, I ended up joking about wanting to burn sage and "cleanse the air to move into 2023 without regrets". That's when I really knew I was in the deep end of the pool.
Needless to say, this year has brought its own new experiences to light. And with them, a couple of notions to consider and use for personal growth.

• What is important

• What I thought was important

• What I want to be important moving forward

To no surprise, apart from maybe myself, I've been remiss in my own personal health. As in prioritizing sleep, training and stress management. So that's been a focus the last couple of months. It helped that I had an injury in summer time that made it clear to me how impaired my life would be when/if it would happen due to age. Note to self; "I don't handle not having balance or being able to walk or run that well".

And the reminder when co-workers were offered new opportunities and decided to take them. If nothing else, it makes you evaluate "what is important to me?". Everyone knows that when people leave, especially in the a place where it's not possible to post the position until the person is officially leaving, there is a change in team dynamics and responsibilities. 

It's also a great reminder that you are not stuck in where you are, but as the -sometimes trite - saying goes "you have the ability to change your circumstance". It's nice to be able to turn down offers when deciding what is important and feeling that you got to choose.

And that is mentioning only the most obvious things. There's been other events (smaller in family and larger in world changing) that have affected life and general thoughts on future. Plus the added joy and complexity of family, friends and acquaintances in this world of covid/post-covid/new-normal/new-not-regular-could-we-get-different. (Let's be clear, there are still a lot of resistance to science.)

For this ending of 2022 though, I'd like to be happy that I accomplished a few goals that I set up earlier this year. For the sake of accountability and sharing, I'd make it three.

• I managed to get my balance back and finished a half-marathon even thought I didn't run the entire 13.1miles (life-joy related).
• I got a new certification (work related).
• I continued to give specific% of income to charity and be involved in causes of societal importance, especially with focus to women's health, food security and human rights.

So yes, I would say that 2022 brought a few things to the table to consider for future and immediate future. And I will move into 2023 with a couple of agenda items to execute right away and some to keep on the long-term-to-do-list.

For this post though, Happy End of Year 2022! Let's move into the new year with aspirations, hope and action.

"No, not pregnant, just fat" - World Childless Week 2022

It seems like yesterday, to be fair it was only a few weeks ago (again), when I was asked if I was pregnant. It was in context of a book I'd purchased so it wasn't to do with my body shape per se, but it's not the first time I've been asked. Granted, I thought this would be a thing of years past. Since I'm now of an age where I personally don't think anyone should ask if I'm pregnant. (Not that there really is a good time for anyone to ask anyone if their pregnant but still.... )

When people ask nowadays if I have children I choose between answering
a) no
b) no, unfortunately not
c) no, that didn't work out
d) I would've loved to but that didn't happen

depending on the situation. Years ago I would've said "no" and nothing else. 

Possibly, I'm now more tired of the presumption that I'm childless since I chose to be childless which is why option b-d is more likely in conversations. Although that opens up for the comments like "aww, have you thought of IVF?" or "there's so many options of having a family today" or "have you considered adoption?". And depending on my mood, if I'm inclined to answer these - coming from a good place yet not the best to say most of the time- statements.

Then again, I'd be the first to acknowledge the journey this have been and how it's evolved in regards to sadness, denial, agony, helplessness, bitterness, envy, hopelessness, resignation, bargaining, acceptance and other feelings that arise when the world, hope&dreams and you are not in alignment.

If there is anything I would like people to consider and know re this topic? 

That IVF isn't the end all solution to childless people. I know that the feeling of many is that IVF is successful. Yet, there is a lot of people and cases who don't succeed with a live baby in the end of an IVF cycle. And with a lot of people, I mean less than 25% are successful. And that is without factoring in age factors. So, not a panacea for all the childless hoping people.

Regardless of my IVF comment above, main issue for me with childlessness is that it's something that is complex and deeply personal. Also probably something that the average person doesn't talk about too much (even though the percentage of people having children is decreasing) since it is complicated and have a lot of feelings involved.

Anyhooo.... this week is World Childless Week and you can find the program here: https://worldchildlessweek.net/

Giving Tuesday - matching donatings

It's "Giving Tuesday" - it's the Tuesday in the American Thanksgiving week.

It means that some donations to charities are matched today, which means more impact than a regular day. It's also a good time to give for the Holidays, the local food bank, the Toys-for-Tots, the Holiday present pantries and other places that focus on giving those who might not have anything something.

I'm listing the charities I usually give to - both today and otherwise, plus great "office gifts". I mean, who doesn't like getting a or "Basket of Hope" or a "Honeybees"? (Heifer).

• The Gift catalog at Heifer has a lot of different animals, school support and varying amounts of money.
• Start a monthly micro loan with Kiva .You pick who you loan money to and where they live.
• Doctors without Border/MSF the ones who stay when everyone leaves, stays closest to the war lines, builds communities and currently, keep giving vaccines to children where others have stopped.
• More local for me in the South of USA, the MidSouth foodbank who has been working a lot the last 19 months providing children and families with food when schools been closing due to covid19.
• Another local charity, that helps women with work like bee keeping and making goods with the honey, Thistle&Bee
• And finally, since the worlds is a scary place and democracy isn't gaining popularity as much as at least I hoped, Amnesty international to send support, put pressure and help people. There's always a support card to send to an imprisoned person or bring attention to a situation that's unacceptable or donate money.

All in all, please feel free to send along other good options where money and attention will help good causes.

Happy Giving Tuesday! Let's make a difference.

my tale of D&C - not what you might think

I wrote this in 2020 but it felt too personal and I hesitated then. After last week and the decision in Texas and US Supreme Court I feel more alright publishing it now.

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It's a story - about something that people have an opinion about - or at least they think they do. It's really about definitions of words and what they mean to people. And of course, about medical codes and how they influence medical treatments today. 

I never wanted to write this post. I'm a bit personal about a few of my personal failures. However, at times my friends tell me that it's not really failures (per se), and it might make a difference talking and being open about them ("since you are a PhD, an educated woman and having agency" - their words). 

I also have had conversations with Trump voters and ended up having a similar reaction where they were surprised that their pro-life/anti-abortion stance had a negative impact on medical decisions, so I am trying to be more comfortable with this blog post.

Years ago I went for an investigation of my female reproductive parts as part of trying to have children. It involved trace dye in the fallopian tubes and then it was a "routine ultra sound of the uterus", which shouldn't have been an issue since I go to annual checkups and having everything cleared. However, during this routine checkup I of course asked the nurse (I'm an idiot, did I tell you? a nosy PhD person... with an ultra sound wand up her private parts... trying to make it less weird and more regular....) "does it look normal"?

The answer she gave, while she looked at me and trying to give a normal face (bless her heart) was "the doctor will call you with the results in the afternoon".

So when I left the visit and started to drive to work (since the appointment was in the morning - it was supposed to be a routine appointment as usual), all I kept thinking was "there's something there because otherwise she would've said it was all fine".

The physician (MD - I can't refer him as a doctor in this blog post since I'm the PhD and also a "doctor" and it played tricks with me) called me in the afternoon - and one of the more surrealistic conversations that I've had took place. Note, the MD and I are at this point well aware that I'm a trained microbiologist PhD working with cancer - sure it's pediatric cancer but some of it overlap...  Anyhow, his comment is that the ultrasound shows a growth and it should be taken out. "It's not definitively cancerous, but it wasn't there when we checked last".

Physcian doesn't think it is cancerous, however it has grown in less than two years so it's recommended to take it out for women who are of child bearing age to check for malignant cells - especially if trying to become pregnant.

The kicker, for me who is not grown up in the US health system, is that the physician tells me that due to my cycle they can only remove the growth the day after tomorrow or otherwise I would have to wait another 20 or so days. 

Why? Because due to the procedure being coded as an D&C, it can only be prescribed at certain days of a woman's cycle to be sure it is not "that kind of D&C"*, since the hospital is a Catholic hospital and they do not perform abortions. This means that they can't do anything with "a growth" in the uterus between day - say 10 - and the menses. During this time the "growth" could be a fetus, and since abortions aren't allowed, there are no D&C/surgeries allowed. (While the physician might not think this is best for the patient, their insurance and hospital admittance privileges do not allow it.)

The main issue of course is that D&C means "Dilation and curettage". It's used to describe a surgical procedure in which the cervix is opened (dilated) and a thin instrument is inserted into the uterus. This instrument is used to remove tissue from the inside of the uterus (curettage). It is used for ANY tissue in the uterus, which make sense when thinking about it from a medical procedure. "Something" is removed from a part in the body. It's not known what "something" is when removing it since that is often why it's removed, it shouldn't be there.

In short, I needed a abnormal growth removed. The tumor could be benign or malign, that wasn't the key issue. The key issue was that the surgery to take out the growth was only allowed being taking out between days in my cycle when contraception had not taken place (example of possible contraception day 11 to day 28 in a woman's cycle) for the hospital to allow it due to the place and the medical coding. 

It would be alright to let this growth grow more while waiting since hospital rules does not allow abortions even though this was 100% not an abortion but would be coded similarly in the medical chart and to insurance.

Long story short; it wasn't a fetus, it was a growth that turned out to be benign when I got the result five weeks later. "No malignant cells were found in your tissue." Good for me. But it could've been different.

The other obvious issue (apart from being alright to let potential malicious growths grow bigger while waiting) is the conversation of what the term "abortion" means when throwing it around in the "public setting" (when voting on it) vs the "legal and medical setting". This is also how people view "6 weeks pregnant".

Let's just reiterate that medical profession and legal profession have made a few standards that don't correlate exactly to what "the public" thinks it means. Pregnancy is such a thing. You are considered 6 weeks pregnant in legal and medical view - 6 weeks after your last menstruation's first day. That has nothing to do with "embryo development".

It's presumed that you have a 28 day cycle and that you ovulate on day 11-15 (looking at real data this is not accurate at some ovulate at day 6 and some at day 28). The whole pregnancy counting is furthermore based on the fact that since medical professionals know people ovulate at different times in their cycle and the ONLY thing an outsider knows is "when there was bleeding" (lots of religions make this a conversation with man & wife since there are cleansing parts after a wife has bled...) the pregnancy will be counted from the first day you bled last. Knowing full well that there is NO chance anyone is pregnant at that point (menses literary means the uterus is empty of a fetus), it's the way to start the calendar/counting and doesn't mean much for accuracy of start of conception or delivery date.

This means that at "6 weeks pregnant" most embryos are between 2 and 3 weeks. It also means that many  people might have discovered that they missed their period with a few days. However, back to the overall "misconception about menstruation" it's not that uncommon to have a few days extra/less of your cycle based on stress, food intake, global travel etc. And that is if your are lucky to have a "regular cycle", which is probably 50% or less of all at any given time.

Anyway, I wanted to not get side tracked into the other parts of legislature regarding abortion (might be another post down the line) as there is a disconnect between "what public think is general cases" and "what the medical reality is". And also how these legislatures affect health and medical decisions of pregnant people. 

To have a miscarriage that doesn't expel, but where the fetus is dead or dying, and not being allowed a D&C is fatal for the woman carrying the fetus. But for this post, let's leave it as "it's more complicated as a lot of Texas and other governmental people say it is".

Playoffs and re-entry into the world

It's been one of the things I've really liked after New Years 2020 and we got 2021. While it was still a ranging pandemic, while I was still stressed out about my family and friends on the other side of the planet (and close by me here in the USA) not having access to the vaccine, it was a fantastic thing to get some sports to divert attention. I am of course talking about NHL and hockey.

I can easily say that some of the better moments in my life have been inspired by/due to/influenced by hockey like going to a game, talking to new acquaintances and mentioning hockey or hanging out in the bloggosphere and get a sense of community with other hockey nerds (being from Sweden in this case and reading and commenting on this blogg). 

Anyway, the story for this blog post is two-fold. First "vacation weekend from the house since covid last year in March" (with partner and not visiting parents) was a weekend to Nashville to watch hockey - and that the Predators clinching a playoff spot. SO NICE to see live hockey! And to interact with people around us and talk geeky/nerdy talk on who would win and hopes and dreams. I can't wait to do it again!

Secondly, now it's PLAYOFFS. I decided to go through my shirt collection and finding the ones for the teams in the playoffs and also noting how many shirts I really have.... jerseys I only have Kessel 81 Leafs. There will be another one this year, question is Nylander 88 or someone else (Matthews maybe, Sandin in the wings). Shirts have come my way, mainly because of bets. As in "play offs - I bet you this team will win in the play off round, if not I'll buy a shirt and wear it for a day". Needless to say I don't place these bets with Bruins players. (I was surprised I didn't get a Kessel Pens shirt after he won the Cup but apparently not.)

So here is the photo of "my shirts from each team - with exception of saying I have a lot more leafs shirts and jersey but thought that was obvious so I focused on the other teams and also having more than one Canucks shirt.... ".

The second from the left top row is my tshirt from when I lived in Vancouver in 2000. I wear it seldom since it's old school and the logo will fall off soon due to age. The Habs tank top had a friend in a tank top from Preds (a little more low cut) but neither has a name on it. And the Red Wings shirt is the one from a challenge when I moved to the USA and my lab mate was annoyed I didn't have an american NHL team since "you live in America now". I picked Red Wings then since it had 13 swedes on the roster. Vegas Knights is not technically a bet since I bought it before the first game had been played when I visited the "armory" in Vegas in August.

And here is the photo of the shirts for the names - it's all about the names  :) Couldn't resist Jagr in Florida for $3 when I knew Panthers were going into the play offs this year. The Subban 76 and Forsberg to the right are both Nashville. The 33 and 22 Sedins are Canucks. And 81 Kessel represents the Leafs plethora of shirts. In hindsight I should've added my Sundin13 since that is my most precious shirt (was too lazy?).

While it will be amazing to get Playoffs again this year (last year was so weird and not only because I was in quarantine), I'm dreaming about game and successes. It's also a great reminder that I get super nervous in the first round (since my lovely team the Leafs have a tendency to not get out of first round.... 2004 was the last time... and let's not talk about actually winning the cup (1967)).

With that all said - SO HAPPY ABOUT SILLY THINGS LIKE SPORTS! Have a great Playoffs everyone.

I'm hoping Leafs will get out of first round against Habs! And I'll wear my Predators, Wild and Florida shirts in the first round too!

(A photo of me in Nashville watching the clinching game wearing the Subban shirt.... :) )