It reminds me about that time when my late grand mother bragged about me to her sister when I got my undergraduate degree. The sister replied "well, does she have a boy friend though? My grand daughter has a very nice boy friend". Another time, it was about the idea that having a PhD degree might be fine and dandy "but does she have any children?" or "is she married"... alas, then the degree might be an ok consolation prize, but be aware that without the markings of a successful marriage and offspring there really is no good enough here.
My friends are in a bit of a pickle, together we can be a "perfect person" with degrees, jobs, spouses, children and even throwing in a few taking care of the older family - but on our own, not so much. One of my friends has been asked for the better part of the last couple of years why they don't have children. She mentioned it to me earlier this year since they are not able to conceive, or so it seems at least. She wondered to me how much information she "has to give these other people" who are poking and asking when they will be a "real" family. She would want nothing less than to have a child but feels very much like a failure since she doesn't seem to be able to. (Her words "everyone seems to be able to get pregnant nowadays. I mean, normal women get pregnant even when they don't want to.") One of the other ones has recently understood that maybe her choice of spouse is not completely supported by her family, thus making the whole thing very infested. (Same thing there "normal women can have a good relationship with a man and their family, but why not I?") And yet another one has "failed" on all accounts since she is single and child less with a negative reporting on a fancy job too. ("I tried to get educated but now there are no jobs around and I am not getting younger so I guess there will be no children".) Well, isn't life grand sometimes? And soon the holidays are coming up, guess why it's all up in the air right now? (Most stressful things tend to get to the surface around December, imho, since all these things tend to focus on families and blessings etc.)
I really didn't set out to write this post in a whining state, nor complaining. I am just a bit sad that there seem to be so much pressure on being perfect and that this thinking is infesting the thoughts and actions of my friends (and mine). It is like all they do is to second guess themselves about "how can I become this image and sensation of being the perfect person". And then I haven't even started complaining about the body issues and weight and health things. Scchhhez.
It is clear to me, a day like today when the sun is shining outside and I am off work enjoying a bit of rest and quiet, that there should be so much more to life than this [almost] constant pressure, striving and worrying. And that it would be absolutely great to be able to just disconnect from the brain and just BE [happy and content].
Alas, I guess my hope is that I can move towards that place where my I don't listen to my brain chatting about achieving all these "goals" but rather just live my life as it is and be happy with all the blessings I do have and focus on them, rather than to point my icky finger at the things that aren't perfect and nag in my mind that I should not allow myself to be happy until I have fixed them. (wow, a sentence of 4 rows..... that's a lot even for me.)
With this I am off to try an enjoy the days and my life and not get stuck in the worrying and thinking too much. Happy weekend everyone!
*as a side note, blogger spell checking does not recognize the word daughter.... very strange.
7 comments:
It's hard not to get wrapped up in that kind of thinking, especially if comments from others really bother you (that's definitely the case for me).
Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
I love this post Chall. I have mulling over a lot of this stuff myself recently, and for me anyway, the conclusion is the same one you have reached. It is frustrating to have to defend this to other people. I don't (realistically) expect that I should achieve perfection in every possible aspect of my life...so why do these other people want to make it their business to point out where we're falling short when we're actually quite happy with what we have?
Alysssa> Thanks. I wish they didn't bother me but they do.... another thing to work on i guess ;)
AA> thank you, very sweetly said. I agree, it is to realise that it is ok to be not perfect but gosh, it sucks to sell it when they all make a note to tell you though.... I guess it's because they aren't happy?
Thanks for writing this. I have been relatively free of such expectations (to have it all) when I am away on the different planet (i.e. far away country) from my family.
However, it is good to read your post in preparation for Christmas visit at home, when the relatives are going to enquire why I do not have kids yet, and when am I planning to ;-)
I will keep strong (and not let it get to me) by remembering what you wrote!
These are just crazy people's crazy expectations, probably so that they can make themselves feel better for what they do not have and the inadequacies they feel in their own lives...
Well, you cannot be perfect in every sense. I would just focus on resolving the flaws rather than think that others want to prick me with my failures. It's just avenues to work on. Maybe, I'm the opposite of all examples cited, but my scientific career was pretty rugged. And as I try to aspire on this pathway as I surely deserve, I got separated from my family as I have a job on west coast, and my hubby - just 75 miles from you. I love my family but we don't have money/stuff. And on top of it I managed to get pregnant (again) from right before periods. My close friends got a stellar career(postdoc Harvard, faculty at UCSF at 32 yo), they work together and Mom helps them but... the child is autistic. So, just work out your flaws. They are not making you a looser. But overcoming them will definitely make you a winner. I felt when got in shape, etc. Tell a girl who cant conceive that she needs a doctor and fertility treatment (probably) instead of thinking she's not normal. Many women cant conceive but reasons are numerous. Sometimes even a healthy woman body just does not like that male sperm...
Olga; i think I understand what you mean. Although I don't think trying to be perfect is the solution... Good luck with trying to get the family together, since I would think that having hubby 75 miles away would be hard with several kids too?!
DrDudechick. good if it helps. I know that holidays is when the questions ramp up.... for me at least. I hope you can go home for the holidays and enjoy it. I do agree that some of it seems to be condensed since I am not in the same country as family... but when I get there.... wow.... ah well, it is life I guess.?!
sorry for the late return :)
I did not mean we have to get perfect, no one can. I was only saying that if some imperfection makes you feel bad, overcoming it will make you a winner and a better person just in process, long before the final success which may not come but it does not matter :)
PS my hubby is 75 miles from YOU (your location, I understood you haven't moved since 3 yrs ago), not me. I'm 2500 miles away :(
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