self image - fat woman/healthy doctor/chubby girl

It's interesting, this self image one has for oneself. I've been trying to come to grip with myself over the years. It's been a little up and down, I'll admit. I flip between feeling ok with myself and my body, and then getting caught up into the "I should loose weight and not be happy with what I look like". And after reading certain articles on line about discrimination against fat people, thinking "I'm fat*? Do people look at me and think I am fat and won't hire me in the future?"

Part of my confusion is that I've always been body conscious (hello 13 year old me and my so called school friends). Part of it is that I, as everyone, is bombarded with photos of "perfect" people and when you compare your regular photos with these... yeah, it's hard. I don't know "where I fit". I've never been sure on "how fat" is bad, grey scale isn't my forte, and I know that I'm not thin. Ergo, I'm fat and people judge. I judge.

So, to keep on track and not get caught up in some woe is me blog post. My main concerns nowadays are to sort out how to think about my body and my body image. I've spent a good portion of the last couple of years not to focus too much on the scale - but to focus on how I feel, try feeling good and getting in shape - not focusing on 'just' losing weight. How the clothes fit**. How much weight I do when I do my biceps curls. How many punches on the heavy bag. Is plank getting easier to do. How long I can run without stopping. How fast I can run those longer distances. Focusing on what my body can do rather than being a size 6 with no flab on the tummy. And at times, looking at myself naked and feeling "well you know, not looking that bad there" and deciding to like my body - even if it isn't perfect.

Some times I can't stop the weird small commentary that is running in the back of my head though. Like the other day when I told my coworkers that I jogged last weekend, 10 km one day and 9 km the other. I felt fine the next day, no stiffness anywhere, it was quite a sensation for me to be back to my pre-injury self. I mean, I'm not a fast runner - I'm a jogger. But I do jog the whole time, slow and steady - at times even a rush. (See what I'm doing here? Making excuses, trying to explain rather than just writing one sentence "I jogged 10 and 9 km over the weekend". full stop.)

Anyhow, the saddest thing? The back ground commentary when my coworkers expressed "wow, really?", since my brain heard "oh, the chubby fat woman can try and jog?". I don't know if they find me big or small or maybe they don't even care? Hello self esteem and self image all rolled into a nice little pathetic blanket.

I know, it's my issue and I should really get over it. It's like sending some risque photos to your beau and then he dumps you. You weren't pretty enough in the pics? I usually push those comments away since I know it's my sad little corner of my brain. It's hard though, since a lot of attention is going to the "wow, you lost weight you are so good. (really means - keep the self control). And I think about that time a few years back when I was at a fairly low point (ha, both weight and mood wise), I lost weight and people kept giving me compliments that I was so healthy&good looking. Truth, I was thinner than today, I agree with that. I wasn't healthy though -  my food intake wasn't really that good, but it was low calorie. I drank a lot of caffeine. I slept very little. I had high anxiety. My blood pressure wasn't that good either (140+) But damn, I was smaller and people kept telling me that I was so good, looked good etc.

Today I'm a 12-14, it depends on the clothes and the brand. I can't really fit into my size 10 gap jeans any longer, but I do fit in the 12 size. And I can run more. So maybe I'm healthier now? Maybe I can feel half ok about my body? Maybe it's ok to not feel disgusted when looking at oneself? My blood pressure is 125/74 with a resting pulse of 53. I try to improve my running with lower heart rate and I see improvement every week. 

Why am I bringing this up to a long rant now? Because I need some help to think about this again since I recently got a fitbit, started logging my steps, stairs, active minutes and weight and all of the other fun metrics I can do. And I've lost some weight and recognize my endorphin system stating "you go girl, you can do this - loose the weight and become the size 6, you can do it! be normal and sexy". There is nothing to me as a competition. Maybe I should push for that illusive sexy woman who doesn't have the large arms but the skinny ones you see everywhere? Maybe I will feel happy then, and proud of my body?

Then I have to be honest with myself and recognize that I am quite happy (in weak moments even proud) of my arms when I pummel the heavy bag at the gym - just never liking them in photos.... And the weights I can lift. The miles I can jog and hike. The endurance I've built. There are times when I dress up in dresses or that nice pair of nudie jeans that really accentuate my butt (I've heard that it's quite ok) and look at myself in the mirror and think "you go, not looking that bad - looking good". Those small fleeting times - then I wonder if I'm completely delusional.

Oh woe is me. a whole blog post about body issues and self doubt. way to go on the introspecitve ranting as of old school. Thanks for reading. I need to go and walk those stairs at work and get my daily badge...

*the obvious is "what is fat?". According to BMI I'm sure the obese (BMI over 30) is called fat. I guess  "over weight" is fat too (BMI 25-30). Then I start thinking that anything over size 6/8 is fat. Or anything with waist measurement over 80cm is fat and unhealthy (according to some studies it's the magic number). It's clear when someone is thin, but fat? Everyone who isn't thin? Is this part of the problem? It's clear when you have a small person, but when does the scale tip?

**I can still fit into that nice skirt I wore when I was 23. You know what the small commentary part of the brain says? "so, I've always been fat, really nothing to be proud of". Gotta love it ^^ The other part of me knows that I gained weight while writing my thesis and therefore I've been up the mountain and down again so I can feel a little happy.

disparity on views of experiments, details and interpretations of data

Since I started in science I've been trying to not have prejudice against certain types of people I meet and collaborate with. It's been working so and so. I have to admit that I have, quite often, said to myself "open mind sweetie, have an open mind maybe they do understand the idea with science and the need of details".

To make this a sweet and short post without pointing fingers, I have collected shorter key issues to explain some of my frustrations with specific instances that come up more often than I would like it to. Of course, I'm simplifying the questions and the answers but most of it is, imho, fairly general.

Do I draw conclusions from an experiment with an n=1?

If you do an ELISA, drug screening or similar in vitro screen with cells - you need at least one bioreplicate to have any idea that the data is really real. (Exception - if you have a validated GMP assay where all the parameters are locked down and specific to the conditions and cells/material you are testing. This type of validation isn't really what I see in research on an every day basis.) I personally look "is the assay valid?" (did the positive/negative control work, are the CV% working etc). Then I would wait for the bioreplicate to state "this is the result" to a larger audience and make my decisions of future research on it. And, it would be recommended to have a larger n within each run, like having triplicate wells/plates per run. In the end you have two (or more) data points from triplicates in bioreplicates, which gives you better stats and more importantly, will show you more the variability within the assays.

How do you define "one experiment - one data collection"?

If you find yourself using a complex machine (with exchangeable parts that differ every so slightly between themselves) - you shouldn't consider it the 'same experiment' if you exchange one of these parts in the middle of the run of the machine. Say for example, changing pipettes in the middle of an ELISA run or change the column in an HPLC run, or switch a pin tool in the middle of a run. For analysis reasons and data variation, you should minimize the various parameters between the experiments and keep them consistent through out the run.

How much details in written protocols involving computer programs used for collecting data and interpreting said data do you need?

Short answer: everything needed in order to replicate the experiment exactly.

Long answer: it sucks, I know. You have to write down the settings on the plate reader (double reads, single reads, wave length, columns first, row first), gating of the cells for the flow analysis, number of dips with the pin tool, number of dilutions ("in and out of the pipette") etc. A lot of this can be solved from doing the same procedure every time. A number of people I know have a generic system that they keep with every time, "I always aspirate/disperse with my pipettes 8 times when I do the ELISA". And when it comes to plate reading, the recommended course of action is to save a protocol with the settings and use the same protocol every time for the assay read. However, to not document what the settings is... let's say not recommended.

Last pièce de frustration, if you are embarking into a - for you - unknown territory and work with someone whose area of expertise is said territory..... I would highly recommend you ask questions and listen to the answers to learn new things. One of the best traits in a scientist is humility and being humble about all these details that we don't understand nor know. And that it takes team work to make progress in complex questions. Part of that team work? Listening to other people who are experts in their subfield.

There. I'm done on my soap box now. Off I go to another day in the life of a scientist :)

playing the extrovert

Part of my job, the part that I had the most difficulties with when I first started this gig, is playing the extrovert. Stepping out of the introvert zone and smile, connect with people and mirror them. Give them energy and be supportive. Take their hand and guide them through the start of a project. Give them reassurance that "oh yes, this will work fine". Sort out issues they have with each other and the team(s).  And all this time, not be upset with them but smooth things out, sort it out and solve it.

Sometimes I sit in meetings trying to explain what Person A said and what they thought was the goal with the project to Person B (did I mention it's science and we don't really do "real" defined project plans and scope - it¨s all evolving and new). Never mind that I sometimes don't know what Person A really thought. Half the time I'm not sure they knew either... but the communication is all it's about. And  it is easier to point out what you don't want than what you want sometimes.

There are times though, when my introvert self is screaming (opposite of the inner goddess dancing a salsa*) and I just don't know how to make it. Those times are for COFFEE. It turns me into quite the extrovert, talkytalky and connecting. Smiling and not over thinking and analysing every single turn in the conversation. (It's worth noting though, too much coffee turns me anxious, my pulse races and I could give any two-year-old a go at the Belmont.)

Drawback? That I feel completely wiped out afterwards. At times it's like someone has seen my soul and I've opened myself up way too much. (For you extroverts out there, it's not like I've said anything that's extreme - I might just have admitted something that I like. Or a happy thought. Or made a plan without thinking through every single little nook and cranny.)

It does help with the energy in the room though. And connecting with the extroverts who feed on people interaction, smiles and encouragement. Especially like the other day when I found myself in  a meeting with four "PR consultants" talking about "branding architecture", "overall market goal" and "communication strategy". Without coffee, I don't think I would've made it even halfway. And afterwards, the best thing ever to cool off the adrenaline and get back to an even keel - spinning. Nothing like endorphins, sweat and very tired muscles to give a good night's sleep and turning off the brain.

That said, it's time for a cup of caffine - soon there is another meeting that needs the "play pretend extrovert" to pull out all those great ideas and team spirit.




*if you know this reference, I'm sorry you read that badly written book. Let's hope you didn't read all three, since the last one was indeed the worst. Especially the conclusion. All I wanted to say fromthe start was "run away".

vacation and work hours

It's funny what work hours and vacation mean to different people. And this is not to mention across the world.

Back in my home country the general newspapers are usually publish a lot of articles before "industrial vacation" (falls in July) that state "in order to get a real vacation take at least 3 continuous weeks together". This is based on the presumption that "you need one week to wind down and stop thinking about work, one week to have vacation, and one week to start winding up for work". I always thought it extra interesting when I moved across the Atlantic to the USA where I ended up in a place where regular workers usually are happy if they can take one (or two) week of continuous vacation.

I was lucky when I was a post doc, my PI understood my need to take at least two week continuous vacation to go back to home country to fix some family things. Of course it helped that I did experiments until the day before I left on the plane, and had my mice delivered the week before I returned so they were ready for me to take right back up day after I returned.

It's coming back to me with my present job. I had a stint in FDA regulated industry where a lot of things had to be done in pairs (co-signed working reports), which means that when your co-worker goes home, you stop working too. Of course, there were a few other things that I did so I could work a little after hours and still get work done and get home late. No VPN though. At the time, we didn't use VPN for our secure working files. There were times when I thought it was annoying, since I had to be on-site to work with certain things. However, I would say that it helped with trying to keep reasonable work hours - especially when going on vacation.

So, back to my present job. I now have VPN and a work computer at home. I can therefore work all the time, if I want to (also if I have to). There are some really great perks with this, I can only imagine if I had "must do times and need to leave" on a regular basis - this makes it great. Same thing if you have a snow day (when the roads aren't safe to drive into work). The back side though, (apart from always being able to do some work) is that you can bring the computer with you on vacation and do some work. On VPN and get access to all those documents stored in the safe haven of work.

I've been pretty good so far on not taking my work computer with me when I go on vacation. I usually only bring my own home computer. I'm a little bit of a "compliance officer" (and a tad bit paranoid) I don't store private stuff on my work computer, nor do I do private surfing on that one (no private photos to show when you go on vacay if you bring the work computer). This vacation though, I figured I should take my work computer with me. We have new people who started just before I left and I knew that there were going to be a lot of changes to what they did and I would need to help. However, in a streak of luck (?) it turned out that the places I stayed didn't have wifi. I was left to my iPhone and the data plan... (and also not having access to all of the files nor the intranet of work).

The great thing with this? That the small emergencies that did arise, I could fix without actually sending the specific files (just sending emails on where the files were and what to do). Furthermore, I had days where I didn't have cell phone coverage and therefore my peeps were on their own. Best thing with this? My boss, before I left, did tell me to get off line and let myself have a real vacation. I actually did that! My boss have said this since my first vacation and for most of my vacations so far I've taken the liberty of not bringing the VPN computer but I have (so far) still checked my email at least every four days (ok, a lot of times every day). I find it more stressful not to check IF there is something that is crucial, than to check. Still though, I find this an obvious adjustment to expectations and culture of my current situation.

Why I'm writing this now? Because I realised one HUGE thing coming back from vacation. The first week back was soooooooo hard to get adjusted to all the work stuff. Clearly, I've changed my expectations of "real" vacation from three weeks (or five as my friends back home take) to less than two weeks (and without a computer). All the needs and wants from my fellow co-workers were hard and I found myself more than once thinking "oh boy, that time off was really nice. I want more".

I thought, when I started this post, that I would venture into the idea of when the work day starts and when it ends - but I realise that I don't really have time. I need to get back to work. 11pm at night.... on a vpn from home.... ah well, another post for that. But I'm alone in this odd work hour schedule.... and working too much. At times I really understand when one of my family shifted from "white collar/writing work" to "driving public transportation" since that left them very clear on when work hours were, and couldn't bring them back home.

Feedback on resume - tough love

It's always easier to look at someone else's resume or CV and critique than your own. Always. I help a lot of people with the job applications, scanning their resumes and CVs, adding a few key words, giving suggestions on how to best "present yourself in line with the ad" and so forth.

And I am aware that my resume isn't directly on par with what it should be. Why? Mainly because I'm in the (for me) new position where my technical skills in the lab and some other details aren't as important as "overall roundness and experience in management and strategic planning working with upper management and board work".

And my resume has lagged behind. Add on top of that, my detail orientation and want for accuracy. I'm silly proud of some of my skills, not to mention wanting to show what a renaissance* person I am (dabble in writing, volunteer work, selected for this and that, got a grant here) all the time I do know though that "Those things" need to be cut, streamlined and focused for one specific job advert and the process.

Kill your darlings indeed.

I got the opportunity to get my resume and cover letter abilities evaluated a bit back. "Look for your dream job and write cover letter and resume for it- then get feedback and concrete suggestions tailored for you".

Said and done. In the process I found a job ad that was interesting, not only "a sense of humor" as the last bullet point in the ad. I mean, who wouldn't want to work in a place like that?

Anyhow, I got a good slap in the face when it came to the feedback part of the exercise. I've never been great with listening to praise, and I didn't have to worry about it too much. My resume needed some work to be "top notch". Funny enough, a lot of it stemmed from issues I am very aware of in my personality:
1) my sense of wanting "all the details"
2) I'm old and haven't kept up with how the cool people do it nowadays
(3) I've reached the age where it's more than 15 years since I entered the work force, therefore not every job I've had is relevant, nor should go on the resume* )
4) losing focus on the point - also known as "cut some details" and present a whole image/brand...

In short, I've spent my last week updating it and going through a few steps that I thought were really good advice and figured I could write them down and share.

• Don't lose focus. The Goal of a Resume is to get an Interview (All the details are for the interview itself). Some details though, are relevant and extremely important (see next bullet point)

• Bullets points under each job with your achievements - use action words (implemented, wrote, published, planned and executed, communicated, presented, directed, organized .... ) Make these things specific and if possible bring metrics to the table "coordinated three project teams with 10 scientists in each, resulting in two clinical trials". If you had a grant "awarded Grant X for €20000 for 2 years" etc... 

• A suggestion on how to reminiscence and get a kick start on what you have done is to look at your self evaluations. If you get evaluated each year like where I work - you write a self eval (where you end up wanting to highlight all the stuff you've done that your manager may or may not remember and realize) before your supervisor writes the final eval and sends it to HR. Pull these self evals and see what you wrote. Also, check the final evals for what your manager wrote about you - usually nice strengths and good action words to boost you to write about yourself.

• Make a summary on top with who you are and where you fit in - three-four rows with succinct keywords from the adverts highlighting your marvellous personality and experience (this is one of those things that have come and gone for me, making me feel dated. For a while it was "one liner", then it was "nothing", then "a story"....) Alternatively, this can be bullet point list with years of experience highlighting skills&qualifications that they look for in the ad. Again, GOAL is to make you stand out for the 6 seconds the HR person looks at your resume. And for the seconds the computer scans through the resume to pick up the key words and moving your resume forward in the system.

• IF you have publications and presentations that you would like to add to the resume (since this is generally 2 pages tops), you can add a "supplement list" with the publications. However, if you are very productive and have published more than 20 articles, I'd recommend you add that in the summary section about you rather than adding long supplement with ALL the pubs and presentations. Same thing with presentations (pick the mot prestigious ones and add to the specific job position) or add a section "Honors, awards". (again, how important are those details for getting you the interview?)

• If you have volunteer work that gives you qualifications that are relevant for your job search (say that you haven't gotten too much team skills working as a post-doc in a lab but you have worked with community outreach/teaching sports to children and worked with parents) you could rename your "work experience" to "relevant experience" and add non-paying work into there.
• I struggle a little with this since I like the "other experiences relevant to being you".... However, back to the "I like to show that I'm a well-rounded person who can interact with others, likes reading books and work out on a regular basis (half-marathon runs) and certain races are always excellent to highlight (based on my country of origin where this is regarded as 'fit character') - HOWEVER, back to the first point: Focus on the goal - getting an interview. And "what I like to show", that might not be what is best for the goal. Tough. It's just to deal with it and decide what you think is best for the goal. (I cut all those things apart for my "origin country resume" where I have a short paragraph on the bottom second page with "Övrigt" ("Diverse"). I haven't been able to cut that just yet. Work in progress.)

• No need to keep that (physical) address on top (in header or bottom where ever you keep the contact info) - UNLESS it helps you to prove that you are already "in town". For everyone else, email address and phone number is plenty enough. When was the last time you got a REAL letter sent to your house with "we would like to interview you on the phone"? Yep, back to the "focus on the purpose of the resume - to get an interview".

• "From left to right", keep the most important pieces to the left (name of job position) and the less important (dates you worked) to the right. This make is easier to focus on the "easy to scan and get a quick look on who you are". (obviously this is for applications in the languages where one reads from left-right.)

What I got reminded about most? That it is a darn long process to fix your resume for that specific job - and a little heart breaking to know that the "me writing:HR reading" ratio is "hours:seconds". Then again, it's the world we live in and it's just to suck up and accept it. One way of making the process easier is to keep a Master Life File (I have a master CV for that exact reason, where everything I've done gets put in) and keep it updated with bullet points and details that you can modify for each time you need to make a resume for a job application.

Comments? Feedback? Was this at all helpful or just an annoying "generalization" post?

*I'm being slightly sarcastic here - facing my own ego on what I'm proud of since this may or may not be relevant at all for a future job search.

**no need to add every job you've had - it also opens up for age discrimination. Apparently there is no need to add year to your terminal degrees (this dates you), nor add your thesis title. Again, this is more IF it's relevant and makes it better for you to stand out for the job advert but for a lot of things I look for at least, A Degree is relevant - not my beautiful protein thesis title....