Part of my confusion is that I've always been body conscious (hello 13 year old me and my so called school friends). Part of it is that I, as everyone, is bombarded with photos of "perfect" people and when you compare your regular photos with these... yeah, it's hard. I don't know "where I fit". I've never been sure on "how fat" is bad, grey scale isn't my forte, and I know that I'm not thin. Ergo, I'm fat and people judge. I judge.
So, to keep on track and not get caught up in some woe is me blog post. My main concerns nowadays are to sort out how to think about my body and my body image. I've spent a good portion of the last couple of years not to focus too much on the scale - but to focus on how I feel, try feeling good and getting in shape - not focusing on 'just' losing weight. How the clothes fit**. How much weight I do when I do my biceps curls. How many punches on the heavy bag. Is plank getting easier to do. How long I can run without stopping. How fast I can run those longer distances. Focusing on what my body can do rather than being a size 6 with no flab on the tummy. And at times, looking at myself naked and feeling "well you know, not looking that bad there" and deciding to like my body - even if it isn't perfect.
Some times I can't stop the weird small commentary that is running in the back of my head though. Like the other day when I told my coworkers that I jogged last weekend, 10 km one day and 9 km the other. I felt fine the next day, no stiffness anywhere, it was quite a sensation for me to be back to my pre-injury self. I mean, I'm not a fast runner - I'm a jogger. But I do jog the whole time, slow and steady - at times even a rush. (See what I'm doing here? Making excuses, trying to explain rather than just writing one sentence "I jogged 10 and 9 km over the weekend". full stop.)
Anyhow, the saddest thing? The back ground commentary when my coworkers expressed "wow, really?", since my brain heard "oh, the chubby fat woman can try and jog?". I don't know if they find me big or small or maybe they don't even care? Hello self esteem and self image all rolled into a nice little pathetic blanket.
I know, it's my issue and I should really get over it. It's like sending some risque photos to your beau and then he dumps you. You weren't pretty enough in the pics? I usually push those comments away since I know it's my sad little corner of my brain. It's hard though, since a lot of attention is going to the "wow, you lost weight you are so good. (really means - keep the self control). And I think about that time a few years back when I was at a fairly low point (ha, both weight and mood wise), I lost weight and people kept giving me compliments that I was so healthy&good looking. Truth, I was thinner than today, I agree with that. I wasn't healthy though - my food intake wasn't really that good, but it was low calorie. I drank a lot of caffeine. I slept very little. I had high anxiety. My blood pressure wasn't that good either (140+) But damn, I was smaller and people kept telling me that I was so good, looked good etc.
Today I'm a 12-14, it depends on the clothes and the brand. I can't really fit into my size 10 gap jeans any longer, but I do fit in the 12 size. And I can run more. So maybe I'm healthier now? Maybe I can feel half ok about my body? Maybe it's ok to not feel disgusted when looking at oneself? My blood pressure is 125/74 with a resting pulse of 53. I try to improve my running with lower heart rate and I see improvement every week.
Why am I bringing this up to a long rant now? Because I need some help to think about this again since I recently got a fitbit, started logging my steps, stairs, active minutes and weight and all of the other fun metrics I can do. And I've lost some weight and recognize my endorphin system stating "you go girl, you can do this - loose the weight and become the size 6, you can do it! be normal and sexy". There is nothing to me as a competition. Maybe I should push for that illusive sexy woman who doesn't have the large arms but the skinny ones you see everywhere? Maybe I will feel happy then, and proud of my body?
Then I have to be honest with myself and recognize that I am quite happy (in weak moments even proud) of my arms when I pummel the heavy bag at the gym - just never liking them in photos.... And the weights I can lift. The miles I can jog and hike. The endurance I've built. There are times when I dress up in dresses or that nice pair of nudie jeans that really accentuate my butt (I've heard that it's quite ok) and look at myself in the mirror and think "you go, not looking that bad - looking good". Those small fleeting times - then I wonder if I'm completely delusional.
Oh woe is me. a whole blog post about body issues and self doubt. way to go on the introspecitve ranting as of old school. Thanks for reading. I need to go and walk those stairs at work and get my daily badge...
*the obvious is "what is fat?". According to BMI I'm sure the obese (BMI over 30) is called fat. I guess "over weight" is fat too (BMI 25-30). Then I start thinking that anything over size 6/8 is fat. Or anything with waist measurement over 80cm is fat and unhealthy (according to some studies it's the magic number). It's clear when someone is thin, but fat? Everyone who isn't thin? Is this part of the problem? It's clear when you have a small person, but when does the scale tip?
**I can still fit into that nice skirt I wore when I was 23. You know what the small commentary part of the brain says? "so, I've always been fat, really nothing to be proud of". Gotta love it ^^ The other part of me knows that I gained weight while writing my thesis and therefore I've been up the mountain and down again so I can feel a little happy.
2 comments:
Hi Chall,
this is a comment to show I am still reading your blog. I tried to comment some times earlier, but it got stuck, and I gave up. Hope it works this time (problem is on my side with bad internet!)
And of course I just want to say: it's the health that counts, not the number on the scale ... But that is easy to say for anyone.
But I was thinking that also as "onlookers" we are encouraged by the media to say "you look good" when we notice people have lost weight. We are trained to look at the shape/mass and think "less is better". Even if the face looks tired and worn-out and unhealthy ...
Also, for people who run/jog regularly, 10 km may not sound very impressive (like when I needed new shoes for "long distance running" and I found 10 km long and the shoe- salesman thought 40+ was long), but non-runners, or even non-walkers, are easily impressed by anything more than a kilometer. I think many people who drive a lot lose the feeling for imagining how much 1, 2, 5 10 kilometers are to walk. So they will be genuinly impressed ;)
Nina! Thanks for commenting. Would be fun knowing what you do nowadays. Hope all is well.
You are quite correct in the conditioning we all get to applaud the "you look good did you lose weight". It's hard. I currently have a coworker who lost a lot in a short period of time, and ppl say "wow she looks great". I see her extra fuzzy baby hair in her face and the sharp angles of hip bones and can't really shake a little worry, but to each their own.
As for the running, thanks for the wncouragent that they probably didn't mean it meanly. Trying to catch new perspective every day!
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