(note: it's starting out pretty bleak but turning into more of a good feeling thing in the end, promise.)
It's this time of year when you summarize your year and then look ahead and make promises and thoughts and wishes for the future. Wait, that's for "after Christmas". Right now it's about frantically running around and buying gifts for family and friends. Getting on trains/cars/planes and travelling to said families and exchanging the gifts and hugs and happy times. Back in home country it's snowing, people are getting stuck in traffic and others are losing power. Here in new country people are dressing up as if it is super-winter-cold but it's really like a regular spring day in Europe.
And I miss it so terribly this year. The snow, the preparations for the three days holiday (off 24, 25 & 26th of December), my old friends, my family, the special Christmas cookies - you name it, all the silly things that aren't here.
I don't know if it is because I am older or that I have stressed pretty much all through December and am yet to realise that Christmas is two days away (where I come from the 24th is the big day)? Or that this year I am not celebrating with my family and I miss them a lot but there is really nothing I can do about it now. (And I will see them in a few weeks actually so....) Or the thoughts that I wonder, yet again, if I can really continue to live this far away from all that, "for the rest of my life"? (Not that I have to make that decision right today either. Silly.)
Of course, I know somewhere in my angsty brain and aching heart that it wasn't all that wonderful when I was living back home. Nor that my friends who live close to their families are having all that 100% loving time either. Nor that they are not stressing around like chickens without heads, looking for "the perfect gifts" and feeling pressure of having it all together. It's not perfect world, it is just in my mind right now when I'm feeling a little stressed about not having sent pressies nor holiday cards in time for the holidays.
I got surprised about all these feelings this morning when I woke up since I've been pretty good at staving them off this year (not thinking about it might be more the proper term). Then I spoke to one of my best friends and she is having a hard time about going home to her family for the holidays. She has to, of course being the dutiful daughter, but when we talked I realised that it sort of doesn't matter if you are in the same country or on the other side of the Atlantic. Maybe it doesn't matter even if you're in the same city (as your family). The excellent guilt and "why don't you call/visit more often" is apparently always there. I guess it is my cultural heritage of "love through guilt"? And the "unspoken yet more often nowadays spoken expectations that you haven't fulfilled" .... to which I am aware that you should just accept it's not your responsibility. You live your life, they live theirs and it is neither fair nor reasonable to expect your children/family to fulfill you.
But right now it doesn't feel that way.
I have to admit, I feel better after putting these thoughts down. Maybe I will stop feeling like an utter failure after I cook some of the traditional Christmas food and clean the house. After all, "idle hands make devil play" or as I have come to view it "too much time to ponder and think makes loopy sad thoughts"
Time to make some Jansson's delight, beet salad and meatballs. God Jul!
---
Update:
It's amazing what some cooking can do for the atmosphere and feelings. Two types of herring done, beet salad, meat balls are cooking and I'm sipping some "glögg" (mulled wine) and looking forward to a few gingersnaps with blue cheese for after dinner. Phone conversation with family across the sea and happy laughs later, maybe this can all be fixable?! Happy Yuletide!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I've slept with more people than K...
When you find yourself saying things like "I've slept with more people than Kim Kardashian" at work you might realise that it's going to take longer to explain than you previously planned. I.e. it might have been a little too complex a thought to use an analogy with to start with.
Then again, that's apparently how I am every once in a while - defending the right to be a slut and still be a good scientist. Or, since this was my main point of the saying, that speculating into someone's sex life to discredit them and their personality might not be anything I'm interested in doing... and especially not when it's a woman and the US election was coming up and it was all in all too many assumptions linked together without too much evidence. In short, I was simply too tired to hear about women being slutty and that it would indicate that they (we?) are "bad people" unless you are chaste and virtuous.
And sometimes the fastest way to get some people's attention are quick sound bites. Hence the "I've slept with more than her"; where 'her' = "the (slutty) woman with the sex video" and additionally the comment "she wasn't just with one football player, she slept with the whole team" (since we all know that if you do one thing you probably do the other too.... no morals at all, duh.) . I got tired and instead of trying to reason "just because you release a sex video with your footballer boy friend doesn't mean you sleep with his team mates" and the follow up "even if she would've slept with more than one boy friend does that make her a bad person, so how many are you allowed to sleep with before you're a bad woman?" I went straight for the "well, maybe I've slept with that many men. Would that make me a bad person/co-worker/scientist too?".
Not the most clever thing I've done. Nor the worst I guess. But I need to remember yet again to be more "appropriate". Since I was out of line... hm.
I was mainly fed up with the whole "women shouldn't have sex".... and "how many are the acceptable number of partners" (when you're a 35 something year old nevertheless). I blame the election and the climate leading up to it where it was clear to everyone who read the news that women were doing a whole lot of immoral behaviour and that it was in everyone's interest to help stop this. Or at least tell you that if you qauck like a slut, you are a slut and sluts are bad people.
I digress, as usual. I'll end the story by saying that I have no idea if I've had sex with more people than KK. Nor do I really want to know. I really only know that I haven't made a sex tape (the thought of me rolling around naked on video is scaring me more than I can say) but I might have kissed a few frogs along the way of trying to find that prince the fairy tales talked about when I was growing up ;)
Then again, that's apparently how I am every once in a while - defending the right to be a slut and still be a good scientist. Or, since this was my main point of the saying, that speculating into someone's sex life to discredit them and their personality might not be anything I'm interested in doing... and especially not when it's a woman and the US election was coming up and it was all in all too many assumptions linked together without too much evidence. In short, I was simply too tired to hear about women being slutty and that it would indicate that they (we?) are "bad people" unless you are chaste and virtuous.
And sometimes the fastest way to get some people's attention are quick sound bites. Hence the "I've slept with more than her"; where 'her' = "the (slutty) woman with the sex video" and additionally the comment "she wasn't just with one football player, she slept with the whole team" (since we all know that if you do one thing you probably do the other too.... no morals at all, duh.) . I got tired and instead of trying to reason "just because you release a sex video with your footballer boy friend doesn't mean you sleep with his team mates" and the follow up "even if she would've slept with more than one boy friend does that make her a bad person, so how many are you allowed to sleep with before you're a bad woman?" I went straight for the "well, maybe I've slept with that many men. Would that make me a bad person/co-worker/scientist too?".
Not the most clever thing I've done. Nor the worst I guess. But I need to remember yet again to be more "appropriate". Since I was out of line... hm.
I was mainly fed up with the whole "women shouldn't have sex".... and "how many are the acceptable number of partners" (when you're a 35 something year old nevertheless). I blame the election and the climate leading up to it where it was clear to everyone who read the news that women were doing a whole lot of immoral behaviour and that it was in everyone's interest to help stop this. Or at least tell you that if you qauck like a slut, you are a slut and sluts are bad people.
I digress, as usual. I'll end the story by saying that I have no idea if I've had sex with more people than KK. Nor do I really want to know. I really only know that I haven't made a sex tape (the thought of me rolling around naked on video is scaring me more than I can say) but I might have kissed a few frogs along the way of trying to find that prince the fairy tales talked about when I was growing up ;)
Monday, November 05, 2012
changing your (long academic) CV into a snazzy resume (intended for Industry)
I had to look over my Resume yet again lately (OK, rewrite a whole new one is more like it) and realised (yet again) that it is SO hard for me to cut out all these smaller pieces of information in order to fit the resume on one (or maximum of two) pages. I mean, I have issues with Twitter using only 140 character for crying out loud ;) Taking my several pages with everything I've ever done and earned and made into .... 1 page? What is relevant? What is not? (Note to self, think of it as "someone else's life" - much easier. And Kill your Darlings!)
Instead of banging my head against the wall too much (I'm trying this for a different approach) I wonder if my dear readers have something to suggest in terms of "outline" and what on earth to call those smaller subparts where things end up after "education" and "work".
See, I have seen a lot of resumes and I should know "what works" but it's just hard to sift through my own skills and see "what can I leave out since it is really not relevant for this specific thing you're writing the reusme for". Right now, I'll take any suggestions or helpful hints. Starting to go slightly loopy here on the "how to shorten my life into short paragraphs without seeling myself too short".
Thanks y'all :)
*trying too much = trying to stand out as a stand-outish person.... you know, the one they recognize from the stack. In the end though, I fear that none of this really makes a difference since it's mostly about "who you know anyway" ... but I try here... I try ^^
Instead of banging my head against the wall too much (I'm trying this for a different approach) I wonder if my dear readers have something to suggest in terms of "outline" and what on earth to call those smaller subparts where things end up after "education" and "work".
- Languages (call it languages? is this something I'm just using to show off or would people really care about it? when the job specifics doesn't call for "speaking German or Japanese" is it relevant/good to add anything about languages really?)
- Extra work (non-for-pay) - Volunteer work? (is it relevant to add? Am I trying too much* here again?)
- Credits/Certifications/Accreditations for works shops within specific soceities (relevance, yet again. do people want this as it shows of "furthering your education when getting out of uni but into work life?")
See, I have seen a lot of resumes and I should know "what works" but it's just hard to sift through my own skills and see "what can I leave out since it is really not relevant for this specific thing you're writing the reusme for". Right now, I'll take any suggestions or helpful hints. Starting to go slightly loopy here on the "how to shorten my life into short paragraphs without seeling myself too short".
Thanks y'all :)
*trying too much = trying to stand out as a stand-outish person.... you know, the one they recognize from the stack. In the end though, I fear that none of this really makes a difference since it's mostly about "who you know anyway" ... but I try here... I try ^^
Saturday, October 27, 2012
over-thinker, over-analysing, over-critical
I read Alyssa's post about body image and working out a few weeks back and thought about a post I wrote a couple of months back but never posted... partly because I thought it was TMI, partly because it was a little too whiny. Then I've realised that maybe it's becuase I'm an overthinker, a perfectionist and not good at grey. It's either black or white. You're either great looking, thin and wonderful; or you're not at all. nothing like "I'm ok and it's good".
I had thought about writing "You want a negative interpretation of that?" since that is indeed one of my best abilities when it comes to myself. Not when I hear comments given to others or view data from others - although, it is fairly common and I'm known for my analytical and problem finding abilities [most often at work they're considered a great assest though] - but when things are directed towards myself (comments, camera ... to name a few).
It has been part of me for a very long time, and trust me when I say that if I could boot one thing, it would be the "negative-interpretaion-perfectionist" in the back of my head that spends a little too much time chatting and mentioning things that really doesn't need space. For a while now, I've been good at tuning it out for the most part. I hear it once, but banish it and move on. No dwelling, and if someone was really upset they would tell you, right? Not wanting to put too much time on something that most likely is non-true. Of course, I fail miserable other times.
Staring a photos from the beach (really? Who'd though that was ever a good idea, good self-image or not?), focusing solely on "that fat arm", "my chin really looks like a horrible triplechin", "there is NO waist there at all", culminating in "geez, how can I even show up outside without people lining up and laughing at me and telling me to join the circus". Not understanding when my family - as parents would do - tell me that I look lovely and it was such great photos and they're happy to print them and put them up at home (oh the horror!).
Yeah.... slightly problematic at times. Then of course, there are those lovely times when I look into the mirror and say to myself "wow, that's some hot awesomeness right there" and smirk at myself. Or, like last week at the gym, when a man oogled my weight machine and said "you're really strong, how much is that weight really?. I smiled and thought "yey" although my comment to him was - of course- was "Thanks but if i'm this big i might as well pack some muscle".Making myself a disservice if anything.)
One recurring annoyment of people close to me is that I wonder "how do I compare to her size" and mean people we see. They don't understand. I really have NO conception on how big I am, how I look etc. Half of the times I think I look pretty ok, even cute at times. Then I see the photos and my mind reels since there is NO way the woman in the photos would be considered even close to cute. Rather bad words come up...
Anyway, I am aware of the problem. I am working on it. And if nothing else, you know how much time and effort I wold save by not thinking all these thoughts every day? Geez, I could probably read another book or solve some real problems ^^
I had thought about writing "You want a negative interpretation of that?" since that is indeed one of my best abilities when it comes to myself. Not when I hear comments given to others or view data from others - although, it is fairly common and I'm known for my analytical and problem finding abilities [most often at work they're considered a great assest though] - but when things are directed towards myself (comments, camera ... to name a few).
It has been part of me for a very long time, and trust me when I say that if I could boot one thing, it would be the "negative-interpretaion-perfectionist" in the back of my head that spends a little too much time chatting and mentioning things that really doesn't need space. For a while now, I've been good at tuning it out for the most part. I hear it once, but banish it and move on. No dwelling, and if someone was really upset they would tell you, right? Not wanting to put too much time on something that most likely is non-true. Of course, I fail miserable other times.
Staring a photos from the beach (really? Who'd though that was ever a good idea, good self-image or not?), focusing solely on "that fat arm", "my chin really looks like a horrible triplechin", "there is NO waist there at all", culminating in "geez, how can I even show up outside without people lining up and laughing at me and telling me to join the circus". Not understanding when my family - as parents would do - tell me that I look lovely and it was such great photos and they're happy to print them and put them up at home (oh the horror!).
Yeah.... slightly problematic at times. Then of course, there are those lovely times when I look into the mirror and say to myself "wow, that's some hot awesomeness right there" and smirk at myself. Or, like last week at the gym, when a man oogled my weight machine and said "you're really strong, how much is that weight really?. I smiled and thought "yey" although my comment to him was - of course- was "Thanks but if i'm this big i might as well pack some muscle".Making myself a disservice if anything.)
One recurring annoyment of people close to me is that I wonder "how do I compare to her size" and mean people we see. They don't understand. I really have NO conception on how big I am, how I look etc. Half of the times I think I look pretty ok, even cute at times. Then I see the photos and my mind reels since there is NO way the woman in the photos would be considered even close to cute. Rather bad words come up...
Anyway, I am aware of the problem. I am working on it. And if nothing else, you know how much time and effort I wold save by not thinking all these thoughts every day? Geez, I could probably read another book or solve some real problems ^^
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
bingo for Presidental debate (USA)
I did my own Bingo brick for the debate tomorrow. I'm not sure I'll watch it since
a) I'm not allowed to vote
b) I will get angry at the TV
c)I will most likely get sad about the state of affairs (can't they talk about REAL things)
although, I do care about politics and I would like to see what they say and do....
I'll see what obvious words I missed - unless anyone out there in the blogosphere can tell me that right now of course?!
a) I'm not allowed to vote
b) I will get angry at the TV
c)I will most likely get sad about the state of affairs (can't they talk about REAL things)
although, I do care about politics and I would like to see what they say and do....
I'll see what obvious words I missed - unless anyone out there in the blogosphere can tell me that right now of course?!
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