Saturday, June 11, 2016

temper - demeanor - self control - board games - introvert

One of the things that appealed to me the most while learning the game system of VtM was the idea of "demeanor" and "nature". The very much in the game setting controlled idea that you have a choice of showing your feelings and actions in a demeanor, compared to when you can't control it and have your nature. (It's not really like this, and I had a longer post written all about the intricacies of the gaming system but I figured it wouldn't be interesting for the non-gamers whom I presuming are reading this blog.)

As for what I'm writing right now, I'm mainly focusing on the week full of emotions - by others and by myself - and the feelings and thoughts I have from them.

First of all, let's get one thing straight. I'm not a touchy feely person at work and don't feel comfortable talking about feelings too much when trying to solve a problem. (I am a solutions focused person and like logic, deduction and problem solving. Feelings and the cushion talk doesn't really factor in a lot for me when I look for the issue and try and fix it.) Then again, I realize that this  (feelings) is how a lot of people deal with things so I've learned how to work it. It doesn't mean I LIKE it, just that I know how others responds and how it's best efficiently solved.

However, if you want me drained, let's talk about feelings and talk all the time. And yes, that's where I am a lot of times these days due to a certain situation at work. People are feeling vulnerable and scared of losing their jobs. Hence they go talk to someone who can comfort them. And somehow that person turns out to be me. (yes, I'm flattered but yet it's getting to be a little annoying/stressing.) I know they mean well but hearing a lot of times "well your boss likes you so you're safe" makes me want to tell them - you have MISUNDERSTOOD the importance of work. It's not that my boss LIKES me that's important. It's that my boss finds my work as ADD VALUE (important and helpful) to them. I'm happy if they like me. It's important that they DON'T DISLIKE me. It doesn't mean that the important thing is that the like me, they just have to NOT dislike me. And "THEY LIKE YOU" isn't a compliment to keep me safe. It makes me feel slightly clammy. Almost like you imply an inappropriate relationship or something like that. (yes, like that's never happened where you work.) What I want to tell them are "Inefficient, invaluable people can still get sacked, even if the boss "like" them". Even people who are liked and shacking up with the boss gets canned so no, "Liking" isn't what you strive for - "add value/getting stuff done" is.  I'm not loving the idea that people go about thinking that my job is safe due to the "boss liking me".

Ah well, it's a small moon in the sky with plenty shining stars to annoy me this week.

I've been a control person for a very long time. I pride myself with being really good at poker at a poker table (being able to make myself hard to read, controlling my emotions), I had a stint playing a bunch of devious boardgames and being good at them, not to mention the whole RPG stuff and playing a character wile gaming. And that's not even talking about grad studies or post-docing. Alas, all of this experience is sometimes a moot point when you encounter something that makes your blood boil and your eyes only seeing red.

I know that people have various tolerance and reasons for violence. I've been very good at keeping my temper at check for being violent so that's seldom been an issue (unless you bet someone up in front of me - that's usually not working and I end up in trouble). However, I've realized that I might be a little less tolerant to this whole notion of being called "girl" in a work place environment (among other things, I'm trying to keep this part related to work and not other time).

This past week- let's just say I was VERY happy that I not only focused on "let's solve the issue" but also that I realized that a lot of people were watching my every move and it was very important to keep cool and professional demeanor. I did (although I needed to walk away for a small second in the middle - thank goodness I needed to find the printer with the important paper - and that I could face the floor and carry the heavy bag without looking at the person who was pushing every single button for me to want to obliterate them with my voice) and then later I wrote a very fact based account of what happened to the people in charge and explained my grievances and why I wasn't feeling comfortable with the whole situation and wanted an assurance it was going to be settled.

So yes, mostly it helped to get a remedy phone call from the main company we worked with, apologizing for the horrible situation and letting me know that the company who was the cause of it all will not be hired by them anymore. Regardless that I might feel sorry for the individuals in questions, I've been in the USA for too long and therefore feel that "If you were behaving badly and not doing your job, it's on you" so therefore I refuse feeling sorry for you. (NOTE, it's not the person losing their job, it's the company losing their spot with the other company. Also, apparently they were on notice so it wasn't solely me. Look at me being all sappy about this anyhow and feeling contemplative about the whole thing "maybeI was overreacting.)

Regardless of that, I became more content with my reaction since a couple of the people in the lab who saw the sad situation commented to me afterwards. "I'm so in awe, you looked nonplussed" or "You were amazing, so calm and collected and you couldn't tell if you were flustered". I got reminded yet again, my coworkers don't know where my fury could go. They don't know that if (when?) I fly off the handle I really do (which is why I don't even go near at work). There is a lot of F word related things and feelngs, "in your face B".... There is a certain joy in my to do a "no hands down, bar none, brawl fighting"  concept. I know though, both from experience and brain power, it's a shitty, very non productive way to explode. It's one of the reasons I dislike those bad, non good relationship fights since it's muddy and when mud starts slinging no one is clean afterwards and not good solutions in sight. Always better to stay out of those things. However, there are times when I am quite content having these icy comments roll out and stab the person who is just picking away at the worst possible way... especially if there is someone else that they hurt in the first place. I have no tolerance for bullies.

I guess it makes me a bad person. I enjoy a certain kind of hurt. Or it makes me a non-pushover, since it most often happens when other people are involved. However, today it was partly the idea of being called "this girl" in a derogatory way and the slight contenedness I got by picking up the phone expressing "yes, this is Dr Chall" and later receiving a letter where someone is expressing "their apologies for this horrible thing to happen" (not calling me a girl, that wasn't something I complained about. There was a whole other issue going on but the "girl" thing was what was like a red blanket in front of the bull in a bull fighting ring. hello temper.)

All in all - this is my convoluted way of saying "there is more to me that meets the eye". And that I am not entirely comfortable for you to see my feelings when someone hurts me or my friends since I am honest and react to it clearly.

No comments: