IWD post this March 8th 2012

From feMOMhist: "The posts in this blog carnival are intended to inspire girls to decide for themselves what they want out of life and to encourage them to believe that they can achieve it."

I'll start with my disclaimer, since it seems to be a lot about balance in life as a parent/mother, and I am not a parent.... but I have a PhD and I am a woman and I have some ideas about the having happiness and pursuing my dreams and hope... so in any event... here goes...

The first time I realised that maybe it wasn't going to be as easy as I thought was when I got told a bit in my graduate studies that "maybe you should consider this research deal. Are you sure you want to become a professor/involved in research". Up until that point I hadn't really given it much thought after my initial decision of scurrying up the TT lane (down the rabbit hole) and "of course I wanted to finish my thesis and then do a post doc". I didn't think too much about it, but went at it and worked on my PhD title. Yeah well... fast forward a bunch of years (now I feel old), got myself a post-doc and later on an "industry" job where I currently reside in. I realise that I most often than not am pretty happy with my present life. Content would be a good word, since I am still trying to get more happiness and balance in there but I'm working on it. And I can look back at my choices and life and feel pretty good about them in hindsight. And most importantly, I'm very happy having the opportunity to talk to young women (girls) since I never had the thought that I couldn't do this and that because I was a girl. Maybe I couldn't do things because of other things, like I'm not a sports pro since I wasn't good at sport... etc... But study wise it never occurred to me that I couldn't do subject X 'because I was a girl' but rather it was a question if I found it interesting or not. Of course, some outer pressure probably didn't help keep me at the math department (previously mentioned here), but I usually think it was more the inability of saying what I could do in the future apart from being a researcher for life in the department, not the "girls can't do math" but... Anyway, I digress.

I've found one important thing to remember, is that you (I) need to know where you are going if you are going to go somewhere. At least have some notion because otherwise it's likely that you start moving in circles and that can be both confusing and disruptive. However, it's important to remember that you might change where you want to go halfway and then you need to take bearing and move in that direction.

I need to remember that every so often since I tend to dig myself into the hole and keep going "since I had decided to go there and I'm not stopping just because it gets hard. I am hard... etc...", i.e. not really thinking about whether or not I want to still keep going that way. (Suggestion one; be OK with changing goals and dreams.)

Of course, since this is 2012 and I currently reside in the United States of America (there is an election year and everyone wants to become president) it would be impossible for me not to mention one of the biggest reasons I am where I am today; access to birth control. Now, I don't say that I am a slut (as in the debate pathetic slugger comment by some radio talk show host), but rather that it made it possible for me to go through undergraduate and graduate studies without becoming pregnant, since I* didn't want to at that time. And that there was a time when this was not a choice for women and among other things firmly divided women into "mothers" or "pursuing their dreams/careers/studies/what have you". There are obviously other factors and the division wasn't always as strong as some people (mainly "people who love the 50ies as described in the media") would have you believe, but it is one of the most potent factors for "liberating women to have more choices and options in what they want their lives to be like and keep pursuing that".

I'm also truly happy that I grew up in  a country where I not only could be dressed in pants when I went to school, nor the mere notion of going to school, getting access to university studies if I so wanted (which I did), play sports, decide whom to marry (as much as anyone can decide these things I guess?), own a business and property, not to mention have control over my own money and numerous of others things, but for today I would like to remember those few key things that make it possible to sort of "have it all" as much as anyone can have it all**

All of these factors (and a bunch of unnamed ones) are the reasons why I have ended up where I am today, and that I have had the opportunity to do them. And I am a woman. And I don't think I'm that remarkable so therefore goes, if I can do it then you can do it (it = 'whatever' you want to do). Make sure though, that you are not alone, seek friends and collegues everywhere, and talk to older women and see if they can't give you some suggestions, inspirations and support. I know that it was immensely important to me. And still is.

The last part of this very long post would be the family part that I mentioned in the disclaimer.

I'm not a mother; that part of my life is not written yet. It might never be written, I don't know. Even if I feel ancient, I know I'm not.... so that is part of the hole digging and taking bearing that I have to do in the future. I have though, some experience in the "sharing life and household" with someone and I would be the first to say that being very conscious about "divisions of chores and work responsibilities" did lead to many a discussion (OK, we can call them arguments) but in the end those are the other key things to help you keep your goals and dreams (i.e. not get caught up and hindered because of someone else's dreams and hopes and you getting redirected into something where you don't want to be). The sharing and giving up some things, the planning and remaking (who really likes cleaning the bath room?) of expectations and everything likes. Communication about what you both want, need and all that jazz inbetween is really key.

If you made it all the way here, thank you. I thought I had a good ending but as usual my thoughts wondered. All in all, there is not anyone who can tell you not to try and pursue what you want. It is up to you if you want to try and pursue your happiness and life, and if you never try; how would you ever now if you would've liked it in the first place. Reality is usually much different from our dreams, but different doesn't have to be bad.

And these "factors" that I talked about, the rights we women now have compared to darker times, some long times ago, some not so long ago. Those rights are precious things that we (obviously) still need to fight for, as in not take for granted or give up pointing out that they are not up for debate anymore. It is something that I occasionally am lulled to sleep about, the 'keep pressure on them', but if nothing else these GOP presidental candidate election debates point out in so harsh light, Nothing is ever sacred from being ripped to shreds (pun intended) and especially not the right to be equal to everyone else. And it is up to us to remember to protect what we have and point out that the world is a safer and better place when women are considered first class people just like men, and men benefit from that too.
I'll stop proselyting now.



* could be exchanged for 'we' since the man in question didn't want to become a father while studying and finishing degrees either. And that might be one of the things I hate mostly about this whole campaign about "no birth control"; men benefit from this too. It's not all about single women going around having loose sex with married men and being Jezebel, it's about married [or monogamous] couples having sex and not having to worry about becoming parents at that specific time of thier marriage/togetherness. I understand that many of these haters don't like "living together without marriage" but I didn't really understand why they hate having nice sex with their partner that much... ah well, side note.

**I'm a firm believer that "career men" who are now in their 50ies/70ies might want to portray that they 'had it all' but when you lo0ok at it the description of 'father' and what many like to say is a 'mother' are so vastly different that it's fairly obvious that they might be 'fathers' but not necessarily 'good, present fathers with a close connection to their children' but since 'mothers' imply 'good mothers who are there for their children' you are indeed setting it all up to fail since then women nowadays (and men for that matter) strive to get something that no one really have gotten before...