Last couple of days and weeks I've been working with grant writing. As in, I've been the support person assembling preliminary data, help with reference papers and supporting material and - maybe most of all - supporting the feelings of the grant writers.
A lot of feelings and emotions go into the grant process. The worrying if the grant will be liked and approved, or if it's going to be rejected. That thing that if the grant gets rejected, it's also a rejection of the person behind the grant. And the fear of being rejected.
It's been a revisit for me since I'm not doing the grant writing on my own account. I'm not getting judged on my intellectual contribution and my writing (not from a grant perspective anyway). My ideas and my sense of self are not as closely linked as for a scientist who's competing for the few moneies that are left in the pool.
I can connect on the fear of rejection though. I did finish one thing of my own, a proposal of sorts and sent it off yesterday. I haven't heard feedback yet and I'm trying to keep an open mind and not worry about it. It's done. It's over. And there will be feedback and I can deal with it when it gets there.
Still don't like it.
The good thing with rejection in the work place is that you can practice and work on how to deliver and receive critique. There are, hopefully, mentors and support personnel to help with structuring the grant and improve the writing, thus improving your chance of not getting rejected. These things may or may not be part of your personal life, where rejection rears its head at times and you are left to deal with the fall out. And that type of rejection is seldom based on "your writing" but rather on "you as a person" or "things you did", which is a little more personal and a little harder to 'accept and get back on the horse'.
I've come to feel, after these pretty emotional weeks at work where my support have been asked for - that I have some knowledge in how to deal with these feelings. It's been a little surprising to me, since I tend to feel like the young emo teen I was back in the day, but apparently I'm fairly decent at alleviating stress and fears of rejection in others. Now I just have to work on alleviating my stress* of speaking about feelings and emotions at work every day. Good improvement work for the introvert ;)
*this stress have a tendency to manifest in slight paranoia of "am I a good enough friend/person/daughter" and other relationship like thoughts that could drive anyone slightly nuts. Good thing there are jogging and other exercise to get endorphins and remove the adrenaline
Wednesday, April 01, 2015
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Old library cards - making data bases searchable
One of my jobs is to organize. I organize processes, data, meetings, people, documents ... list goes on and one. Actually, I think one of the better words to use is to say that I "categorize" or "index". I thought about this the other day when someone asked about the details for a specific project.
"It's like old-school library cards"
The blank stare I got back was priceless. I know, I know, I am OLD* I then proceeded to explain how I remember the old "cross reference index cards [kartotek] that you had to use when going to the library to find books. The big, long boxes that pulled out and you could flip through them intensely searching for the one card that had the book you were looking for. And then stepping over to the correct shelf looking for where the book should be placed".
I mean, it's like a computer database - just more literal. The main point I was trying to drive home? That if you 'tag'/index something incorrectly, you will never be able to find it. This might be even more obvious now with 'smart' computers. Since computers aren't smart. They only look for exactly what you tell them to look for, and if someone has accidentally mis-spelled the index word.... well, you're out of luck.
Hence the second portion of my conversation about details that got the very brilliant scientists and physicians cringing and wanting not to talk so much about "locking things down" and "being detailed" since "maybe we could just have 'open fields' where everyone could write their own words".
Yeah. Not so much if you're asking me to build the system for you.
Why? Simple. If you let people write "what ever they they feel is correct in the field" - how on earth are you going to find it later? It's fascinating to me how many people use this excuse as an escape to not have the discussions about "what is important" and "who decides what we call x". I usually explain that in the best scenario you have two choices - yes and no. (Think about a freezer box with 81 openings for eppendorf tubes. Either there is a tube in the slot, or there isn't)
Or a field that has to be filled in for the log function to work, like "today's date". Or CAS number, if you are a chemist. Or a patient MRN for patient samples.
Those are, for obvious reasons, not so difficult to get along around. It's the more fluffy things that make it hard. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying "streamlining" is easy. All I'm saying is that it's imperative that you decide "most cases fall into these categories" and then leave one little option as "optional". The language equivalent of comparing between French and German. The latter has a lot of very defined groups where everything is exactly clear and then a few odd ones that do what ever they want and you need another type of subcategory to even know what you're looking for. The former, well - lots of exceptions and special cases, also depending on context... not an easy index card system.
My solution for many of these discussions? Suggesting, gently of course, that we use "choice" menus. How we get there? By doing a couple of template and examples (always so much easier to "show and tell" why someones system has a few issues) and then have a discussion (feedback loop) again about "which fields are crucial for the whole system to work" and then go from there. Sounds very easy, I type this and feel that it's obvious. However, it's fascinating to see the faces of people when they realize the difference between using prefixed choice "preclinical" instead of "pre-clinical" since the program will make a difference and then not find all of the studies they were looking for.
TLDR: cataloguing is something librarians know. Befriend a librarian and get help with your database. And/or get a friendly scientist turned organizer to help you distinguish between what's crucial and what's ideal.
Here is a great blog and posts about this and more, very eloquently written!
*OLD - meaning "formative years without computers or cell phones, no Internet" i.e. born before 1985-87?
"It's like old-school library cards"
The blank stare I got back was priceless. I know, I know, I am OLD* I then proceeded to explain how I remember the old "cross reference index cards [kartotek] that you had to use when going to the library to find books. The big, long boxes that pulled out and you could flip through them intensely searching for the one card that had the book you were looking for. And then stepping over to the correct shelf looking for where the book should be placed".
I mean, it's like a computer database - just more literal. The main point I was trying to drive home? That if you 'tag'/index something incorrectly, you will never be able to find it. This might be even more obvious now with 'smart' computers. Since computers aren't smart. They only look for exactly what you tell them to look for, and if someone has accidentally mis-spelled the index word.... well, you're out of luck.
Hence the second portion of my conversation about details that got the very brilliant scientists and physicians cringing and wanting not to talk so much about "locking things down" and "being detailed" since "maybe we could just have 'open fields' where everyone could write their own words".
Yeah. Not so much if you're asking me to build the system for you.
Why? Simple. If you let people write "what ever they they feel is correct in the field" - how on earth are you going to find it later? It's fascinating to me how many people use this excuse as an escape to not have the discussions about "what is important" and "who decides what we call x". I usually explain that in the best scenario you have two choices - yes and no. (Think about a freezer box with 81 openings for eppendorf tubes. Either there is a tube in the slot, or there isn't)
Or a field that has to be filled in for the log function to work, like "today's date". Or CAS number, if you are a chemist. Or a patient MRN for patient samples.
Those are, for obvious reasons, not so difficult to get along around. It's the more fluffy things that make it hard. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying "streamlining" is easy. All I'm saying is that it's imperative that you decide "most cases fall into these categories" and then leave one little option as "optional". The language equivalent of comparing between French and German. The latter has a lot of very defined groups where everything is exactly clear and then a few odd ones that do what ever they want and you need another type of subcategory to even know what you're looking for. The former, well - lots of exceptions and special cases, also depending on context... not an easy index card system.
My solution for many of these discussions? Suggesting, gently of course, that we use "choice" menus. How we get there? By doing a couple of template and examples (always so much easier to "show and tell" why someones system has a few issues) and then have a discussion (feedback loop) again about "which fields are crucial for the whole system to work" and then go from there. Sounds very easy, I type this and feel that it's obvious. However, it's fascinating to see the faces of people when they realize the difference between using prefixed choice "preclinical" instead of "pre-clinical" since the program will make a difference and then not find all of the studies they were looking for.
TLDR: cataloguing is something librarians know. Befriend a librarian and get help with your database. And/or get a friendly scientist turned organizer to help you distinguish between what's crucial and what's ideal.
Here is a great blog and posts about this and more, very eloquently written!
*OLD - meaning "formative years without computers or cell phones, no Internet" i.e. born before 1985-87?
Friday, March 20, 2015
Heart in a box or on the sleeve
I'm not good with gray. Or so I've always thought. Then when I look at my relationships with friends and family I realize that it's not really true. I'm giving people a second chance (and third and forth). I'm trying to accept their quirks and differences. I'm trying to see that the sum might be more than some of the parts. To really accept it, I might be really bad with extremes and "cutting people off". Especially once they have been accepted in. Everyone can make mistakes, non?
For a long time I kept my heart in a box. My trust and my feelings were stuffed inside, the guarded attitude to making new friends and sharing feelings and thoughts in bigger crowds. Slowly trying to move towards a happy medium, where one don't spill the darkest secrets for everyone to share and comment on, just the "regular ones to create a connection". Or what that is....
However, lately I've felt that I have been carrying my heart on a sleeve a little too much*. Telling some things that should've been kept for me only to too many people. These people though, are my friends. I know that this is expected. (For me that is, being scared of betrayal and failure. Admitting to certain wants and dreams, to others and to myself.) Those friends share with me and they are trusted, we trust each other. Also, that what I find very important and big - might not be that big from their point of view. The grand parcel might only be a matchbox for them, thus even less to worry about.
Someone mentioned to me this week; "I'm probably more friends with them than they with me. I tend to overstate my friendships with others in my head compared to what they think of me. Small things that happened, mean a lot to me. I don't make friends easily."
At the time I thought, that's me. Then I started to wonder. I might not make friends easily (new ones), but I keep the ones I've made. I've let my guard down for many years now - with then ones I've know for long, but also a few new ones to test the waters. It's been almost two decades for the old friend. Less than a decade for new ones. They've seen me through some bad times, I've seen them in less than perfect light, and yet - we remain friends. Maybe not keeping in touch every week, not even monthly, but when we do connect - it's like we pick up where we left off. It's a good feeling. An important things for me to remember, sometimes the heart on the sleeve is not a bad thing. Just exercise caution on when to put on that coat and when to tuck it in and wait for just a little longer.
*a week in solitude, without electronics or people, a true lenten retreat would be lovely.
For a long time I kept my heart in a box. My trust and my feelings were stuffed inside, the guarded attitude to making new friends and sharing feelings and thoughts in bigger crowds. Slowly trying to move towards a happy medium, where one don't spill the darkest secrets for everyone to share and comment on, just the "regular ones to create a connection". Or what that is....
However, lately I've felt that I have been carrying my heart on a sleeve a little too much*. Telling some things that should've been kept for me only to too many people. These people though, are my friends. I know that this is expected. (For me that is, being scared of betrayal and failure. Admitting to certain wants and dreams, to others and to myself.) Those friends share with me and they are trusted, we trust each other. Also, that what I find very important and big - might not be that big from their point of view. The grand parcel might only be a matchbox for them, thus even less to worry about.
Someone mentioned to me this week; "I'm probably more friends with them than they with me. I tend to overstate my friendships with others in my head compared to what they think of me. Small things that happened, mean a lot to me. I don't make friends easily."
At the time I thought, that's me. Then I started to wonder. I might not make friends easily (new ones), but I keep the ones I've made. I've let my guard down for many years now - with then ones I've know for long, but also a few new ones to test the waters. It's been almost two decades for the old friend. Less than a decade for new ones. They've seen me through some bad times, I've seen them in less than perfect light, and yet - we remain friends. Maybe not keeping in touch every week, not even monthly, but when we do connect - it's like we pick up where we left off. It's a good feeling. An important things for me to remember, sometimes the heart on the sleeve is not a bad thing. Just exercise caution on when to put on that coat and when to tuck it in and wait for just a little longer.
*a week in solitude, without electronics or people, a true lenten retreat would be lovely.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Coaching, Mentoring and Life Goals
It's been a busy year, lots of thoughts and work at the same time.
I had the opportunity last yearish to be coached at work. The year before I had a more formal mentoring relationship with an assigned mentor (slightly different than my mentoring by my former post-doc advisor). The mentoring and coaching are slightly different in idea and execution.
In short I would say "mentoring allow a more ‘directive’ attitude and provide specific advice where appropriate, usually from a more experienced person helping the less-experienced person with advice, info and guidance". A coaching situation would be more "focusing on improving performance and skills, and the coach wouldn't offer their own advice or opinion, but rather help the coached individual find their own solutions and grow".
This is to say that I had one meeting a month with someone who was assigned to me and we worked though a few situations and tried to give me tools and techniques to increase my effectivity and work efficiency. A lot of time spent of making me more efficient in interaction with people* in a work setting based on the experience from my mentor and their view on me and my abilities. The coaching was slightly different, being less one-on-one and a little more about reading books and applying techniques to work. Also, more focused on things like "how do you become more efficient at work", "having a work-life balance", "what are your life goals" etc....
Both of these opportunities have been great experiences and I've learned a lot.
However, it also collided a little with a former goal of mine. When I became a post-doc I was under the impression that I could plan my life. I had a pretty good 5 year plan as a graduate student, and that spilled into my post-doc life and what I had planned for the rest of my life as well. However, life took a turn and my life plan quite significantly derailed and with that a big part of my outlook on life.
I spent quite some time thinking and pondering the whole "what's the point of life", "why does it seem to work for everyone else", "it was supposed to be different than this - I had a Plan" and realized that I had a pretty big chunk of "comparing-lives-with-my-friends-issue". I also realized that my planning and trying to control life was probably never going to work and that maybe I should focus a little more on being happy in the moment and being grateful for what I actually have (and have accomplished) rather than staring into the sky and wishing for the moon.
It didn't occur to me that I had succeeded quite well in the "be happy in the now and worry about future later" until this last fall when I had a little mini-breakdown and a pity-party-invite-of-one feeling that I was failing the life plan. What brought this on?
Two major things I think. (Apart from being a slightly neurotic woman who is secretly stressed about being perfect, happy and successful and worries constantly...)
One was a book that I read in the coaching sessions. The name isn't relevant since I think it's mainly drivel. One of the key points from the author is "you should write down your three life goals on a piece of paper and every so often (during the day/week) you should take that out and ask yourself - is what I am doing now bringing me closer to my goals - and if it isn't, you should stop doing those things".
My main beef with this is that it makes it sound like "you can make everything happen and you should just go for it". Which I would be the first to say that it SOUNDS nice and good, but in realty it isn't really as simple. It also brings a little issue (pet-peeve) of mine that relationships and emotions aren't something you can decide and accomplish on your own, it's a little more complex than that.
Second thing, a lot of people giving motivational talks and science talks at work stressing the "in the end of the road, work doesn't matter it's the family time outside of work that is really important" and "my success is derived of having a supportive family". Although, funny enough - most of these people are quite accomplished in their fields and have families and I have a sneaky feeling that they didn't have a great work-life balance when they started their jobs.
Ah well, in hindsight it was pretty easy to see that this really messed me up quite a bit in my head. Combination of "the one thing I've failed in with life" (marriage/family concept) and the "need to spend time with family outside of work" made my brain and heart hurt.
On a cognitive (rational) level I understand that most of these people are also accomplished in their work and they add the family concept on top - thus making them super successful - and there are quite a lot of people who are just traipsing by the sheer luck of their lives to have jobs and family, or either or. And that it is quite OK to struggle with work-life balance and also liking the job and science and maybe "work a little more" in periods.
On a more emotional level though, my feelings are that I need to defend why I have ended up where I have, and that I need to overstate how happy I am with my current situation and that I really planned it this way (I didn't). Most of all though, I'm left with pondering what it is I really want with life and how to get it. You know, those questions I started leaving back in my post-doc years.... and those questions didn't really get me any place happy but rather made me question why on earth I didn't just find a man in my early 20ies and settled down with several kids next door to my parents since that seems to have been the best choice in this game of life that everyone is playing....
Or maybe, all of this is just extra stressful since I'm about to go back home and being sized up on "how successful are you" by my old kindergarten friends in a reunion?
*working with people efficiently (different from being a bench scientist)
I had the opportunity last yearish to be coached at work. The year before I had a more formal mentoring relationship with an assigned mentor (slightly different than my mentoring by my former post-doc advisor). The mentoring and coaching are slightly different in idea and execution.
In short I would say "mentoring allow a more ‘directive’ attitude and provide specific advice where appropriate, usually from a more experienced person helping the less-experienced person with advice, info and guidance". A coaching situation would be more "focusing on improving performance and skills, and the coach wouldn't offer their own advice or opinion, but rather help the coached individual find their own solutions and grow".
This is to say that I had one meeting a month with someone who was assigned to me and we worked though a few situations and tried to give me tools and techniques to increase my effectivity and work efficiency. A lot of time spent of making me more efficient in interaction with people* in a work setting based on the experience from my mentor and their view on me and my abilities. The coaching was slightly different, being less one-on-one and a little more about reading books and applying techniques to work. Also, more focused on things like "how do you become more efficient at work", "having a work-life balance", "what are your life goals" etc....
Both of these opportunities have been great experiences and I've learned a lot.
However, it also collided a little with a former goal of mine. When I became a post-doc I was under the impression that I could plan my life. I had a pretty good 5 year plan as a graduate student, and that spilled into my post-doc life and what I had planned for the rest of my life as well. However, life took a turn and my life plan quite significantly derailed and with that a big part of my outlook on life.
I spent quite some time thinking and pondering the whole "what's the point of life", "why does it seem to work for everyone else", "it was supposed to be different than this - I had a Plan" and realized that I had a pretty big chunk of "comparing-lives-with-my-friends-issue". I also realized that my planning and trying to control life was probably never going to work and that maybe I should focus a little more on being happy in the moment and being grateful for what I actually have (and have accomplished) rather than staring into the sky and wishing for the moon.
It didn't occur to me that I had succeeded quite well in the "be happy in the now and worry about future later" until this last fall when I had a little mini-breakdown and a pity-party-invite-of-one feeling that I was failing the life plan. What brought this on?
Two major things I think. (Apart from being a slightly neurotic woman who is secretly stressed about being perfect, happy and successful and worries constantly...)
One was a book that I read in the coaching sessions. The name isn't relevant since I think it's mainly drivel. One of the key points from the author is "you should write down your three life goals on a piece of paper and every so often (during the day/week) you should take that out and ask yourself - is what I am doing now bringing me closer to my goals - and if it isn't, you should stop doing those things".
My main beef with this is that it makes it sound like "you can make everything happen and you should just go for it". Which I would be the first to say that it SOUNDS nice and good, but in realty it isn't really as simple. It also brings a little issue (pet-peeve) of mine that relationships and emotions aren't something you can decide and accomplish on your own, it's a little more complex than that.
Second thing, a lot of people giving motivational talks and science talks at work stressing the "in the end of the road, work doesn't matter it's the family time outside of work that is really important" and "my success is derived of having a supportive family". Although, funny enough - most of these people are quite accomplished in their fields and have families and I have a sneaky feeling that they didn't have a great work-life balance when they started their jobs.
Ah well, in hindsight it was pretty easy to see that this really messed me up quite a bit in my head. Combination of "the one thing I've failed in with life" (marriage/family concept) and the "need to spend time with family outside of work" made my brain and heart hurt.
On a cognitive (rational) level I understand that most of these people are also accomplished in their work and they add the family concept on top - thus making them super successful - and there are quite a lot of people who are just traipsing by the sheer luck of their lives to have jobs and family, or either or. And that it is quite OK to struggle with work-life balance and also liking the job and science and maybe "work a little more" in periods.
On a more emotional level though, my feelings are that I need to defend why I have ended up where I have, and that I need to overstate how happy I am with my current situation and that I really planned it this way (I didn't). Most of all though, I'm left with pondering what it is I really want with life and how to get it. You know, those questions I started leaving back in my post-doc years.... and those questions didn't really get me any place happy but rather made me question why on earth I didn't just find a man in my early 20ies and settled down with several kids next door to my parents since that seems to have been the best choice in this game of life that everyone is playing....
Or maybe, all of this is just extra stressful since I'm about to go back home and being sized up on "how successful are you" by my old kindergarten friends in a reunion?
*working with people efficiently (different from being a bench scientist)
Sunday, February 01, 2015
being friends with co-workers?
First post of the new year, and it's already been a month... ah well, Lent is about to come by and wit that yet another good opportunity to "change the life and make promises". Right?! :)
I've been contemplating this "work and friends deal" the last couple of months. I've never been great with being "personal and private" with my co-workers. I tend to be a little on the distance side. Why? Because I'm not great with sharing my private and personal dealings (family issues, dreams and emotions) with people that I need to work with and need to work well with. My stance has for a long time been to try and keep it professional since sooner or later there will be people I work with whom I don't agree with on the personal/private side and since I can't stop working with them just "because I don't like them per se" I might as well be in the dark about it.
More importantly though, I'm bright enough to realise that it's mainly that I don't want me coworkers to realize that they really don't like me (the private/personal me, not the scientist and fixer that I am in work life). I'm scared of them rejecting me and the messiness of emotions* entering the work space and therefore I distance myself from it all.
Why is this an issue right now? Because the last year or two I've been immersed in this "leadership" programme and "coaching" thing (in moments of ego I view it as 'grooming for higher role') and a lot of it focuses on "you need to connect with your people", "be personable and private with them", "share private things so they get to know you and you them" etc.... I have a really hard time with it.
And then I have some new co-workers who puts me to the test. The socialize a lot outside of work. They help each other with child care, paint houses, hang out and watch football etc. They are chummy and know things about each other and their feelings. And now they want to include me in this. It's sweet. Don't get me wrong. I'm really happy that they want to do things with me outside of work. My issue? Did you read the second paragraph of this post? Exactly.
I would say one thing though - the cultural difference that is VERY obvious to me - is that back home we would DO things together. Perhaps go ice skating, or swimming or something like that. Not really have dinner at some one's house - unless you really liked and knew people. The culture here though is very tricky as in "there is a personal side that isn't too private but kind of feels private and personal". I don't even know how to explain it. It's like the American Southern culture is very kind and "let's visit together" (code word for hang out, drink some tea/drinks and talk for max 2h) at one's houses and yet at the same time there is no real private discussions or what I would call personal space. It's very interesting, yet extremely stressful for me.
Anyone has any thoughts about this? How do you socialize with your co-workers? Your bosses? Your former bosses?** Do you invite them to your house and hand out? Go to movies together?
* emotions in work space based on "I thought we were friends and why didn't you back me up in the meeting etc"... and similar things
**side note, I socialize very well with my former bosses and coworkers. it's a piece of cake. It's the current ones that give me the head ache in nervousness.
I've been contemplating this "work and friends deal" the last couple of months. I've never been great with being "personal and private" with my co-workers. I tend to be a little on the distance side. Why? Because I'm not great with sharing my private and personal dealings (family issues, dreams and emotions) with people that I need to work with and need to work well with. My stance has for a long time been to try and keep it professional since sooner or later there will be people I work with whom I don't agree with on the personal/private side and since I can't stop working with them just "because I don't like them per se" I might as well be in the dark about it.
More importantly though, I'm bright enough to realise that it's mainly that I don't want me coworkers to realize that they really don't like me (the private/personal me, not the scientist and fixer that I am in work life). I'm scared of them rejecting me and the messiness of emotions* entering the work space and therefore I distance myself from it all.
Why is this an issue right now? Because the last year or two I've been immersed in this "leadership" programme and "coaching" thing (in moments of ego I view it as 'grooming for higher role') and a lot of it focuses on "you need to connect with your people", "be personable and private with them", "share private things so they get to know you and you them" etc.... I have a really hard time with it.
And then I have some new co-workers who puts me to the test. The socialize a lot outside of work. They help each other with child care, paint houses, hang out and watch football etc. They are chummy and know things about each other and their feelings. And now they want to include me in this. It's sweet. Don't get me wrong. I'm really happy that they want to do things with me outside of work. My issue? Did you read the second paragraph of this post? Exactly.
I would say one thing though - the cultural difference that is VERY obvious to me - is that back home we would DO things together. Perhaps go ice skating, or swimming or something like that. Not really have dinner at some one's house - unless you really liked and knew people. The culture here though is very tricky as in "there is a personal side that isn't too private but kind of feels private and personal". I don't even know how to explain it. It's like the American Southern culture is very kind and "let's visit together" (code word for hang out, drink some tea/drinks and talk for max 2h) at one's houses and yet at the same time there is no real private discussions or what I would call personal space. It's very interesting, yet extremely stressful for me.
Anyone has any thoughts about this? How do you socialize with your co-workers? Your bosses? Your former bosses?** Do you invite them to your house and hand out? Go to movies together?
* emotions in work space based on "I thought we were friends and why didn't you back me up in the meeting etc"... and similar things
**side note, I socialize very well with my former bosses and coworkers. it's a piece of cake. It's the current ones that give me the head ache in nervousness.
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