Heart in a box or on the sleeve

I'm not good with gray. Or so I've always thought. Then when I look at my relationships with friends and family I realize that it's not really true. I'm giving people a second chance (and third and forth). I'm trying to accept their quirks and differences. I'm trying to see that the sum might be more than some of the parts. To really accept it, I might be really bad with extremes and "cutting people off". Especially once they have been accepted in. Everyone can make mistakes, non?

For a long time I kept my heart in a box. My trust and my feelings were stuffed inside, the guarded attitude to making new friends and sharing feelings and thoughts in bigger crowds. Slowly trying to move towards a happy medium, where one don't spill the darkest secrets for everyone to share and comment on, just the "regular ones to create a connection". Or what that is....

However, lately I've felt that I have been carrying my heart on a sleeve a little too much*. Telling some things that should've been kept for me only to too many people. These people though, are my friends. I know that this is expected. (For me that is, being scared of betrayal and failure. Admitting to certain wants and dreams, to others and to myself.) Those friends share with me and they are trusted, we trust each other. Also, that what I find very important and big - might not be that big from their point of view. The grand parcel might only be a matchbox for them, thus even less to worry about.

Someone mentioned to me this week; "I'm probably more friends with them than they with me. I tend to overstate my friendships with others in my head compared to what they think of me. Small things that happened, mean a lot to me. I don't make friends easily."

At the time I thought, that's me. Then I started to wonder. I might not make friends easily (new ones), but I keep the ones I've made. I've let my guard down for many years now - with then ones I've know for long, but also a few new ones to test the waters. It's been almost two decades for the old friend. Less than a decade for new ones. They've seen me through some bad times, I've seen them in less than perfect light, and yet - we remain friends. Maybe not keeping in touch every week, not even monthly, but when we do connect - it's like we pick up where we left off. It's a good feeling. An important things for me to remember, sometimes the heart on the sleeve is not a bad thing. Just exercise caution on when to put on that coat and when to tuck it in and wait for just a little longer.


*a week in solitude, without electronics or people, a true lenten retreat would be lovely.