I was waiting for the result of the exam I took earlier this spring and found out today that I didn't pass it.
I'm a little annoyed that I failed, but not feeling as bad as I thought. Maybe because I didn't really think I studied enough due to working a lot and not treating it as serious as I should've? And maybe because I think I didn't deserve to pass it. I didn't fail it by much, just a few questions tipping the scale for just outside.... maybe that helps with my feelings about it too? And the fact that last year the passing rate was 38% so I'm in good company with the majority taking the test (this may not be true this year though, the stats aren't out yet).
In any event, I feel better now that I know the result. Recent events in my life have been pointing this out to me very clearly that I can easily stress myself by looking at unknown situations and waiting for answers. I have a tendency to "make up alternative scenarios" - not the best trait all the time. And especially when stressed about a number of things* and then adding the unknowns together, yeah not the best thing.
One of my friends told me today "not to google what I _think_ I saw and heard" at the doctor's office since "I will find out the results when the experts have looked at them and tell me in context". No need for me to get all excited (scared that is) before I know what they think they know. It's not easy being a control freak at times. So, for now, I will move my focus back to work since I don't have to waste energy thinking about the exam nor the re-study since it is 10 more months before I can even apply again..... As for the other stress events, I will know in due time and make my plans accordingly afterwards.
*one of the meetings in a new team went a little south the other week. Partly because of a communication issue, partly because the stress of the deadline looming didn't seem as obvious to some of the members. It's not easy going through the 'storming' phase of a team building in the making.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
things, action plan and stuff
Just a little place holder since I had hope that I would write something that wasn't a whine... nor an "introspective teen angst" but something scientific and relating to work and leadership and other stuff that relates to work.
Then work and other things happened and my life got very busy and I started back into the gym loop to try and keep the anxiety away. And tonight is Stanley Cup finals first game... after working and getting home by 8.30, and tomorrow is being at work at 7 am... as is Friday. Yeah.
So, in not so long terms; I wrote an application for a new job but before I submitted it (on a Monday). I realised the posting disappeared between Friday and Monday morning (rookie mistake always check before opening and adding a bunch of details and such). I wrote another application and kept my cv up to date in case "that other job" opened up (it didn't). I will apply for the other (third) job very soon since that seems to be the way to go. I found out a not so nice "surprise" about things that matter to me in my present life, thus the three applications. I might be semi happy right now, but in two years? Not as sure....
There has been some others issues on the side lines making trouble. Team work, as usual a little more stressful than teamworkwithroseyglasses (so tiresome sometimes when people are a little naive). Dead lines that are heavy, hard and very close by. Other dead lines, similarly heavy and close by.... but I don't want to be a whiny person, and I've been one the last couple of months due to things. So, it might be better to change something drastically.
If nothing else, looking at it from a distance brings out the obvious problem. I don't really care about money when I look at work and happiness. However, if I'm ending up feeling used since I'm the lowest paid person in my "level" but being asked to do the most "responsible" things, and having great responsibilities with all that it entails ... well, then I will stop since I'm tired of being taken advantaged of. Simple as that. Sometimes that means down grading what you are doing, sometimes it just means not making the extra stuff a priority. And sometimes it means that you have to leave to make a point.
I'll see what happens in the future but for now it's a nice novelty to feel a little more free and not striving to "make everyone happy" since I don't want to feel too used and tricked and fooled.
Here's to just a small incline of disobedience. I'm doing it if you tell me to, but I won't volunteer. That train has sailed (sic!)
Then work and other things happened and my life got very busy and I started back into the gym loop to try and keep the anxiety away. And tonight is Stanley Cup finals first game... after working and getting home by 8.30, and tomorrow is being at work at 7 am... as is Friday. Yeah.
So, in not so long terms; I wrote an application for a new job but before I submitted it (on a Monday). I realised the posting disappeared between Friday and Monday morning (rookie mistake always check before opening and adding a bunch of details and such). I wrote another application and kept my cv up to date in case "that other job" opened up (it didn't). I will apply for the other (third) job very soon since that seems to be the way to go. I found out a not so nice "surprise" about things that matter to me in my present life, thus the three applications. I might be semi happy right now, but in two years? Not as sure....
There has been some others issues on the side lines making trouble. Team work, as usual a little more stressful than teamworkwithroseyglasses (so tiresome sometimes when people are a little naive). Dead lines that are heavy, hard and very close by. Other dead lines, similarly heavy and close by.... but I don't want to be a whiny person, and I've been one the last couple of months due to things. So, it might be better to change something drastically.
If nothing else, looking at it from a distance brings out the obvious problem. I don't really care about money when I look at work and happiness. However, if I'm ending up feeling used since I'm the lowest paid person in my "level" but being asked to do the most "responsible" things, and having great responsibilities with all that it entails ... well, then I will stop since I'm tired of being taken advantaged of. Simple as that. Sometimes that means down grading what you are doing, sometimes it just means not making the extra stuff a priority. And sometimes it means that you have to leave to make a point.
I'll see what happens in the future but for now it's a nice novelty to feel a little more free and not striving to "make everyone happy" since I don't want to feel too used and tricked and fooled.
Here's to just a small incline of disobedience. I'm doing it if you tell me to, but I won't volunteer. That train has sailed (sic!)
Monday, May 13, 2013
"transportsträcka" (transportation distance)
The Swedish word is "transportssträcka" - divided into two separate words; transport and sträcka. Transport means transport as in English. Sträcka is path/length/distance. What it really means is that the travel isn't really the meaning of the whole thing, it's just a means to an end. It's usually like the "road to work" or "the last hours before the anticipated event". No enjoyment per se but rather just passing time...
The last thing is what the word means to me today. Today the whole day will be waiting for the time to turn 6 pm central time when GAME 7 starts!
Bruins vs Leafs, at TD Garden. No one thought it would go to game 7. And even if it doesn't end the way I want it (LEAFS) I will be SO happy that they gave Bruins this much trouble :)
Let's get on with all these hours to pass now (hopefully productively too)!!
The last thing is what the word means to me today. Today the whole day will be waiting for the time to turn 6 pm central time when GAME 7 starts!
Bruins vs Leafs, at TD Garden. No one thought it would go to game 7. And even if it doesn't end the way I want it (LEAFS) I will be SO happy that they gave Bruins this much trouble :)
Let's get on with all these hours to pass now (hopefully productively too)!!
Thursday, May 02, 2013
heart in the throat
That's what we call it (in Swedish, "we" being the Swedes). Having the "heart in the throat" when things are scary, you feel like you can't breathe but you are also possibly excited going out on a limb.... in short, you are pumping with adrenaline and anything can happen.
Some people think this is silly. I couldn't agree more. Then again, I'm stuck in front of the telly with my heart in my throat, my hands clammy.... my brain is telling me "that this is useless and hopeless". My heart on the other hand is doing what it does too well, "telling me that this might work out and isn't it lovely and oohhhh..... look at those shots". And hoping. Always hoping that maybe this time it will work, it will be different, only this time.
Of course I am talking about Stanley Cup playoffs. Hockey. The sometimes violent sport where grown people chase a black plastic thing on ice. The ecstasy of 20*3 minutes where nothing is done until the ref calls it a night.
I had such high hopes and dream about the playoffs this time. You see, my team (my first true NHL love) is in the play offs for the first time in 9 years. Let's not talk about how long it was since the Cup was theirs. OK. That was in 1967. Anyway, I can't even begin to tell you what I was like when this happened last time (play offs that is, the cup time is easy, I wasn't even born when that happened last. Yes. That long ago. It's the longest "draught" in the NHL. Something we're winning at....) It was an era long gone. It was the pre-PhDthesis, pre-marriage, pre-devorce, pre-movefromhomecountry, pre-postdoc, pre-alotofthings.... In short, it was the glorious days of "everything is possible and the world is your oyster".
I fell back into that Sunday this week. Sunday was the start of two glorious days where I managed to talk myself into that "surely this time it will be different". "This time maybe the hype of being in the play offs for the first time in almost a decade would carry the time to a magnificent win in Boston- of all places- and make the Leafs being victorious and all the fans giddy with joy and happiness. And the giddy kicked up a notch when the first game started, GOAL after 2 minutes of play time. And for 12 minutes I was kept on this high - my heart was pounding in my throat but my mind was trying to tell the story that "this won't last, don't get too disappointed". Needless to say, the real pounding started shortly after halftime of first period and it didn't stop until the ref called it a game over.
The good thing about love? And hope? And dreams?
That the brain has nothing to with it*. Only the heart talks and right now my heart is telling me to still believe, still hope and still dream. There are at least 3 more games left to play (rounds in play offs are 7 so 4 winning is the minimum to win the series) and after the first 2 the games more to "home turf". Technically that is giving more odds to win so I will keep that glowing hope and wearing the T-shirt and the heart in the throat. (Whom am I kidding? I wouldn't be able to turn this off even if I tried. It's like telling a dumped part in a relationship that it's useless hoping to be asked back into the house and the prince will never marry you and give you half the kingdom but surely if he just met you for one drink that would all happen.... yeah... exactly like that.)
Needless to say, the next three games will be similar to torture, watching a car wreck, what have you. I will watch and love every second of it since until the scores say 4- in games, there is ALWAYS hope. And this year, this magic year after a long wait, maybe the little brother-cousin will raise to the occasion and spring a surprise on the rude, brutal, mean machine in the east. (That's Boston Bruins to the rest of y'all.)
After all, what is the play offs if not a big goodie bag of hopes, dreams and a lot of great played hockey?! :)
*let's not get into the conversation why it's so stupid that brain has nothing to do with love. Not today. Let's save that for a rainy day.
Some people think this is silly. I couldn't agree more. Then again, I'm stuck in front of the telly with my heart in my throat, my hands clammy.... my brain is telling me "that this is useless and hopeless". My heart on the other hand is doing what it does too well, "telling me that this might work out and isn't it lovely and oohhhh..... look at those shots". And hoping. Always hoping that maybe this time it will work, it will be different, only this time.
Of course I am talking about Stanley Cup playoffs. Hockey. The sometimes violent sport where grown people chase a black plastic thing on ice. The ecstasy of 20*3 minutes where nothing is done until the ref calls it a night.
I had such high hopes and dream about the playoffs this time. You see, my team (my first true NHL love) is in the play offs for the first time in 9 years. Let's not talk about how long it was since the Cup was theirs. OK. That was in 1967. Anyway, I can't even begin to tell you what I was like when this happened last time (play offs that is, the cup time is easy, I wasn't even born when that happened last. Yes. That long ago. It's the longest "draught" in the NHL. Something we're winning at....) It was an era long gone. It was the pre-PhDthesis, pre-marriage, pre-devorce, pre-movefromhomecountry, pre-postdoc, pre-alotofthings.... In short, it was the glorious days of "everything is possible and the world is your oyster".
I fell back into that Sunday this week. Sunday was the start of two glorious days where I managed to talk myself into that "surely this time it will be different". "This time maybe the hype of being in the play offs for the first time in almost a decade would carry the time to a magnificent win in Boston- of all places- and make the Leafs being victorious and all the fans giddy with joy and happiness. And the giddy kicked up a notch when the first game started, GOAL after 2 minutes of play time. And for 12 minutes I was kept on this high - my heart was pounding in my throat but my mind was trying to tell the story that "this won't last, don't get too disappointed". Needless to say, the real pounding started shortly after halftime of first period and it didn't stop until the ref called it a game over.
The good thing about love? And hope? And dreams?
That the brain has nothing to with it*. Only the heart talks and right now my heart is telling me to still believe, still hope and still dream. There are at least 3 more games left to play (rounds in play offs are 7 so 4 winning is the minimum to win the series) and after the first 2 the games more to "home turf". Technically that is giving more odds to win so I will keep that glowing hope and wearing the T-shirt and the heart in the throat. (Whom am I kidding? I wouldn't be able to turn this off even if I tried. It's like telling a dumped part in a relationship that it's useless hoping to be asked back into the house and the prince will never marry you and give you half the kingdom but surely if he just met you for one drink that would all happen.... yeah... exactly like that.)
Needless to say, the next three games will be similar to torture, watching a car wreck, what have you. I will watch and love every second of it since until the scores say 4- in games, there is ALWAYS hope. And this year, this magic year after a long wait, maybe the little brother-cousin will raise to the occasion and spring a surprise on the rude, brutal, mean machine in the east. (That's Boston Bruins to the rest of y'all.)
After all, what is the play offs if not a big goodie bag of hopes, dreams and a lot of great played hockey?! :)
*let's not get into the conversation why it's so stupid that brain has nothing to do with love. Not today. Let's save that for a rainy day.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
150 questions
It's been a long time since I've been sitting studying for many days. Honestly, I usually didn't study at night after working 8 hours+ but details details...
What's been very interesting today is that I am vividly remembering this frantic scramming that I'm currently doing. The panicky feeling in my tummy if I fail and don't pass the exam. The "what if I don't pass?"* The ego sadness, the embarrassing feelings, and the panic that I might not make it. After all, it's 150 questions, 7 areas and 62 different topics. All topics will get at least one question.
How to know if you pass or not? Well, that will have to wait another three months. And then I will only find out, pass or fail. No correct answers, no "these are your correct answers". Only a pass/fail and if fail an option to repay money and retake the exam. Rinse and repeat one more time this year and then there will be reapplying (more money and more waiting time).
I don't think I will retake the exam more than three times though. Money and shame. I seriously doubt I'll try three times even.... But I shouldn't think about that right now. Only positive thoughts now! And of course, focusing on those areas and topics and "everything I've ever learned about microbiology and GMP regulations". Off to the books (eh, websites and collected pieces of information)!
*extra fascinating to me since I had pretty good record through uni (and school before that). I know that this "panic mode" always appear when it is enough time to study quite a bit, but too close to study ALL... once I'm even closer to the exam, the calm and the persistent hard core studying and reviewing will take place. The "there is no messing about now, only reviewing everything and make sure some stuff stay in the brain. Let's not waste energy on panicking". Still though, it's been more than 7 years since my last exam (not counting thesis defense since that was in a different league). Now I feel old ;)
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