If I thought I was doing well lately, these last two weeks have shown me in too stark light that I'm on the verge of what I can do. After holiday break there was a change in the projects I am involved in and I got involved in some more hands-on-project with a new small group. I forgot that I've always been a little apprehensive in the beginning of working with new people. I am reserved and private, I put on a good smiley American face and go with "it's all so good and we can do it".
The difference now is that I presumed (which you should NEVER do) that these people whom I've known for several years knew me and could see beyond the "non smiley resting bitch face" that I have when I'm thinking over strategy and trying to sort out the best way to move forward etc. Since I'm the safe person that everyone knows, I'm also the one you can make fun of to make the group small talk.
Somewhere in here is a compliment I'm sure. That I have joked about myself earlier and have a sense of humour. That I am the person they all recommend and state all the time "she's the one who knows this, she is great at this". However, in times of emotional stress this is all getting to me a little too much and I'm having a tough time to smile at all the jokes all the time... (over sensitive, I know. Such a cliche for a woman.)
It doesn't help that I'm waiting for two things that take up my emotional capital and thoughts when trying to sleep. One is a personal medical result, one of the reasons I don't like taking tests at the doctor's since I map out the scenarios in my head - from the best one to the worst and work on steeling myself in case it is the bad outcome. (I know, most likely one should go with "wait for results and don't worry in vain".) Second is a phone call to tell me there is a funeral and this is the date for it. It's not my immediate family but it's never easy, especially not with someone who isn't that old.
I wish I could be like some others and not over think, to rest and be zen about it "what will happen, will happen", and i'm better now than I've been before in my life. However, it's the convergence of things that make it difficult. Especially since I am not the person who talk too much about my feelings and personal stuff at work. I've been open with a select few about parts of the issues, but that's as far as I am willing to go.
Though, considering what happened last week, I think I'm going to have a heart-to-heart with someone in power this week since things are, as we say in the north, cracking like ice when you glide over the lakes with the sun shining down. Let's hope it doesn't turn as bad as my brain has been stressing about this weekend. What's the worst thing that can happen really? That they say "I'm disappointed in you, you haven't done the A game lately"? Well, that happened two weeks ago so... it can only go up from here?
/end of sad venting. It's been awhile for these.... normal blogging will resume shortly. I'm taking my mind off all the stuff and re-watching Battlestar Galactica since it's on hulu so I don't have to dig into my dvd discs ;)
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