One of the biggest differences that my job have had on my life is that I'm nowadays not as much social on my personal time. I've always been an introvert at heart, my home is my castle. I like being with small groups of people, one-on-one talks or max of 4 people is when I feel the least stressed. However, I don't mind big parties and mingle around. Going to various venues and meeting new people. Conference parties and talking to lots and lots of people. It's just that I need some decompress time afterwards and be completely alone so I don't have to worry about how people perceive me, or take in all of the impressions and process them and be prepared for all the things. The introvert recharges alone.
When I was a post-doc I had a lot of things on the side of the job. I went to coffee with people, met up with friends outside of work, hung out in bars, went to social shindigs and art exhibits and roamed to a lot of other things. My work space was fairly limited with interactions, it was me and my mice/bacteria/cells. The cell hood was my second home and I chatted to them to make them feel good. The mice were my babies, I fretted over them, bred them and got so much good data from them. It wasn't about meetings or thinking about "what's the tactic" but rather "get data, move it forward".
My present job isn't like that. It's sharing two offices with 4 people and often not having alone time until they have left for the day and there is some quiet. It's meetings, interactions and "managing from below". It's about relationships and people's feelings. It's about making everyone feel like they are the most important and that their contribution is great and that makes the projects move forward. It's thanking people for their hard work and their contributions. It's sorting out what make them tick and get interested in the parts of the project that may or may not be _that_ interesting at first glance but it is pivotal to finish for the job to get done. It's people, data in projects and more people.
I love it. It's challenging and I think I'm pretty good at it. I get to do research and be connected with research without standing at the bench. And without being responsible for writing grants and getting the money. I need to be responsible for what happens with the money, and that's something I like.
However, the clearest thing that has happened (last couple of months in particular) is that I'm not at all social anymore. When I get home after work I'm longing for alone time. On the weekends I long to go out in the forest and be in nature. I run outside and love the sound of my breathing, the pounding of my feet on the ground. Listening to podcasts about what goes on in the world and triggering my thoughts about things I find interesting. Sitting outside with a book, leaving the phone inside, just immersing myself in reading. Being in the now and focusing on the immediate world right there. Not caring too much about the time nor what happens later on.
The problem? That I'm worried that I'm losing the few friends I had before. That I'm so good at living in the now that I have lost track of where the future is going. Maybe I'm not living in the now as much as avoiding the decisions that I should make for the future? Because, as any woman knows, "there is only so much time you have".
Hello overthinking introvert.....
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