being a failure vs having failed at something

There's a motivational quote that goes along the lines of "if you don't try at anything, you can't fail" and "you never fail until you stop trying". I'm not much for motivational quotes. I do however keep some demotivators as my screen saver at work since my humor is dark, and cynism has kept me from falling into the deep pit of despair a lot of times. You can't cry if you are laughing (well, you can but the saying is "laugh or cry")

The thing with the motivational quote in regards to failure is that I do think there is some merit to the saying. If you try something you have never done before there is a chance that you will not be able to do it (aka fail doing it). The problem is not with having failed at something. Learning from what you failed at doing is probably one of the best way to learn how to do something right. Not the only way though, and not always the best, but one of the ways. It is also true (in my humble opinion) that "just because you failed the first time, doesn't mean that you will keep failing".

One of bigger issues is when there is a switch in wording from "I have failed" to "I am a failure". It's a pretty common word play - at least based on the stories I hear at work, and the fears I hear vocalized from people I interact with. That the failure of doing R means that you are defined by R and now you are a failure. And that the failure is in everything, or at least in more things that one thing you initially failed at.

Personally, I have faced this particular piece of thinking a couple of times in my life so far (no surprise here). Maybe that is why I am so good at explaining it to others, yet failing a few key times with myself - no one is perfect...

Most recently I found myself talking to a friend who was walking in a circle around this particular argument. They have failed at something, something that a lot of people do and succeed with, and now they feel that they are a failure. That this something defines them and they keep thinking that success in general would mean no set backs and no failures - ever.

I saw a tweet a few months back in regards to people asking PIs to post their "failure CV" as in stating "applied for and got rejected for 5 R01s", "applied for 48 jobs before landing this one perfect job". While I like the idea, to be able to acknowledge that life isn't a full line of (easy or hard) successes, I can't help but think this is part of the issue that makes it even more difficult to not look at oneself as a failure.

Why? Because there are people who will never succeed with their dreams of getting an R01. They will not have the time to keep trying over and over. Like a lot of us knows, there's a finite time frame for most TT and if you haven't succeeded with an R01 by then, then you are out. Same with people who want to become actresses,  writers, partners, grandparents, truckers or anything else that people dream about. Very select few can keep trying the same thing over and over again to wait for that one time of success. This doesn't mean that everyone who does not succeed with what they set out to do are failures. Not failures as people, nor failures in general. I know that there are people who would say "but you shouldn't shy away from accepting that there is failure in life and that means that you failed". I don't. I shy away from defining it as "they are a failure".

There are a lot of failures in the world, I know. But there is something special to attribute the word "failure" to a person. A ship can be a failure (think Titanic). A plane can be a failure (think 737 Max8). Dinner was a failure (everything burns and is undercooked at the same time). However, Person P isn't a failure if they failed getting into grad school. They failed at getting into grad school.

To me that is a very important difference that bears reminding. We are more than a failure or a success story. We are the sum of all our failures and successes and it's not like math where the pluses and minuses add up since we are not math, we are people. People with experiences to live through, and learn from. And there are so many experiences in a life time.

back in the saddle & planning new posts

It's like that saying "when you fall off the horse, you just get up in the saddle right away again". Why? Because you need to do it quickly to not overthink and over feel the scared feeling of falling. I should remember that. After all, I fell off horses a lot while training equestrian vaulting back in my youth and got back up again every time.

And still, more than three months since I wrote something here. Even more months since I opened my journal and wrote a longer piece.

I got a little wake up call a few weeks ago when I pulled a few 50+ hour work weeks, woke up at 5 am without an alarm even though I didn't go to bed until midnight and kept running around feeling wide eyed and having a cry at work.... Then I went on vacation and enjoyed no telephone, internet or work emails for a few days, plus hanging out at sea and in nature in the now so to speak.

Part of my "after vacation resolution" is to get better at doing things that keep me both mentally and physically in shape. The usual; sleeping, eating, working out, not over working, hanging out with friends, talking walks outside during work days and weekends. But also; reading physical books, writing blog posts and having time to do my side project (another sort of writing).

Since it has been a week since this "new regime" started; I have worked out every day (maybe not as long as I had dreamt about but 30 min is a good start), I have slept 7 hours every night and I have eaten porridge for breakfast every day - I have yet to attack the reading a book or writing a blog post, so here is it....

Life has been, I guess life? The last few years have had some struggles, maybe early midlife crisis ("what should I do with my life?") and some set backs in the dream department. There is nothing I would like to dwell in right now, considering this is my "back in the saddle, which should be short and sweet, bringing a happy feeling without dread for next time" blog post.

I have gotten increasing number and sizes of projects at work, and some of these have not been easy navigating. It's difficult for everyone working with unrealistic expectations in delivery when you look at the resources being offered and the time line to fix in under. Needless to say I've been repeating a lot "the best we can do with the allocated resources and the given time constraints" rather than "the best you can". The latter phrase usually leads to some Type A people working overtime and getting stressed since you know that "you can do better" and "it shouldn't just be good enough".

With that nugget/wisdom/pep talk/detailed focused nit picky comment, I leave you with a few areas that I am working on for the next blog posts during this year. If you want to make a comment/wish on which one to go first, please let me know.

1. Good team work is constant communication and support
2. Work-life balance in the time of "if you love what you do, it's not work"
3. Stories from the US South as a Northern European woman - the differences, the similarities and the exotic craze - nuggets like bbq, heat vs freezing, feminism, church, seer sucker vs tight fitting dark wash jeans, craft breweries, biking to work and living together without being married.
4. Science lab dynamics, the team sport like hockey
5. "I have a PhD, this job is beneath me"
6. Negotiation and diplomacy, best when coming from equal footing?
7. Are you spending your time on the right things, or the things you want to be right?
8. Setting expectations, an important part of delivering success
9. Conflict between the wet and the dry lab sides
10. Correct salutations - half the win when working with new people
11. Pit falls to avoid when starting in a new team with a new project - no presumptions

The Year is over - Happy New Year 2019!

Some photos that summarize my year - a few of the moments I cherish in my memories.

I'll write more in the beginning of the new year! See you on the other side :)

A silver lining

It's holiday time and it's not the easiest season for some of us. There's a lot of feeling in the air of "finishing up the year" and "how behind am I and I'm supposed to take off in the middle of it?". It's been too many long days and working late, and then the early morning wake up calls on wondering just a little on "why am I doing this?".

Well, every so often there comes that one moment when I realize why I do what I do. And why I feel that I try to make a difference. And that it is worth it. This week had one of those moments.

Part of my job is to handle a program where we share information and biological samples with academic researchers. If anyone wants something, they send me an email. This email address is spread around through PR campaigns and through websites. It also helps that my place of work is not unknown. One morning I saw an email from a parent, who has a child with a very rare serious disease. They were asking for help and wanted to get information on how to best treat their child. It's not the norm that non-researchers use the email. It's not for the public. However, it doesn't mean it's not answered. I reached out to the MDs and asked if they had any suggestions. Their response "we will take it from here, thank you!".

It may sound small. It may even sound like it didn't have much to do with me and my actions. But knowing that I was part of building this program, and running it everyday, being able to give a helping hand, to give some hope and connect people - that's a huge part of why I do what I do. Those moments, while they seem small, are what makes it worth it. Because while they might seem small, they are by no means insignificant. Rare diseases, and especially in children, are exactly that - rare. And if ever there was a time the saying "it takes a village" is appropriate - to me it is that time.

Being able to share information, treatments and unpublished results to help better and to make more understanding - that's something that is near and dear to my heart.

It was exactly the reminder that I needed at this time. When the world is going nuts with commercial shopping and unnecessary plastic gifts, the reality of what really matters is good to realize. That small moments of hope and action can make a huge difference in the course of a life.

marathon training, self esteem and confidence

Back in May I decided that this year was the time when I was going to run my first marathon. I grew up in a family where both my parents were runners. My mom sometimes used the way to/from work to jog her long runs. My dad ran marathons, the first when I was around 6 years old. My brother has run one as well. As we are a fairly competitive bunch, I started really feeling that I should do that when my brother ran his.

That said, I've never been the runner of the family. But I have been jogging since I was at university. I've been the slowest one in my family pretty much all the time. And I've been the chunkiest one. And I've been aware of this all the time but still kept going with a thought "at least I'm still doing it".

Move on to a few years back when I decided to challenge myself and the perception that maybe, if I was a slow jogger, I would gain some traction if I extended my distances? What I lack in speed, I make up in consistency and perseverance? So I signed up for my first half-marathon. It seemed like a good enough distance to be far enough that you have to train for it, and short enough it doesn't break the bank on completely committed and crazy.

My first half-marathon solidified my feeling that while I'm not in the group of "fast runners", I'm not last. None of this should matter of course. But this is part of the story of why I am and have had some issues with running groups and "sharing" with people.

You see, one of the biggest thing with runners is chasing time. You want to do a PR. You should want to be faster and beat this and that. And as a competitive person, I sure did that a lot when I started. I trained to be faster. I wanted to improve my PR. Every time out was an opportunity to go for max and it felt good to be exhausted in the end.

Then came an injury. I ignored it pretty well, and managed to run a half setting a PR while doing it. And then was 6 months of having pain, issues to walk and sit. And for sure not running or working out. After that I decided to take a little bit of a check on myself. Realizing that I'm older and maybe not in such a good shape that I should go for gold every single time but think about "how should I work out so I can keep doing this the rest of my life". Learning to listen to my body a little more. And trying to incorporate a little bit of calm into my workout routine.

So I started running without music. To force myself to be out in nature, running and being aware of my head, my breathing and taking a break from the rush rush, and finding a different feeling of running. I listen to pod casts at many of my longer runs nowadays. Like a companion but still able to choose when a few miles are just you and your thoughts. A few weeks ago I started running with a metronome to keep focusing on my cadence. That brought me back to my old times as a swimmer. Counting strokes, focusing on form, doing lap after lap. It's similar to the boxing bag and repeating punching series. And of course, the most obvious, playing scales with the flute. All of these repetitive things that makes me relaxed, yet focused and able to really tap into that strength and clear my mind and body.

Anyway, this was supposed to be about the marathon and what the training experience has given me so far.

It was a challenge at work to sign up, the company wanted to see x number of employees run the full marathon. And I thought, if not this year, when? and signed up. We got a little ribbon to put on our work badge, "to recognize each other and for others to see us".  I didn't want to put on my ribbon, I'm not much for telling people private things and this marathon was a private thing. Sometime later in the summer one of the reps ran into me on campus and asked "why aren't you wearing the ribbon?". I mentioned that I wasn't comfortable with it, at this point I hadn't told anyone I was training for a marathon, it was my goal, my idea and my time.

The rep started to tell me "it's an accountability thing, if you tell people you will not back out but you will run". I explained, as nicely as I could, that I don't function that way since so far if I sign up for something and say I will do it, I will. It's not about outside pressure to do it (sometimes it's actually just the opposite). Anyway, the rep continued to say "it's a leadership quality, to show that you are willing to do something that you have never done before (run a marathon/and in my case put on a badge and 'brag' at work)". I told them I would think about it, and waited for the feeling that it would be ok to have he ribbon on, to be "visible" and to "brag" about something.

You see, there's a lot of self esteem things riding on this "being a runner". And then there is a lot of questions about time. "how fast are you aiming to run the marathon?" (answer: First one I'm aiming to finish, no time thought).

The one thing I can say after doing this training for 5 months, it takes time. And a lot of people are focused on time, as in speed. I'm trying to plod along. Trying to feel good about the fact that I'm logging miles, regardless of the speed. I started training in the summer. That means a lot of runs in 90F/34C weather. I've grown to be quite ok with going out and doing it in those conditions. Am I fast? Nope. Do I like running in heat? Not really but I've grown to appreciate it more and more. Do I do it and feel better afterwards? Yes.

And this brings us to the reason that I'm ranting away on this post right now. I mentioned earlier that I have run half-marathons before. The longest I have run before starting this training for the marathon has been 13.34 miles (last half-marathon race). I was a little bit nervous, yet excited, to run further. My first longer run than that happened to be in the afternoon a sunny hot day and I was scheduled to do 15.5miles. It was not a great choice, it was really sunny and hot. I didn't feel great about it, but I did it and then came a lot of doubt. "Can I really do a full, those 15 miles were abysmal".

Well, next weekend rolled around and according to my schedule it was time for a 16 mile run. I woke up earlier in the morning and went out and did the training. It was a cool, crisp morning with clouds and no shining sun. And when I finished I felt spectacular. Not just my body (legs were tired obviously) but the feeling in my mind and the self esteem was back. "well, perhaps I can do this!"

So, I kept plodding away with my schedule. And soon came the longest distance I should run before the race; 19 miles. (Side note, I need to point out that a lot of people who train for marathons don't run the full course before the actual race. This is especially true if you are slower since after a certain number of hours, your body doesn't build up but rather breaks down. And also, the experienced people keep saying that if you can do 19-22miles/30-36km, you can do 26 miles/42km since the last part is perseverance, mental and correct hydration/energy planning.) To say I was nervous would be true. I was a little scared that I would hurt myself (5 months of training down the drain) and curious on how I would feel coming into those 17, 18 miles.... Needless to say it wasn't as bad as I dreaded it, but wasn't flawless. But the real joy came afterwards when I updated my friends on the progress and none of them asked for my time but focused on "how did it feel".

It's probably fairly obvious that while I'm saying that "everyone else" is focused on time, the one who focuses the most on it is me. Well, I'm a work in progress and not really over the fixation yet. For now though, I'll take the happy feeling that I am 3/4 on the way to my race distance wise. And that after this weekend coming up I am in tapering mode and will not have to do over 10 miles. I will need to keep the focus and keep training and really starting the thing I deep down dread the most; early morning runs in the dark. Why? Because the race is in the morning and my body is not a great morning body.

To sum this post up; I am happy to have found that the marathon training have helped me deal with my self esteem issues and move forward, maybe not in the way that I thought it would when I started - that's an added bonus. And that nothing matters as much as "routine" since "doing something" is better than "doing nothing". Fingers crossed for me keeping the mental happiness through the big race!