Wordless Wednesday (OK, I might have a small problem...*)

(*too many shirts in my closet... or teams... but at least one of these was the end result of a bet... guess which :) not a fave of mine.... And the other one was just to try and adapt to being in the South... not one of my team(s) ;) the beer though, a must while watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs! My heart belongs to Canada! ... when it comes to NHL teams anyway... :D )

"I only read 5 books last week"*

"Predicting one's chances of developing a genetic condition, is like finding a penny in the ocean."

To quote Dr Reed, the prodigy doctor in the TV series Criminal Minds. He is scared that he will fall into his mother's condition, schizophrenia, and as he is in his mid20ies where the schizophrenic breaks usually happen he is starting to get anxious since it's nothing he can really do about it apart from wait... and hope it doesn't happen.

The idea that you know that you might fall into a place where your mind isn't your friend, that you might see or hear things that aren't real - but you can't discern which are and which are not.... and all you can do is live your life and wait for the years to pass and then maybe never have that break... not the most pleasant time, rather positively atrocious.

A friend of mine experienced his break at a foreign airport when he was 21. Not the best place maybe (if there really is a good place?). Although it did mean that he got under medical supervision fairly fast and could get properly diagnosed. We talked about it when he got back home. The feeling of not understanding what happens and all of a sudden having the intense feeling everyone is watching you, making snide remarks and not even knowing who is there for real and what you are imagining. He went on medication and for a few years he was fine. Then he decided (like many people who are feeling well while on medication) that he was cured and didn't need the pills anymore. (They had some pretty large side effects and he felt odd, out of place with them among other things.) Quitting cold turkey might be the worst thing you can do.... most medications need a weaning time... but at the time, I guess he didn't consider that part of it all. Or maybe just didn't care?

I wish there would be a good ending to this story, but this does not have that. His hallucinations told him he was useless and no good, that his family and friends would be better off if he wasn't there since he made us sad and disappointed in him. I once told him that I'd be ecstatic to move into his brain and fight those worthless, evil hallucinations out for good. Of course, I couldn't. Nor could he. I just wish that I could tell him that it's certainly not happier when he's not around, and that he is missed more than he ever thought.

The TV episode caught me a bit by surprise but I'd think my subconscious kept track of time better than I would have thought... Some anniversaries I would have hoped never to have to experience.

*Dr Reed states this as an indication that he is feeling out of wack since it's such a small number of books for him... and I thought it was one of those quirky and cute comments that some people say when they do not necessarily see why the statement is absolutely odd to others. I mean, I'd be happy to have finished 5 books last week... alas, I haven't had the time to read more than two...

Wordless Wednesday (OK, some short words)

The two shirts I think I might be wearing come May :) The first one is more than 10 years old....

wordless Wednesday (a little later)

(I know, it's Thursday Friday but it is in the spirit...)

Update: it's Friday :) just didn't realise it was after midnight when I posted it.....

When a doctor goes to the doctor

(or rather “when this PhD goes to see an MD”)

It’s always interesting to me that I might be one of those patients. When I say “might” I honestly mean “am”. And "those patients", well you know what I mean... Luckily for me my general physician is a very nice woman, whom I’ve met in my professional occupation too so she knows what I do/did for a living and my area of expertise. This might help a little when it comes to my behaviour in her office, or so I certainly hope anyway.

First time she saw me I had a swollen throat and hadn’t been able to eat for two days… I also had a fever that made her wonder how I drove there (probably shouldn’t have done that though but at the time I wasn't thinking too clearly, duh) and when I explained that I wasn’t sure it was a bacterial infection and therefore didn’t see the reason of going to the doctor she just laughed and called me stubborn. (Well, that’s not a news flash really.) Then she gave me a wonder shot (aka cocktail) that I would’ve never gotten back in home country (“just go home and wait it out”) and sent me to bed for a few days. I got well and could eat the day after the shot. Sometimes I love steroids.

Anyhow, we’ve ‘known’ each other for a few years now and she knows that I am not a fan of going to the doctor; not even for regular check-ups when nothing indicates wrongness, even if she is really nice. This last time I went though, made me cringe on how bad a patient I am, and that she really is very good with stubborn, self-diagnosed people who are aware that something’s off and that they probably should’ve gone in to say hi awhile back yet still avoid the whole thing playing ostrich…

I tried to avoid it by hashing out some minor thoughts and concerns to a friend of mine who happens to be an MD, and she’d given me some ideas and suggestions for alternative things to take, e.g. drug X might not get me as many side effects as the generic drug C I had tried for a bit. Ok, I remembered her suggestions when I was at the grocery store the other month and walked up to the pharmacy section to look for my drug X in the rows of drugs… no luck. Hm, I thought, "maybe it is like those other drugs that you can buy [without a prescription] over the counter but you have to ask the pharmacist about them since you can make meth of them?" Said and done. Me walking up to the counter, looking at the three sweet young women behind it.

Me: “Hi, I was wondering if you have Drug X?”

Pharmacist 1: Yes, we do.

Me: “ok, I’d like the smallest box of them then please”

Pharmacist 1 looks at P2 and 3, slightly odd look on her face.

Me thinking "why isn’t she just giving me the drug? Smallest dose can't hurt, right?"

P2: Well maam, do you have a prescription?

Me: What? Eh no, the doctor told me to try drug x since I feel very strange on drug c. [Somewhere here I should've realised that I was going in the wrong direction... and I didn’t feel comfortable telling that it wasn’t “my” doctor but a doctor – since I started to sense something was off with the whole idea.]

P2: You’ve gone to the doctor but she didn’t write you a prescription?

Me: ehh... No. She told me that maybe drug X would work better for me and that I should try that.

P3: You need a prescription for that.

Me: (thinking out loud about the conversation I had with my friend) But she didn’t tell me that…. [thinking about my friend and wondering why she would suggest a drug that she knows is a prescription drug…]

By this time, I noted that all three of them are looking at me like I am was trying to sell them a story that was very unbelievable. If I wasn’t me, I’d probably think that I was either a bit slow, or just plain desperate for the stuff. All of a sudden I realized that they thought I was trying to score this drug… and that it is indeed probably one of the common ones to abuse as a prescription drug. Enter slight panicky mode for this particular PhD.

Me: never mind, I’m sorry to bother. (quick exit and walked away..)

I know that they stared at me all the way to the check out with my groceries. And I know that it was partly because I stated blushing once I realized that I must have looked like someone trying to find their dope. Needless to say, I did tell my friend that next time she suggests treatments/drugs I would be happy if she’d let me know if it is a over the counter one or a prescription one so we can avoid me looking like a dope head. Duh.

So, I had to go to the real physician…

I started explaining what I would call “symptoms” and described some occurrences the last couple of months (it “should’ve solved itself”) and the more I told, the more I realized how silly I’ve been. Ended with a sheepish smile and nervous laugh while she looked and said “so, you think it is what?”. And after I mentioned what I thought she leaned forward and looked at me “I agree with your self-diagnose and have these options for you. Which do you think is better?”. Needless to say, I had already done some research, knew a few of the drawbacks of some of the things and mostly (being the “it will heal itself soon enough/sticking the head in the sand” kind of person that I am) knowing the side effects (even the very odd and few ones)….

So, I wasn’t thrilled with noting that my body said “side effect” the first few days of my treatment. I am however, bright enough to know that it might be me being over sensitive to my reactions and not really the drug.  Me? Hypochondriac? Not liking to take drugs? Nahhhh. Then again, I have a hard time forgetting her sweet smile and face when she said ”you know, sleep deprivation is a form of torture so it’s not uncommon to feel insane after a long period of sleeplessness”. Did I mention that I like her a lot?!