"It's just a routine test"

It's one of those things I've covered once or twice before in this blog, I'm a lousy patient. I've had conversations with my physician (my old one before I got swapped to my new one) why I hadn't done a pap smear last five years even thought I am a microbiologist and should know about HPV. (My less than popular answer was that I didn't have the energy to deal with if I had cancer anyway so why look for it? Yeah, I know, I've grown up a little since.) We talked about that I have a head turned on for "worst case scenario" so therefore my stress level between taking the sample and waiting for the result is so large that I avoid them altogether. 

This is also why I book my next check up time with the dentist before I leave my appointment (yes, even if it is 6 months out) because I will probably avoid making that call otherwise. I find opportunities to not get the choice of avoiding things like yearly checkups since I find it embarrassing to cancel pre-booked appointments. What can I say? I'm a simple woman.

Of course, when you end up with a routine test and you are the fool asking the nurse in the middle of the test "it looks ok, right?", and they look at you and say "we can't really say anything in the middle of the test, the doctor will follow up with you in a call later today" that's when you know that things are not "normal". And that starts all the alternatives running around in your head. So when the call came and it was to schedule a meeting to discuss surgery, well - at least I was prepared.

What I wasn't prepared on was my head not stopping running after it was all said, done and path reports said "all clear". I mean one could think that I wouldn't make it a bigger deal than it was? Routine test, leading to finding, leader to removal of bad thing, all clear nothing to think about. After all, I'm a grown woman and I work close enough to real catastrophes (pediatrics) so I really shouldn't be this sensitive*.

It is though, something that has made me very tired the last couple of weeks. I have found myself gazing retrospectively and staying awake for too long at night. I need to get over it and move on. Now, how about that application for taking that specific certification......

(I'm all fine. It was a smaller thing that needed to be removed and it is now fine. I was happy it was taken care of very fast so I didn't have to be worried for longer. It's just been hard since I didn't want to talk about it with my family or my friends before the procedure and there's nothing to say now since everything was fine.)

*it's the feeling that I am not in control of my body. that it betrayed me since I rely on it being ok. Not to mention the fact that I couldn't fix this on my own. It wasn't like an ingrown toenail or an infected bite. I'll deal with that like a champ.

team work and trust

If you work in a team, you probably know how wonderful it can be when everyone is in sync and the team moves along in cohesiveness. It might be more likely that you have experienced a team where people are working together, however not in total sync but at least going towards the same goal. And then of course, there is the likelihood that you have been in a team where it is more like "I thought we were a team, what's all this strife about".

The first thing to get a team functional is to build trust between the members. Only then can you get a team feeling and move forward. As an example, if you look on this picture and remember that a lot of teams stay in the forming and storming parts, sometimes moving into norming for a bit since it's scary. The performing stage is, once you get there, excellent fun. However, I will say that it is pretty difficult to get there. Impossible if you don't work on the relationships within the team to make everyone an equally important part where they feel appreciated and seen.

I'll expand on this in another blog post since I feel strongly about this area and have some insights on how to deal with dysfunctional teams... It's been a long, hot summer and I am ready for a nice, cooler fall to come along.

what happens after conference

Going away on conferences has always been something I like. Even as an introvert. Maybe just because I'm an introvert? Maybe because I've not gone to too many a year, never having to share rooms, not usually going with coworkers, always having some opportunities to go aside alone.

I love learning new things. Seeing things in a different light. And it is an opportunity for me to play pretend. Or to see how people - who don't work with me everyday - see me and the work I do. To gage how much I'm worth on the job market. Sometimes even, in a galaxy far far away, to see my value on another market as well.

Oh yes, the introvert idea. The contradicting idea that I as an introvert like being in a crowd, networking with people, going to poster sessions and then later relax in my hotel room - alone. Waking up in the morning, going for a run (alone) and then eating breakfast (alone) and collecting my thoughts and feelings. During the day, I can network, go to talks, think a lot and see loops where I normally don't have the time to do it, and ignore regular day-to-day guilt feelings. Like a small vacation away from home and work, even when working in a conference.

Of course, coming back after a conference can be quite the trip. Noticing the work group being different (did they work better without me?), catching up on all the "regular life stuff" (catching up with family), and most importantly of all - sleep and recovering. Having at least one day or weekend where there is recharging time. And working through the feelings and thoughts that have awoken in the "in between time" at the trip.

Then going back to work and se if there is a chance to implement all the new knowledge and feelings.