"No, not pregnant, just fat" - World Childless Week 2022

It seems like yesterday, to be fair it was only a few weeks ago (again), when I was asked if I was pregnant. It was in context of a book I'd purchased so it wasn't to do with my body shape per se, but it's not the first time I've been asked. Granted, I thought this would be a thing of years past. Since I'm now of an age where I personally don't think anyone should ask if I'm pregnant. (Not that there really is a good time for anyone to ask anyone if their pregnant but still.... )

When people ask nowadays if I have children I choose between answering
a) no
b) no, unfortunately not
c) no, that didn't work out
d) I would've loved to but that didn't happen

depending on the situation. Years ago I would've said "no" and nothing else. 

Possibly, I'm now more tired of the presumption that I'm childless since I chose to be childless which is why option b-d is more likely in conversations. Although that opens up for the comments like "aww, have you thought of IVF?" or "there's so many options of having a family today" or "have you considered adoption?". And depending on my mood, if I'm inclined to answer these - coming from a good place yet not the best to say most of the time- statements.

Then again, I'd be the first to acknowledge the journey this have been and how it's evolved in regards to sadness, denial, agony, helplessness, bitterness, envy, hopelessness, resignation, bargaining, acceptance and other feelings that arise when the world, hope&dreams and you are not in alignment.

If there is anything I would like people to consider and know re this topic? 

That IVF isn't the end all solution to childless people. I know that the feeling of many is that IVF is successful. Yet, there is a lot of people and cases who don't succeed with a live baby in the end of an IVF cycle. And with a lot of people, I mean less than 25% are successful. And that is without factoring in age factors. So, not a panacea for all the childless hoping people.

Regardless of my IVF comment above, main issue for me with childlessness is that it's something that is complex and deeply personal. Also probably something that the average person doesn't talk about too much (even though the percentage of people having children is decreasing) since it is complicated and have a lot of feelings involved.

Anyhooo.... this week is World Childless Week and you can find the program here: https://worldchildlessweek.net/

World Childless Week Sep 14th-20th

From the website: 
"World Childless Week aims to raise awareness of the childless not by choice (cnbc) community. To help the community to find support groups that understand their grief and can help them move forwards to acceptance. It's for anyone who is childless despite their longing to be a parent because they have never been pregnant (for any reason), not carried full term or have suffered the sadness of a baby born sleeping. All our Champions and founder Steph, represent our audience. 

We are here for you through the year, we get louder in September"

Starting Monday is "World Childless Week" and I recommend anyone interested to click on the link here and go explore the community. There will be daily different topics and posts on the subject, and daily webinars.

Overall, the numbers of people who are childless might surprise you - depending on where you are in your life and who you are friends with. At the moment, on average 1 in 5 women reach midlife (45 years old) without any children. In Germany it's as much as 1 in 3. There's a choice of words when it comes to talking about "being without children" and that I like to bring up since it gives a little more nuance to the concept.

• Some are childless by choice (childfree) - implying that it is voluntary and by choice
• Some are childless by infertility - tried to have children but didn't succeed either on their own with a partner or with IVF/fertility treatment
• Some are childless by circumstance - the group that is considered to be the biggest one, and for which there is no "explanation" or rather a quite long list of potential options ranging from "never met someone with whom to have children" to "being with someone who didn't want children and then break off that relationship and then being too old" or other options. If you are interested, there is a list "50 ways not to be a Mother" in the book "Living the life unexpected" by Jody Day found here

For many of us who aren't in the childless by choice category I would say that there are a lot of times when it feels like you are the one who needs to put on a brave face and a smile - and often ignore all the "oh so private commentary regarding my choice or not" that comes along after the question; "do you have children?" has been uttered. 

(I usually say "No, unfortunately not" as I'm tired of hearing "oh, you decided to go have a career instead" or other rationalizations that have been thrown in my face too many times.)

Personally, I would say that some of the comments that I find the most demeaning have to do with parents stating - and often times this happens in work settings, leadership classes or other discussion groups - that "once you have children you realize how important it is to care for others" or "once you have children you become a an adult since you have to take care of someone else" and other short phrases that are thrown around to stated that "they didn't become an adult until they became a parent - however that might not be the universal truth"....

Anyway, I am not going into the Four Yorkshiremen territory (Monty Python) but if something, I would like all you parents and couples who haven't started trying for a baby yet - please consider that not everything in life plays out as one would've wished. And that there might not be a "simple explanation". Or even an explanation at all. That "just have a baby" might not be as straight forward as "boy meets girl, boy and girl have sex, girl gets pregnant, boy and girl have a healthy baby".

It's more talked about today, and maybe even within some sports communities like NHL where a few hockey players the last couple of years have been very honest and vocal about their miscarriages and baby tragedies. If nothing else, the sheer number of how common it is for a detected pregnancy to not proceed and reach week 22 or even later (miscarriage/still birth), is one of the things I wish I would've known earlier and would have been discussed in sex ed in high school. 

Or that it isn't a "simple as something wrong with the woman leading to issues" or other old stories from historic times where fertility is very much linked with male success and female definition of being a real woman = motherhood. That dinner party with my close women friends where it turned out that 75% had had one miscarriage....

As always, it's easy to see the world through one's own lens. All we can do is hope that a lot of us remember that everyone is embarked on a different journey through life, and that with humbleness, friendship and caring for others - we can find friends we didn't knew we had or learn new views from. And communities that support us through different times and obstacles that we might not have thought we would encounter when we started out life journey.

Be kind to each other.

(my post from last year can be found here)

TLDR; remember situation today was intentionally created

TLRD (too long, didn't read) is a great acronym for when things get carried away in explanations and then in the end of a long rant you want to make it easier to grasp "what is it I wanted to say".

I really had planned writing about #covid19 and how international travel has made me be very tired lately.

However, as with best laid plans, they aren't where you end up. I'll write about the covid19 things later. For tonight I feel that I want to clarify something that's been eating me up when listening and being asked to comment on current situation in the USA.

As an immigrant in the USA, living for over 13 years in the South of USA, I feel that I have gathered a lot of information and insight into things that I barely grasped when moving.

I grew up in an intellectual family in Sweden. Lots of reading, lots of politics, lots of knowledge of history. My formative years were times discussing South Africa (apartheid), the Palestine-Israel conflict, USA in Vietnam, colonial powers in general (France and Algeria for example) and Chilean (really several South American countries) dictatorship. I thought I had grasped quite a lot as a protected white native Swede. As one does when reading and meeting a lot of people and discussing on a theoretical level.

However, as usual, when living in the place where things happen - you grasp a different angle. You are forced to encounter situations that you never thought would happen (especially not when you perceive yourself as "knowing"). And most of all, you learn to be humble to a degree that is leaving you with only a few choices. One of them is "I will listen to and accept the reality that these people describe to me is their reality".

And that's what happened when I moved to the South.

I realized after half a year living in the South that something was off. What? Well, at starters I didn't - at the time - feel that my reality was that different from living in Sweden. (In hindsight, which is as we all know 20/20, that's a given red flag that something is strange..... ) My city where I lived was demographically very different from the Sweden city I grew up in.

To make it easy; my home city was easily 90% white, my new city was over 60% African-American. Despite this, the bars and restaurants (and church and work) where I hung out were probably at least 80% white. Or at least "as similar to my home town that I didn't feel that it was too different".

This gave me pause and made me question a few things. Mainly where I was hanging out, why this was and if there was something else on how this was happening.

(side note; it was like this partly because at the time I hung out with other white immigrants at the places they showed me, and then some other places where "middle-class/affluent" people frequented.)

After a few more years in the South I had gathered anecdotal evidence that I'm "passing as an American, specifically a white American woman" and that this fact opened a lot of doors for me. Note, the doors that opened were also where people greeted me as "you're not a real immigrant" since it was perception I spoke English as a native language in my home country Sweden (we speak Swedish), and I am a Christian, and - of course - being white.

However, that's not the point of this blog post. The points of this blog post are to link to a few articles that explain fundamental historical facts that has made the situation we are in today. Where African-Americans and People of Colour (PoC) are more likely to get shot, get arrested, get non-invited for interviews, get looked upon with distrust etc.

It's too long (as I mentioned in the beginning, it's a long story) for me to be succinct.

I mainly want you to know one fact I've learned after all this time living in the South.

It's intentional politics that have gotten us where we are. It's intentional to hinder non-whites and non-wanted people from voting. From owning their own homes. From having the thriving neighborhoods that once were. From excluding a lot of the history about this from schools and public education. (Like the fact that schools in Oklahoma didn't include the Tulsa Massacre in 1921 in the public school curriculum until this fall in 2020 (and who knows how that will happen now with covid).)

The reconstruction after the civil war, the backlash, the Jim Crow laws and the Civil Rights Movement and voting rights. And that are the voting rights that are hot contested in the USA today. It's not like in Sweden, and other EU countries, where you are automatically registered to vote on your 18th birthday - no action required. Nope, there is a process to get registered to vote, and on top of that the voting day is a regular work day with complications to get time off if you aren't a salaried worker.

And the fact that USA system, while it is a lot based on income and that there are a lot of poor white people as well, is based on a right that was for a very long time classifying a non-white African-American as 3/5 of a person. And that the District of Columbia being classified a district and not a state, therefore not having representation in the House of Representatives, is stemming from the fact that there was only "State representatives from real States, and slaves and servants" living there, and since the State representatives and their aides had voting in their home states - there was no need for the other people to have voting/representation rights.

To me, there is no way to see all these historical facts and not draw the conclusion - this is not "natural" this is a "created, systematical way of excluding people that are not wanted".

At the bottom are some links for further reading. There are many many more. And if you ever come by Memphis - the National Civil Rights Museum is a must. It'll take you more than 3 hours to go through it and you will still learn more things afterwards. There is a lot to take in. And it will not be easy. It is difficult things to see and understand.

Final comment; "If not now, when?" There is no waiting. It will be painful to acknowledge that regardless of your own intention or wanting, if you are white - there is a huge burden to take on and work on making things right and just. Nothing else to say or make excuses. It's something we just have to do. And it starts by listening to other peoples' experiences and acknowledging that there are a lot of things we have to change. Now.

Links to read:
Segregation myth - Richard Rothstein This is a GREAT explanation and video interview of the systematic idea behind suburbs among other things
NY Times 1619 project 
Role of Highways in America - The Atlantic
Highway protests - Facing South
Reconstruction era - black congress members
Breaking up slave families

small filter - maybe slight venting?

I've been drafting these blog posts about "sensitivity and specificity", "difference between antibody test (serotests) and PCR (RT-PCR)" and "timeline of pandemics". They are all still in the works. I got sidetracked though. Not by something fun. Not even by my work, even though I've managed to have two hard deadlines and another coming up within a few days, but by fighting this feeling that "throwing pearls for swine isn't worth it".

Nownow, I know the mistake of the analogy. First off, my blog readers are few and a lot of you I kinda know over the years. So, not "random", and most certainly not appropriate to have an analogy to "swine" as in the saying. For argument sake, let's disregard the saying and move on with the post.

It might just be the notion that writing explanations and trying to make sense of what is going on in the world from a microbiology point of view would be a good idea IF the posts were read in good faith by someone who might learn and even change their way of thinking.

Alas, and here comes the tiredness and the reason for the crude analogy, there's been quite a few interactions with people who go at things in bad faith. And also that they are so firmly lodged in the "other camp" that they have no interest, no semblance of idea, to learn or listen to facts.

And after the latest couple of weeks sharing borders with conspiracy theorist, "freedom seekers" and "God & Trump will protect us and the virus will go away with the heat in June" - I have spent a lot of energy not saying what I think. Not stating rude things. Not making over the top faulty "I want this to be true" signs posting them all over internet or calling people names. (Like they have done.)

Why? Because I was raised to be a behaved person. I was raised to respect and accept other opinions than my views. I was raised that "be above such muck".

However, I was also raised to stand up for what I believe in.
And I was raised to protect the people who couldn't protect themselves.
To think about and consider the people who didn't have a voice in the society.
To NOT only think about myself.
To be alright with having some discomfort IF it meant others were protected and it saved others.
To NOT put myself first all the time but to be humble and considerate of others.
To do the best thing for all of us, not only the best thing for me and mine.

Some of these things have been easier than others the last few months. I won't lie.

"First, do no harm"
I'm not a physician but the sentiment would be something that I was raised considering regardless. Got to be honest though, my experience with bullies - and I'm afraid I have more than I would've liked - is that you can turn the other cheek a lot of times, and not stoop to their level and be the better person.

Sadly (?) though, I would say that there was some experience of an effective way to stop and that was "to stoop at their level" and intimidate back. Threaten as the bully was threatening. Strike a punch and they got scared and thought it wasn't worth it. And to be the bigger person if finding a bully in the younger peer group, bullying the younger ones.

I don't like the experience the violence and threat "solved some bullying". I'm old enough now to see that it works for specific occasions. And that it is situational, like a four year old knows that mommy will be more likely to give the candy in the store if threatened with a full on temper tantrum and screaming and all the noise.

I had some hope that we were above being four year olds as adults. Or that it needed to be "brought to your own family for you to care". I'm now contemplating that a lot. I find myself looking back at my grandmother's teachings of being a lady, while running a secondary commentary in my head "let's go outside and solve this the old fashioned way".

But most of all I have had to fight my thoughts of "maybe, just maybe it's going to have to be really bad for these people to understand the errors of their ways" - also known as Burn it to the ground.  It is a fairly common tactic in war after all (hello Russia in WWII and Germany on their Western front). Main issue is that there are A LOT of collateral damage. And again, the main issue here is that even if that would be a wakeup call for many "good faith" people, it wouldn't mean anything to "bad faith argument people". They see what they want to see. And collateral damage doesn't face them.

That means that the main thing getting hurt from that would be me and the collateral damage, and that wouldn't really help anything now would it?

TLDR: 
Wash your hands.
It's helpful for vulnerable people (and you and others) if we keep social distancing.
Since we don't know everyone, if you are grocery shopping, in a closed space or on a public transportation, please wear a mask to save others like if you have the virus.
IF you feel sick, stay home and don't expose others.
It's the only way vulnerable people (and others like health care workers) will be able to go outside for the foreseeable future.

And also, if you still think this is a hoax - you are fooled by whatever outlet you watch, read or listen to. The virus and the consequences of being sick are real. And we don't even begin to know how being sick has affected people who have recovered.

"let's wish the virus away" and other comments - from a microbiologist

The last couple of weeks (months if you are picky) it's been very clear to me that a lot of people are stating opinions and thoughts in regards to covid-19 that are not based on fact, nor knowledge. As I've been working from home and reading news, tweets, facebook posts and listened to a number of news shows and podcast - I've come to grow increasingly frustrated with a few very obvious limitations in what people really know in regards to viruses and pandemics.

This post is in no way covering all things that I would like to point out. It's mainly a try to state some of the bigger points that have been confused/forgotten/ignored/whathaveyou - in my opinion and knowledge as a trained microbiologist with training in viruses, bacteria and having been an active researcher at the time of the last pandemic (H1N1) where I was part of conferences and guideline preparations on what countries, companies and people could do to prepare for a situation that no one wanted to happen.

1) it's very important to remember that comparing countries - both in regards to "reported cases", "reported fatalities" and "actions suggested and legislation enforced" - are very different and difficult to compare to each other.
Example; one country only reports deaths in hospitals where the person have had a positive test for virus, another counts all deaths in a hospital where a person have been previously tested positive for the virus and people who died in nursing homes having a few symptoms associated with the virus.

2) the actions taken by various countries depend, not only on the way the various government have ability to enforce regulations, but also on when in a pandemic they encounter the virus that is spreading across the globe. If early, complete eradication might be possible, if later in the time line - mitigation might be the only opportunity.

3) reporting "positive tests" as a number on its own is not helpful unless presented in context of "how is testing done" and with numbers of "how many tests have been administrated". This is the long way of saying - know which part of population is being tested, how often and with which test.
Example; one country tests only people going to the hospital with symptoms, another country tests people who go to school regardless of symptoms.

4) as long as there is no vaccine nor treatment that will make an infected person better, there is no other option to stay healthy but not becoming infected. Any infected person will have to beat the infection on their own. Some people benefit from helpful interventions like ventilators, a lot of people don't necessarily get better as much as we would like from these interventions.

5) saying "it will go away" doesn't solve anything. The virus "will go away" when it is no longer present in the population by not having any more susceptible people to infect (either by everyone being immune due to earlier infection or by vaccination) or when we have successful treatments. This also implies that a lot of people will have become infected and either survived (immune) or not survived the infection (died) or a treatment has been found.
Example; very few infectious diseases have "gone away". Even when we have vaccines. They have decreased and for a lot of them they might "flare up" in a smaller part of the population and then we can successfully protect more people so they don't get infected. This is also where viruses are different from bacteria since for many of the infectious bacteria we have found an antibiotic that can treat the cause of infection. For viruses, viral infections, the only known "treatment" is a vaccine which technically is viewed as a prevention, rather than treatment, since you need to be vaccinated before being exposed to the virus and therefore avoid infection.

6) most airborne and droplet spread infections will be hindered by hand washing (the virus will not be present on your hands and therefore not spread when you put your hands in your face), wiping down shared surfaces you touch (with your hands) or by limiting the number of people you meet and talk, cough, hug, kiss or hand off infected stuff to.
Example; someone coughs in a room and droplets end up on a keyboard, you later touch the key board with your hand and then touch your face.... the virus spreads. If the keyboard is wiped down between different users, the virus will be removed/inactivated and the other user will not catch the virus on their hands.

7) masks limit the amount of virus particles you spread and that others spread to you when breathing/coughing. Proper mask handling is key for this to work. Improper mask handling will create a sense of false safety and therefore might increase the spread.

8) regardless of your political affiliation - the virus doesn't care about that - everyone in a society is susceptible to viruses (and other infectious diseases). Virus aren't sentient and therefore per definition "not smart" or "intelligent" or any other wording that's being used.

9) Actually, per strict biological definition a virus isn't alive since it can't replicate on its own. A virus needs to infect a cell to be able to replicate. That's why researchers make a distinction of "being able to replicate" or "infectious doses" and "RNA titers". Of course, this is detail that for much of the current (social and political) discussion isn't really relevant if it's not for the point that a test showing there is RNA present in someone doesn't automatically correlate to that person having a viable virus that can infect and then replicate (it's more likely than not that the virus titer indicates that there is a presence of virus being able to replicate - especially for this covid19 bullet point list that I'm writing here). For the sake of 99% of the conversation about covid19 though, this point is not key relevant since it's the weeds and details that many researchers take into consideration (mainly super important for the discussion of tests and their sensitivity and false negatives and false positives - see point 10).

10) the general understanding of what constitutes a "validated and confirmed biological test used in hospital setting/for medical purposes" is low. There are a lot of details going into validating a test. Two of the most important factors are sensitivity and specificity. The test needs to be specific enough to only pick up specific factors from the virus (microbe) in question to be positive. The test also needs to be sensitive enough to pick up factors even when in small quantities. There are more factors that are important but in general, I'd say these two factors are key when discussing "false negatives and false positives".
Example: currently there are a lot of antibody tests being deployed all over the world to investigate and confirm how many people have really been infected by SARS-CoV-2 (the virus that causes covid19). The antibody test need to be specific enough to ONLY give positive to people who have been infected by SARS-CoV-2 and not any other virus around. It also needs to be clear how sensitive it is - as in "how many antibodies/what level of immune response" will the test detect. This latter part is complicated since it's not known what kind of threshold is needed to be protected for future exposure nor what kind of immune response various individuals have had if they've been symptomatic or asymptomatic. (see, I'm in the weeds now... lots of details on the background on validation of these tests.)

11) microbiology, epidemiology and public health are specific areas of expertise where there are a lot of facts and previously collected knowledge that are helpful when determining what to do, when and how. There is a difference between non trained people and trained people in regards of this knowledge.

12) no situation is being helped by panic. Many situations involving "unknowns" and "large amount of people potentially afflicted" create panic reactions and knee jerk responses at the time they happen. This is why it's important to have a plan before a bad situation happens since then there is less second guessing or panic reactions but rather "following a plan previously vetted and laid out". Most health care workers have been trained in planned responses, so that when "panic situations" arise, the trained people don't panic but rather adapt well to the planned response and go through the situations many of us untrained people wouldn't handle as well. Trust well trained workers.

I'll stop here since I don't want to overthink or write more at this time. It's my vent and my thoughts and feelings. And hopefully someone who reads this will find it helpful. It was helpful for me to write it down. And possibly I'll make a blog post regarding number 10 - Validation of biological tests - later since I've created test validations under FDA (21 CFR part 11) and EU equivalent from EMA (EU Annex 11) requirements.

WFH - or "being at home trying to work when crisis going on"?

It's been four weeks for me being at home and not being allowed to go to "campus" (my office). so officially I'm "Working From Home" - WFH.

One of the things that I've been dealing with is the fact that I was SO proud I never got a proper organized work from home station organized at home. (I'll have a disclaimer here - since I'm a "straight A person" this has been stressful. Don't get me wrong, last few years in my job I've worked "being off campus/off hours on weekends" but it's always been my work laptop on my dining table, for a selective period of hours.) It has NOT been in what I call "my room" where I do crafts, write my blog posts, skype with my parents on the weekends, write my short stories - in short; where I do my hobbies and feel like I'm in my personal space (as an introvert).

It's been a temporary space when I pen my laptop on the dining table in the mornings or perhaps the few days I've been at home the entire day working but not going into the office)l.

Now?

Well, sorry sweethearts. My "hobby/relaxing/lovely 'my' room" is turned into "my office". I have my work monitor, a set up with the keyboard, headphones and all the work papers and books that I brought with me from work with special approval. On one level I understand that I should feel grateful that I not only can work from home, and also that we have a full extra room that I can call "my room" - another part of me was very annoyed that "my" room is no longer "my" room rather than "my work room". It might not be an issue for a lot of people, but for me - it's clearly a new thing, and something I have needed to take some time adapting and accepting.

It's similar to what a colleague of mine mentioned last week. They talked to me about issues that have come up with employees who have a though time adapting to working from home - mainly since they are lab workers and do lots of lab work - with out lab, what do they do? And that they are fortunate to get a pay check anyways (my work place is paying everyone so far, no furloughs of full time employees, regardless of "being able to do work from home or not").

For me I've mainly been dealing with the idea that I could technically work at least 12 hours a day, every day. There's a lot of things I need to do that's only me doing and once I'm done, we are done. So, part of my anxiety is to focus on that I "will not" do the work in 3 days, but I will do it in 4 days since I'm working 8 hours a day from home.

Trust me, it's not that easy and clear cut for a slightly over-working, over-achieving type A personality like myself.

Another way of looking at this situation - especially when talking to colleagues who are at home with children and therefore feel guilty that they aren't doing great in either place, their younger kids are upset "mommy/daddy doesn't play with me", nor that they get enough done at work - is looking at it slightly differently.

It's not "working from home" as we usually know it. It's "being at home and trying to work in a crisis". Sometimes giving the right frame to a picture makes you see the details in a clearer light and giving you an added understanding to your emotions and actions.

back in the saddle & planning new posts

It's like that saying "when you fall off the horse, you just get up in the saddle right away again". Why? Because you need to do it quickly to not overthink and over feel the scared feeling of falling. I should remember that. After all, I fell off horses a lot while training equestrian vaulting back in my youth and got back up again every time.

And still, more than three months since I wrote something here. Even more months since I opened my journal and wrote a longer piece.

I got a little wake up call a few weeks ago when I pulled a few 50+ hour work weeks, woke up at 5 am without an alarm even though I didn't go to bed until midnight and kept running around feeling wide eyed and having a cry at work.... Then I went on vacation and enjoyed no telephone, internet or work emails for a few days, plus hanging out at sea and in nature in the now so to speak.

Part of my "after vacation resolution" is to get better at doing things that keep me both mentally and physically in shape. The usual; sleeping, eating, working out, not over working, hanging out with friends, talking walks outside during work days and weekends. But also; reading physical books, writing blog posts and having time to do my side project (another sort of writing).

Since it has been a week since this "new regime" started; I have worked out every day (maybe not as long as I had dreamt about but 30 min is a good start), I have slept 7 hours every night and I have eaten porridge for breakfast every day - I have yet to attack the reading a book or writing a blog post, so here is it....

Life has been, I guess life? The last few years have had some struggles, maybe early midlife crisis ("what should I do with my life?") and some set backs in the dream department. There is nothing I would like to dwell in right now, considering this is my "back in the saddle, which should be short and sweet, bringing a happy feeling without dread for next time" blog post.

I have gotten increasing number and sizes of projects at work, and some of these have not been easy navigating. It's difficult for everyone working with unrealistic expectations in delivery when you look at the resources being offered and the time line to fix in under. Needless to say I've been repeating a lot "the best we can do with the allocated resources and the given time constraints" rather than "the best you can". The latter phrase usually leads to some Type A people working overtime and getting stressed since you know that "you can do better" and "it shouldn't just be good enough".

With that nugget/wisdom/pep talk/detailed focused nit picky comment, I leave you with a few areas that I am working on for the next blog posts during this year. If you want to make a comment/wish on which one to go first, please let me know.

1. Good team work is constant communication and support
2. Work-life balance in the time of "if you love what you do, it's not work"
3. Stories from the US South as a Northern European woman - the differences, the similarities and the exotic craze - nuggets like bbq, heat vs freezing, feminism, church, seer sucker vs tight fitting dark wash jeans, craft breweries, biking to work and living together without being married.
4. Science lab dynamics, the team sport like hockey
5. "I have a PhD, this job is beneath me"
6. Negotiation and diplomacy, best when coming from equal footing?
7. Are you spending your time on the right things, or the things you want to be right?
8. Setting expectations, an important part of delivering success
9. Conflict between the wet and the dry lab sides
10. Correct salutations - half the win when working with new people
11. Pit falls to avoid when starting in a new team with a new project - no presumptions

marathon training, self esteem and confidence

Back in May I decided that this year was the time when I was going to run my first marathon. I grew up in a family where both my parents were runners. My mom sometimes used the way to/from work to jog her long runs. My dad ran marathons, the first when I was around 6 years old. My brother has run one as well. As we are a fairly competitive bunch, I started really feeling that I should do that when my brother ran his.

That said, I've never been the runner of the family. But I have been jogging since I was at university. I've been the slowest one in my family pretty much all the time. And I've been the chunkiest one. And I've been aware of this all the time but still kept going with a thought "at least I'm still doing it".

Move on to a few years back when I decided to challenge myself and the perception that maybe, if I was a slow jogger, I would gain some traction if I extended my distances? What I lack in speed, I make up in consistency and perseverance? So I signed up for my first half-marathon. It seemed like a good enough distance to be far enough that you have to train for it, and short enough it doesn't break the bank on completely committed and crazy.

My first half-marathon solidified my feeling that while I'm not in the group of "fast runners", I'm not last. None of this should matter of course. But this is part of the story of why I am and have had some issues with running groups and "sharing" with people.

You see, one of the biggest thing with runners is chasing time. You want to do a PR. You should want to be faster and beat this and that. And as a competitive person, I sure did that a lot when I started. I trained to be faster. I wanted to improve my PR. Every time out was an opportunity to go for max and it felt good to be exhausted in the end.

Then came an injury. I ignored it pretty well, and managed to run a half setting a PR while doing it. And then was 6 months of having pain, issues to walk and sit. And for sure not running or working out. After that I decided to take a little bit of a check on myself. Realizing that I'm older and maybe not in such a good shape that I should go for gold every single time but think about "how should I work out so I can keep doing this the rest of my life". Learning to listen to my body a little more. And trying to incorporate a little bit of calm into my workout routine.

So I started running without music. To force myself to be out in nature, running and being aware of my head, my breathing and taking a break from the rush rush, and finding a different feeling of running. I listen to pod casts at many of my longer runs nowadays. Like a companion but still able to choose when a few miles are just you and your thoughts. A few weeks ago I started running with a metronome to keep focusing on my cadence. That brought me back to my old times as a swimmer. Counting strokes, focusing on form, doing lap after lap. It's similar to the boxing bag and repeating punching series. And of course, the most obvious, playing scales with the flute. All of these repetitive things that makes me relaxed, yet focused and able to really tap into that strength and clear my mind and body.

Anyway, this was supposed to be about the marathon and what the training experience has given me so far.

It was a challenge at work to sign up, the company wanted to see x number of employees run the full marathon. And I thought, if not this year, when? and signed up. We got a little ribbon to put on our work badge, "to recognize each other and for others to see us".  I didn't want to put on my ribbon, I'm not much for telling people private things and this marathon was a private thing. Sometime later in the summer one of the reps ran into me on campus and asked "why aren't you wearing the ribbon?". I mentioned that I wasn't comfortable with it, at this point I hadn't told anyone I was training for a marathon, it was my goal, my idea and my time.

The rep started to tell me "it's an accountability thing, if you tell people you will not back out but you will run". I explained, as nicely as I could, that I don't function that way since so far if I sign up for something and say I will do it, I will. It's not about outside pressure to do it (sometimes it's actually just the opposite). Anyway, the rep continued to say "it's a leadership quality, to show that you are willing to do something that you have never done before (run a marathon/and in my case put on a badge and 'brag' at work)". I told them I would think about it, and waited for the feeling that it would be ok to have he ribbon on, to be "visible" and to "brag" about something.

You see, there's a lot of self esteem things riding on this "being a runner". And then there is a lot of questions about time. "how fast are you aiming to run the marathon?" (answer: First one I'm aiming to finish, no time thought).

The one thing I can say after doing this training for 5 months, it takes time. And a lot of people are focused on time, as in speed. I'm trying to plod along. Trying to feel good about the fact that I'm logging miles, regardless of the speed. I started training in the summer. That means a lot of runs in 90F/34C weather. I've grown to be quite ok with going out and doing it in those conditions. Am I fast? Nope. Do I like running in heat? Not really but I've grown to appreciate it more and more. Do I do it and feel better afterwards? Yes.

And this brings us to the reason that I'm ranting away on this post right now. I mentioned earlier that I have run half-marathons before. The longest I have run before starting this training for the marathon has been 13.34 miles (last half-marathon race). I was a little bit nervous, yet excited, to run further. My first longer run than that happened to be in the afternoon a sunny hot day and I was scheduled to do 15.5miles. It was not a great choice, it was really sunny and hot. I didn't feel great about it, but I did it and then came a lot of doubt. "Can I really do a full, those 15 miles were abysmal".

Well, next weekend rolled around and according to my schedule it was time for a 16 mile run. I woke up earlier in the morning and went out and did the training. It was a cool, crisp morning with clouds and no shining sun. And when I finished I felt spectacular. Not just my body (legs were tired obviously) but the feeling in my mind and the self esteem was back. "well, perhaps I can do this!"

So, I kept plodding away with my schedule. And soon came the longest distance I should run before the race; 19 miles. (Side note, I need to point out that a lot of people who train for marathons don't run the full course before the actual race. This is especially true if you are slower since after a certain number of hours, your body doesn't build up but rather breaks down. And also, the experienced people keep saying that if you can do 19-22miles/30-36km, you can do 26 miles/42km since the last part is perseverance, mental and correct hydration/energy planning.) To say I was nervous would be true. I was a little scared that I would hurt myself (5 months of training down the drain) and curious on how I would feel coming into those 17, 18 miles.... Needless to say it wasn't as bad as I dreaded it, but wasn't flawless. But the real joy came afterwards when I updated my friends on the progress and none of them asked for my time but focused on "how did it feel".

It's probably fairly obvious that while I'm saying that "everyone else" is focused on time, the one who focuses the most on it is me. Well, I'm a work in progress and not really over the fixation yet. For now though, I'll take the happy feeling that I am 3/4 on the way to my race distance wise. And that after this weekend coming up I am in tapering mode and will not have to do over 10 miles. I will need to keep the focus and keep training and really starting the thing I deep down dread the most; early morning runs in the dark. Why? Because the race is in the morning and my body is not a great morning body.

To sum this post up; I am happy to have found that the marathon training have helped me deal with my self esteem issues and move forward, maybe not in the way that I thought it would when I started - that's an added bonus. And that nothing matters as much as "routine" since "doing something" is better than "doing nothing". Fingers crossed for me keeping the mental happiness through the big race!

Vacation is good for you (until you come back...)

I had quite the start of the new year. A couple of day, well to be honest weeks, of vacations and trips. I didn't realise that some stuff has been draining me. It took going to the Hockey Town of the World to realize that I really needed to get away and sleep. Oh and how I slept. Glorious 10 hours of sleep a night. At least for a few days when the vacation started. Like I said, it took me awhile to realize what my brain has been telling me for a little bit.

Also, I can totally recommend going to Toronto in February. You get blues skies, sun and then a little bit later snow and ice. Perfect for long walks, both in the PATH and outside, and relaxing in coffee shops and microbreweries.

Not to mention, going to Hockey Hall of Fame and Air Canada Center for some games with the lovely Maple Leafs.

If only one didn't get so behind on work while being away.... it's crunch time for some dead lines. I'm dreaming away and sharing some photos. Until next time! (Got some thoughts on mentoring and networking for starters.)

manage expectations: not saying no , under-promise & over-deliver

When people ask "what do you do" to me, I tend to say something along the line "I help people communicate and keep them on track with projects that are involving several different departments, groups and interest and making sure details don't get lost in the shuffle". If there is an interest to delve deeper I usually end up saying something a long the lines of; "it's about managing expectations. Never saying no, and under-promise and over-deliver". The middle part, not saying no, was hard for me in the beginning when people are talking about what they want in a project, the time line and the scope. Most often these are sounding a little, should we say - not reality anchored?

As an example, you talk about a drug screening project involving 200 compounds and 5 types of cells, and they want results in less than a month. It doesn't sound too off the path, it could be done. However, when you factor in that the cells are still in cryo, they haven't been grown in the conditions they are interested in, you don't know their doubling time, and the screening plates aren't made - well then you're looking at at least 8 weeks. And that's even before asking the "oh so important, yet often overlooked question": Who is going to do the work? Can they dedicate all their time to this project?

When I started working in this job, my response to the unrealistic project wish would've been "No, that's not possible", and then listed what time frame was realistic. After you state such a thing (No) the person you are talking to isn't interested in what you are saying anymore since "you are not on their team. You are a negative person. You are not trying.". And that in turn means you have lost the trust and the little leverage you've got. Instead, if you lead with "OK, let's see what we need to do in order to get that done" and you start making a list of facts - with help from the person who is asking for the project - it usually becomes more or less clear that some biological facts make the initial time line impossible and you need to amend the time frame.

I usually start planning the project as it could be done as a serial-connected-project. This to show how long it CAN take if you do all the small parts after one another. This is also showing "the longest time to finish". What you do later is to look for the parts that can be done in parallel, usually there are quite a few that can be done in the same time frame, thus save time and shorten the "time to delivery". Once you show that part to the person who wants the project, they'll be happy that you have found a way to shorten the time and they know that you are working with them "to get it done as fast as possible".

It also means that sometimes you can get people pretty excited since if they think they have to wait until Day 34 to get a result, but you give it to them at day 30 - they're in priority. It most often means that you built in some "buffer time if things don't go right" in your first prediction of time, which is key. Why? Because being late is always a bad thing. I don't care what other people say - it's never OK to be late and over-promise. It makes a lot of people anxious and negative. Most importantly, it makes them lose trust in you, and that's a hard thing to rebuild.

One person I worked with in my previous job always over-promised to new clients. Then they went back to us, the people who were going to "make this happen", and made us come up with ways to deliver in the shorter, extremely optimistic time frame. A lot of times it worked out, although most people involved in the project were overworked in the end of the projects. The times when biology messed up and didn't work with the optimistic time frame (say "optimize the growth conditions" and it took more than three months rather than the estimated 3 weeks), was very disappointing and stressful for everyone.

In short; when you are faced with a too short and optimisti time frame on a project - work really hard with the person telling you their expectations and never say no. Build the trust that you are on their team. Let them see the "impossible" time expectations and see if they can suggest something that will help. This will make them more interested in working with you, and will build trust in your team. Also, work on the over-delivery and find a way to add something extra, however small - since this is also indicating that you care about them and the project. A little extra care goes a long way in this world.

International Day of Women - links and practical things

If you read this blog (thank you if you do), you know that I have an opinion on equal rights, women in science and that the world is not a fair place at the moment. I've gone through my old posts and I wanted to write something new for today - being the 8th of March - and figured I could do some practical link love.

There is so much to do to work for equality still. (No, I don't think we are considered equal, us woman and men.) Every where you read research says that if women are given the opportunity to control their reproductive rights (read: not get pregnant too close together aka spacing children or postpone their first child to after 18 years of age) they will have a higher chance of finishing school, thus having a higher chance of supporting themselves and their families. It's one of the things that make me upset knowing that current politics of the USA is removing this opportunity since they are pulling the funds for all health aid IF they even mention abortion (they don't even have to provide it, just the mere fact of talking about it makes the money void).

Well, instead of making this a venting upset rant - I'll go right ahead with some links to things I find important this March 8th of 2017.

Site from United Nations on women and "changing the work today". Lots of facts and explanations on WHY it's important to work towards equality and what we could have in the future.

A Mighty girl; my "go-to-site" for inspiration and presents for my friends who are parents, and also to myself when I I need a pep talk and be inspired by all the great girls and woman all around us in the world.

For more practical "what can I do to help" - consider kiva.org where you can be a lender to micro loans to women (men and groups) all over the world with a small risk. The micro lending makes it possible for a lot of people to finish school, purchase that small extra that is needed to sustain their business and other things. You can choose places, people and projects that you feel are important. They have a special drive for March 8th, go take a look.

The book I would like every undergrad to have to balance the male dominance of all the science history and reports every day.

"We should all be feminists" by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie - there's a TED talk and a small book (based from the TED talk). It might interest you to know that the book was handed out to a lot of 8th graders in Sweden last year.

A list of the 100 most powerful women in 2016 from Forbes

Some self promoting (but at least I'm not rewriting the same things this year) - my old posts from March 8th:
Silly slut on Woman's day 2010
IWD this March 8th 2012 
being just enough woman, IWD edition 2016 

An old blog carnival: "IWD How To Do It All, one woman's perspective" lots of good posts

And finally, I found my blog post about the book Seducing boys club  that I never bought since I thought it was too "post-modern American" but now in a better mind frame to read and contemplate. Anyone read it? Any thoughts?

Now, let's go to work.

snoring, choices and grad school

It feels like a thousand years have passed. I woke up at 5 am this morning, staring into space, trying to remember what my dream had been. Why it had woken me up. It took me a second to realise that it wasn't the dream. It was the hand that had reached out from beside me and shaken my shoulder, to disrupt my snoring sleep. I do that. Snore, that is. Some nights more than others. It's funny to me. It's one of those things you don't know about yourself. Someone else has to tell you about it. "You snore when you sleep".

There were times when that was something I was so embarrassed about. It scared me when starting dating (or for that matter, if you ended up with a short term fling). It's usually not like that in the romantic movies, obviously. Girl meets boy, hook up and go home to sleep together in a bed. Girl snores unbelievably loud and makes strange sounds in her sleep. Of course, someone will inevitably tell you that "snoring happens if you are overweight and have excess fat and tissue in the throat area". Others will tell you that "you can't snore if you sleep on your side" [I can, does that make me special?]. Others offer "you don't sleep well if you snore,".

The last part always makes me laugh. No, it really doesn't make me sleep well - since the person I share my bed with wakes me up to stop me from snoring! If I'm sleeping alone and snoring, there's not a care in the world. I wake up refreshed and happy (as happy as I can be in the morning that is). It's when my snoring bothers others that my sleep gets interrupted. And to be fair, it's two people's sleep that is affected. Or, as it happens when I grew up, three people since I could hear my dad snoring away on the other side of two doors. How my mother could sleep next to it, I don't know.

I was going somewhere with this.... ah, so earlier this week I remembered to make plans for a celebratory drink with one of the younger people in the lab. They applied to grad school before holidays and have now been accepted into one of their choices. They have been very interested in talking about potentially going to grad school, career choices and such with me since they started in the lab as a tech. And when we talked about the drink they admitted "I think you'll have to give me some wisdom, I'm probably going through my quarter life crisis. I don't know if I want to do grad school anymore. 7 years in that town?".

I, being the honest and slightly blunt person that I am, responded "I'm not sure that I have any wisdom, I'm quite confused about my life choices myself these days". Well, apparently the mere thing that I'm about 15 years older, having gone to grad school and "having a successful career with a great job in science" [listen to other people telling me how it looks from the outside!] makes me qualified to talk it through with them. I'm partly joking here, I think I could offer them some thinking points to make up their mind, even if I don't have my own stuff sorted out all that nicely as I would've wanted.

I'm going to have to tread lightly in my talk with them though. It's more about asking questions than giving answers (they have to sort out the answers themselves). It's a little interesting though since when they started in the lab they were happy with the idea of a Masters, and staying in science. After a year, interacting in our fairly competitive environment they got more convinced that the PhD was the way to go. Not sure that it's really what they want, or what they think is expected of them? (Which of course is part of the problem most of the time, isn't it.... you go with what others expect, what you expect and sometimes don't really give it too much thought.). I'm glad for the heads up since I've been thinking about choices we make at times. The choices I have made that led me to this place where I am today, warts and all. How changeable some choices are, some closes doors that can't be opened again. And most of all, that pesky question that doesn't seem to be answered anytime soon; what's the meaning of all this, what's meaning of life?

2016 is dead, long live 2017

It's a little overdue - the post about 2016 ending but I was on vacation sans computer and now I'm back to business as usual....

So, what can I say about 2016? It wasn't one of my shiniest years. It wasn't the worst one, two or three, but it might be one of top ten of "not great ones". I think it might be easy and fair to say due to some specific occurrences I will be happy to leave this year and I am looking forward to what 2017 will bring.

The main reason 2016 wasn't great was that I ended up with a "routine" finding that led me to have surgery for the first time in 20 years. That in itself might not have been that bad, since the actual surgery was pretty fast and painless, but the stress levels before and after made me think way too much and I didn't really like where that headed. I also worked a little too much in the spring, being the person who covered for maternity leave while training two new people while maintaining my regular day job, which turned out to be.... a little stressful? I subsequently gained "a little" weight and wasn't too surprised when my feet started bothering me in the middle of June, indicating that barefoot was not going to happen during summer time.

On the bright side, while covering for the maternity leave I was surprised to find out that a lot of people found me very useful, helpful and good at my job. They gave me an ego boost and continued to let me and my bosses know that I was doing very well and being a resource to the work place. Other bright things was that regardless of the surgery and the weight gain I ran another half marathon and even if I didn't make my PR I listened to my body when my feet told me "we are numb and not liking this one bit" (and I came in faster than my first one so not too shabby). Also on the personal side, I found that my relationship was stronger than I thought and got support when I went into the rabbit hole of doom due to surgery and some other "not so great discoveries". I also had some friends who reared their head even though I didn't keep in contact with them and enjoyed their time. It showed me that I shouldn't be so harsh on myself and how I interact with others. The summer made me discovery how much I love reading books and how much I had lost the regular reading before bed. I ended up being old school voracious reader of my youth and going through more than 80 light reading/romance-like/fantasy novels (I know but boy was it nice to escape reality a little), and 40 more regular books (Rise of the Rocket Girls by Nathalia Holt being a close top book together with Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie). Also discovered Eudora Welty, such a great writer and photographer.

So, overall 2016 wasn't my favourite (I'm choosing not to dwell on a few other details on the bad side, they're there so trust me on that). The US election and the revelations it had on my work life and personal life are included in this too. Who knew I knew so many misogynous people? Or so many "alt-racists"? Or simply, so many people who like authoritarian men who take charge of women and other feeble minded people? At times I felt like turning into a rabid lesbian stereotype just to prove a point (that it shouldn't matter what women look like or act like or who we love or any other of the thousand things that came up in the debates or propaganda).


Since I want this to be a positive post, I'll start stating my hopes and dreams for 2017. It's really quite simple.

First, this is the year where I will know if I'm staying at my job for a longer time. If certain things aren't on the books (read promotion), I am going to have to look for new opportunities. In the long run I can't afford to stay in a job without any promotion strategies at all. I'm not at the level where I would feel comfortable staying "for the reminder of my career".  Of course, this will be a little influenced if one of my papers get accepted into a CNS level journal since I then have a good reason for my ego to stay. "I still publish" and "I publish in great journals" (always in the middle of the authors mind you, but since my peers doesn't get on papers at all I see this as a great perk and indicating I am still doing science).

Secondly, my health will have to take a fore front place. There will be more yoga and stretching, if nothing else to combat this foot pain that is quite annoying and hurtful. I'm not wanting another piriformis injury on my body. It is also going to help my mental saneness by giving me endorphins as usual when I exercise. I'll keep running and hopefully break my idea of "good time for 10K" (i.e. under 60 mins).

Thirdly, I need to get back into writing. Both this blog, lablit and some personal dreamy projects that has been in the works for quite some time. I fear this will take a back seat for the first four months while I try and get my PMP certificate (see first goal and how they tie into each other). Hopefully I can keep this blog going with two posts a month, science and personal - maybe some hockey - and most likely some leadership/mentoring thoughts.

Fourth and last, this is where I continue on my quest/work to be more of a positive person who takes the future more in stride and not plan for all the negative things. I've faced the music a few times and it has showed me in stark reality how easy it is to get stuck in "negative mode" and I don't want that for me for the future. I'm not going to be one of those people who quips "there's a good lesson in getting cancer, see the good in it" but I will try to be one who doesn't paint the worst on the wall just because you can and you get scared. Nor will I succumb to automatically thinking negatively about others, my own body (I got my work cut out there, trust me) nor world futures. I think this will probably be the most important thing for me in the long run and something that will influence my relationships. It's really a lot of truth into looking at yourself and your life in perspective to other situations and be grateful for what you have. At least for me, this has turned out to be a good start and made me more of a happy (content?) person than before some of this happened.

politics - abuse - domestic violence

I've had a rule, especially since I moved to the States, not to talk about certain things at work. Politics is one, religion another, and then trying to not discuss too private or personal things. I've mentioned this in the blog before. Trying to keep a neutral stance on a lot of things and mention sports, travelling, books and cooking; letting other people talk about their children and grandchildren etc.

However, the last couple of months it's becoming more and more difficult to keep "neutral" when people spew off comments. I've worked on focusing on "facts" and "history lessons" and a lot of times I end up making a gallic shrug with "well, I'm Scandinavian so maybe that's a little different". Last week though, that went into a little more delicate matter. The whole #blacklivesmatter got some commentary by some coworkers, and not in a delicate way. There were words mentioned that made me give a short history lesson (even as a non-US citizen), and then there was the Nice attacks and the idea, notion and history of France and liberty. And then we added the Turkey military coup and the history lesson in terms of Ottoman empire ("what is that?" led me to talk a little about the country).

And today the Republican convention started.... And not only did the commentary add into "no other civilization than the Western Civilizations have ever given the world anything" but there were some other grumblings on the side. And this is not even mentioning the underlying discussion and commentary about abuse that's been going on for a bit.

I know that abuse is a hard thing to define. It's been a little bit of this conversation in junction with the Katz affair. It's also been a time when a coworker mentioned some private stuff going on at home and me waiver on how much private information is appropriate to give. But when it comes to certain situations though, I have to say something. If you feel non safe at home, to the point that you take your kids and go visit a coworker, there are things that you need to do. And the other thing, not to paint the worst scenario on the wall but still, it's the time when you decide to leave the abuser that is the most dangerous time.

Again, not trying to scare anyone here. Not liking my experience with this. And I definitely don't feel comfortable with the whole thing. However, there are certain things that don't matter (and me being comfortable in this situation is one of them). I'm feeling a little better that I could make some practical suggestions to the specific situation. It's not a done thing, but a step in a right direction.

However, it can't take away the searing anger I saw the other day when one of the more short-sighted naive people expressed "I think they brought I upon themselves, they really should've walked away the first time". I wanted to tell them in not so many words: If it was that simple. If the line was THAT clear.  Don't you think they would've walked away? Maybe, just maybe, it is a little more complex than that?!

It doesn't matter if it's an abusive PI or a partner. The background, the luring, the normalization, is always there. It's not coming out of the blue - at least not when the perpetrator is good at it. Oh no. It's devious. It's a slow build up. It's a mix of "you're so good to me", "I'm not worthy of you", "you really understand me" and a number of similar comments. And the feeling that bloom in you, that they like you - and that it is special thing you have going. It's the waves, the ups and the downs. When it's good, it's very good, but when it's bad, it's very lonely. Not to mention the shame. The thoughts "I should've realized" or something equivalent as an emotion.

I spent today telling someone "if it was bad all the time you wouldn't have stayed, not found yourself in this situation. It's the good that starts is and then you get stuck. The really important thing though. It's to move away from the situation and next time you see the signs, act on them." It's the learning and improving. Not beating yourself up over something that has already happened.

It's easier said than done. Obviously. But we can all try and keep the judgmental comments out of the workplace. And maybe even just keep them out all together? After all, most of us have moments of weaknesses where we thrive on someone giving us attention and perceived likings. It's not always you see the deception until afterward.

Maybe tomorrow will be another day?


(and this is not even mentioning that I watch Mrs Trump's speech..... )

temper - demeanor - self control - board games - introvert

One of the things that appealed to me the most while learning the game system of VtM was the idea of "demeanor" and "nature". The very much in the game setting controlled idea that you have a choice of showing your feelings and actions in a demeanor, compared to when you can't control it and have your nature. (It's not really like this, and I had a longer post written all about the intricacies of the gaming system but I figured it wouldn't be interesting for the non-gamers whom I presuming are reading this blog.)

As for what I'm writing right now, I'm mainly focusing on the week full of emotions - by others and by myself - and the feelings and thoughts I have from them.

First of all, let's get one thing straight. I'm not a touchy feely person at work and don't feel comfortable talking about feelings too much when trying to solve a problem. (I am a solutions focused person and like logic, deduction and problem solving. Feelings and the cushion talk doesn't really factor in a lot for me when I look for the issue and try and fix it.) Then again, I realize that this  (feelings) is how a lot of people deal with things so I've learned how to work it. It doesn't mean I LIKE it, just that I know how others responds and how it's best efficiently solved.

However, if you want me drained, let's talk about feelings and talk all the time. And yes, that's where I am a lot of times these days due to a certain situation at work. People are feeling vulnerable and scared of losing their jobs. Hence they go talk to someone who can comfort them. And somehow that person turns out to be me. (yes, I'm flattered but yet it's getting to be a little annoying/stressing.) I know they mean well but hearing a lot of times "well your boss likes you so you're safe" makes me want to tell them - you have MISUNDERSTOOD the importance of work. It's not that my boss LIKES me that's important. It's that my boss finds my work as ADD VALUE (important and helpful) to them. I'm happy if they like me. It's important that they DON'T DISLIKE me. It doesn't mean that the important thing is that the like me, they just have to NOT dislike me. And "THEY LIKE YOU" isn't a compliment to keep me safe. It makes me feel slightly clammy. Almost like you imply an inappropriate relationship or something like that. (yes, like that's never happened where you work.) What I want to tell them are "Inefficient, invaluable people can still get sacked, even if the boss "like" them". Even people who are liked and shacking up with the boss gets canned so no, "Liking" isn't what you strive for - "add value/getting stuff done" is.  I'm not loving the idea that people go about thinking that my job is safe due to the "boss liking me".

Ah well, it's a small moon in the sky with plenty shining stars to annoy me this week.

I've been a control person for a very long time. I pride myself with being really good at poker at a poker table (being able to make myself hard to read, controlling my emotions), I had a stint playing a bunch of devious boardgames and being good at them, not to mention the whole RPG stuff and playing a character wile gaming. And that's not even talking about grad studies or post-docing. Alas, all of this experience is sometimes a moot point when you encounter something that makes your blood boil and your eyes only seeing red.

I know that people have various tolerance and reasons for violence. I've been very good at keeping my temper at check for being violent so that's seldom been an issue (unless you bet someone up in front of me - that's usually not working and I end up in trouble). However, I've realized that I might be a little less tolerant to this whole notion of being called "girl" in a work place environment (among other things, I'm trying to keep this part related to work and not other time).

This past week- let's just say I was VERY happy that I not only focused on "let's solve the issue" but also that I realized that a lot of people were watching my every move and it was very important to keep cool and professional demeanor. I did (although I needed to walk away for a small second in the middle - thank goodness I needed to find the printer with the important paper - and that I could face the floor and carry the heavy bag without looking at the person who was pushing every single button for me to want to obliterate them with my voice) and then later I wrote a very fact based account of what happened to the people in charge and explained my grievances and why I wasn't feeling comfortable with the whole situation and wanted an assurance it was going to be settled.

So yes, mostly it helped to get a remedy phone call from the main company we worked with, apologizing for the horrible situation and letting me know that the company who was the cause of it all will not be hired by them anymore. Regardless that I might feel sorry for the individuals in questions, I've been in the USA for too long and therefore feel that "If you were behaving badly and not doing your job, it's on you" so therefore I refuse feeling sorry for you. (NOTE, it's not the person losing their job, it's the company losing their spot with the other company. Also, apparently they were on notice so it wasn't solely me. Look at me being all sappy about this anyhow and feeling contemplative about the whole thing "maybeI was overreacting.)

Regardless of that, I became more content with my reaction since a couple of the people in the lab who saw the sad situation commented to me afterwards. "I'm so in awe, you looked nonplussed" or "You were amazing, so calm and collected and you couldn't tell if you were flustered". I got reminded yet again, my coworkers don't know where my fury could go. They don't know that if (when?) I fly off the handle I really do (which is why I don't even go near at work). There is a lot of F word related things and feelngs, "in your face B".... There is a certain joy in my to do a "no hands down, bar none, brawl fighting"  concept. I know though, both from experience and brain power, it's a shitty, very non productive way to explode. It's one of the reasons I dislike those bad, non good relationship fights since it's muddy and when mud starts slinging no one is clean afterwards and not good solutions in sight. Always better to stay out of those things. However, there are times when I am quite content having these icy comments roll out and stab the person who is just picking away at the worst possible way... especially if there is someone else that they hurt in the first place. I have no tolerance for bullies.

I guess it makes me a bad person. I enjoy a certain kind of hurt. Or it makes me a non-pushover, since it most often happens when other people are involved. However, today it was partly the idea of being called "this girl" in a derogatory way and the slight contenedness I got by picking up the phone expressing "yes, this is Dr Chall" and later receiving a letter where someone is expressing "their apologies for this horrible thing to happen" (not calling me a girl, that wasn't something I complained about. There was a whole other issue going on but the "girl" thing was what was like a red blanket in front of the bull in a bull fighting ring. hello temper.)

All in all - this is my convoluted way of saying "there is more to me that meets the eye". And that I am not entirely comfortable for you to see my feelings when someone hurts me or my friends since I am honest and react to it clearly.

introvert working extroverty job

One of the biggest differences that my job have had on my life is that I'm nowadays not as much social on my personal time. I've always been an introvert at heart, my home is my castle. I like being with small groups of people, one-on-one talks or max of 4 people is when I feel the least stressed. However, I don't mind big parties and mingle around. Going to various venues and meeting new people. Conference parties and talking to lots and lots of people. It's just that I need some decompress time afterwards and be completely alone so I don't have to worry about how people perceive me, or take in all of the impressions and process them and be prepared for all the things. The introvert recharges alone.

When I was a post-doc I had a lot of things on the side of the job. I went to coffee with people, met up with friends outside of work, hung out in bars, went to social shindigs and art exhibits and roamed to a lot of other things. My work space was fairly limited with interactions, it was me and my mice/bacteria/cells. The cell hood was my second home and I chatted to them to make them feel good. The mice were my babies, I fretted over them, bred them and got so much good data from them. It wasn't about meetings or thinking about "what's the tactic" but rather "get data, move it forward".

My present job isn't like that. It's sharing two offices with 4 people and often not having alone time until they have left for the day and there is some quiet. It's meetings, interactions and "managing from below". It's about relationships and people's feelings. It's about making everyone feel like they are the most important and that their contribution is great and that makes the projects move forward. It's thanking people for their hard work and their contributions. It's sorting out what make them tick and get interested in the parts of the project that may or may not be _that_ interesting at first glance but it is pivotal to finish for the job to get done. It's people, data in projects and more people.

I love it. It's challenging and I think I'm pretty good at it. I get to do research and be connected with research without standing at the bench. And without being responsible for writing grants and getting the money. I need to be responsible for what happens with the money, and that's something I like.

However, the clearest thing that has happened (last couple of months in particular) is that I'm not at all social anymore. When I get home after work I'm longing for alone time. On the weekends I long to go out in the forest and be in nature. I run outside and love the sound of my breathing, the pounding of my feet on the ground. Listening to podcasts about what goes on in the world and triggering my thoughts about things I find interesting. Sitting outside with a book, leaving the phone inside, just immersing myself in reading. Being in the now and focusing on the immediate world right there. Not caring too much about the time nor what happens later on.

The problem? That I'm worried that I'm losing the few friends I had before. That I'm so good at living in the now that I have lost track of where the future is going. Maybe I'm not living in the now as much as avoiding the decisions that I should make for the future? Because, as any woman knows, "there is only so much time you have".

Hello overthinking introvert.....

Is your advice wanted? if not - be quiet

Part of my job involves having assorted information about projects, planning and science (and quite a lot of behaviour and personal knowledge). I also have some experience in the research and industry field that may or may not be good to share at times when trying to decide priorities and goals. However, as everyone who has worked with people know - the issues are seldom with the project but with dealing with the people in the project. 

"The most important part to manage in a projects are the stakeholders aka people involved in the project."* Also "communication, communication, and documentation of communication" 

Even if you know "the best way" or have some suggestions that will improve the project and the ideas and goals, there are times when it feels like you are driving your head into a wall. "They simply won't listen to you, they know the way they want to do it"...

Since it's no fun feeling frustrated with people, having alternative strategies to deal with this is imperative. One of these strategies might be what we call ABC.

When in a situation when you have knowledge the other person doesn't, the questions to ask yourself are:

A - Accept ("will they accept it?")

B - Believe ("will they believe it?")

C - Change ("will it change anything/will they change their approach/attitude?")

If answer is No to these three - our solution is to "Let it go" and don't approach it. It is not the correct time or place to spend time and energy trying to convince them**. You will end up more frustrated and, more importantly, the person will be more frustrated with you (mostly since they will feel that you are hindering them and not playing on their team, and _that_ is so very important).

Of course, I know this. It doesn't mean that I always adhere to it. I'm a quite stubborn woman and at times I stick my chin out and dazzle with my knowledge***. And the people promptly go ignoring it but at least "I said something". There's a time and place for everything.... Now, if I could only be more like a duck...

*edit. As mentioned in the comments - you don't really manage people, you manage things. You lead people. I would say though, as a project manager a lot of what you do it manage communications (thus relationship) between people. But point is mostly - it's more complex than short snippets in a blog post.

**Second comment in regards to being quiet. I agree with the "a drop over time will make a hole in a stone" and changing someone's approach or modify it will take time. Building trust and making small comments and nudge them towards the "better" option. And indeed, that is what I try most of the time. Sometime though, it's good to remember to save the fight for another time.

***tongue in cheek, I voice my suggestions in a reasonable way, targeted to their personality.