It's been a while.... Happy Fourth!

Like that song from the early aughts

"it's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been a while
Since I first saw you"

(Staind) 

It's been on my mind since the inauguration of the 47th President and all the changes. I've missed the writing. Well, that's not entirely true. While I've missed the writing here, I have written things outside of here. However, I miss the discourse, the academic conversation, the idea that we did listen to experts and like science. 

As a trained infectious diseases PhD, who works in science and think that clinical trials and scientific discourse will save the lives of people and/or give better quality of life - the last couple of months have been ..... let's say disheartening.

During the weekend of the Fourth of July celebrations - The Birth of USA and the celebration of this (once) great nation - I found the wine that gave me some hope at the back of the bottle. (I'm a simple person, it doesn't take much.)

Let's see if I start posting in this ancient way more regularity. I think it would be helpful. For my peace of mind if nothing else.

the listening to what others think we should do, the academic conversation about the philosophical and moral quanderies that are about it in world. Or, very simply said - I miss the science conversation in the public. Before the lack ofvaccine 

burning books - for food fire

 I got reminded a few weeks ago about a time when I realized that words matter and "mainly repeating things being told in a theoretical context" might hurt someone.

I was a 20 year old living in a dorm during second year of uni. It was a dorm where we shared one kitchen on 12 rooms (each room had its own bathroom) and we also shared a 'common room' with the TV. This was obviously in the dark ages where there was less internet, modems and no wifi, and TV had a cable package that we all shared to keep the costs down.

We lived together for years, 10 of our rooms with the same people, with two rooms being more transient students. Nowadays probably called "non-traditional" students. It was the Iranian exchange student who cooked food for all of us in the fall - when he made dinner he made enough for 12 people - as long as you wanted to eat at 10pm since it took time to make the rice correctly. (My goodness the rice was amazing!)

And then there was the woman who moved into the dorm room next to the TV room with her fiancee. They were born in former Yugoslavia, and this was post 1996 with the war and the siege of Sarajevo (1992-1996) the capital of Bosnia & Herzegovina. I had been exposed to the war in my middle school and high school with having class mates from different areas of former Republic of Yugoslavia. Meaning we had students in the class with grandparents and other relatives in the different parts of the then civil war (e.g. Serbia - Bosnia-Herzegovina - Croatia ) and also Kosovo, which meant all of us youngsters needed to talk and get to some sort of agreement on how to address one another as it was very bad "back home for their extended families". (this is a VERY shortened version on what happened in the class)

By some reason I had forgotten some of this when I got to university. Maybe I was living high on my "I'm taking philosophy 101 and 201 and have high standards". Maybe I was just young and not thinking things through? 

Anyhooo, one night were were having dinner together and during the meal somehow we ended up talking about "things that we shouldn't do" and I piped up; "Burning books is BAD", you should never burn books".

And the woman from the room next to the TV-room looked at me, with a specific facial expression and apologetic stance and said to me "I'm sorry, I burned out books in small cooking fires for food when we were in Sarajevo. We couldn't get out of the apartments and get wood due to the snipers, so we used what we could for cooking food and warmth".

I don't think I've ever been more aware of context. I looked at her and felt so bad for making her feel bad. And said in somewhat of a sheepish voice, although she had been perfectly civil and visibly sad they had done this, "I obviously didn't mean when it's a matter of survival. It's more of a theoretical conversation from my class".

And felt like a fool. Burning books if you're stuck in a place and need to prepare food and warmth is not an issue. And I shouldn't have made her feel bad about it.

Still thinking about it to this day, more than a quarter of a century ago, that I feel fortunate this happened. It was a great moment of showing me the meaning of remembering "my experience in life is NOT ALL people's experience" and that there's so much value of knowing people from everywhere with all sorts of experiences. Like all the non-me people I've met moving around the world, changing jobs, volounteering in places and traveling and talking to random people - I always learn something new and it's always something that makes me more humble. Here's to learning more things every year of our lives!

End of 2022 - long live 2022, welcome 2023

I realized yet again how much I've missed writing regularly and also getting the occasional comment. It's been a few years, this blogging format is not as interesting to people as it once were. (Oh the humanity of feeling old when writing sentences like that.)

But rather than write a section on this, I'd settle for writing a two parter - "End of 2022" and "Beginning of 2023" since I noted the other week when talking to a friend that I really need to exhale, inhale and relax. Refocus might be the word. Or just "quiet quitting"? All of the words fit into the idea that the hamster wheel I've been in the last couple of year (let's say since covid started, to make me feel better and not because it is true) and quitting it and making my life a "healthy work-life balance".
Also, I ended up joking about wanting to burn sage and "cleanse the air to move into 2023 without regrets". That's when I really knew I was in the deep end of the pool.
Needless to say, this year has brought its own new experiences to light. And with them, a couple of notions to consider and use for personal growth.

• What is important

• What I thought was important

• What I want to be important moving forward

To no surprise, apart from maybe myself, I've been remiss in my own personal health. As in prioritizing sleep, training and stress management. So that's been a focus the last couple of months. It helped that I had an injury in summer time that made it clear to me how impaired my life would be when/if it would happen due to age. Note to self; "I don't handle not having balance or being able to walk or run that well".

And the reminder when co-workers were offered new opportunities and decided to take them. If nothing else, it makes you evaluate "what is important to me?". Everyone knows that when people leave, especially in the a place where it's not possible to post the position until the person is officially leaving, there is a change in team dynamics and responsibilities. 

It's also a great reminder that you are not stuck in where you are, but as the -sometimes trite - saying goes "you have the ability to change your circumstance". It's nice to be able to turn down offers when deciding what is important and feeling that you got to choose.

And that is mentioning only the most obvious things. There's been other events (smaller in family and larger in world changing) that have affected life and general thoughts on future. Plus the added joy and complexity of family, friends and acquaintances in this world of covid/post-covid/new-normal/new-not-regular-could-we-get-different. (Let's be clear, there are still a lot of resistance to science.)

For this ending of 2022 though, I'd like to be happy that I accomplished a few goals that I set up earlier this year. For the sake of accountability and sharing, I'd make it three.

• I managed to get my balance back and finished a half-marathon even thought I didn't run the entire 13.1miles (life-joy related).
• I got a new certification (work related).
• I continued to give specific% of income to charity and be involved in causes of societal importance, especially with focus to women's health, food security and human rights.

So yes, I would say that 2022 brought a few things to the table to consider for future and immediate future. And I will move into 2023 with a couple of agenda items to execute right away and some to keep on the long-term-to-do-list.

For this post though, Happy End of Year 2022! Let's move into the new year with aspirations, hope and action.

testing negative and being non-infected with Covid - slight comment

I wasn't planning on doing this but after a few days of hearing news from all over the place (thanks to being involved with someone who listens to Fox and "christian radio", I've gotten a view from there as well as the European sector that I cover on a regular daily basis and then the NPR and "liberal media" we both listen to....).

Anyhooo..... since part of what I'll be writing here shouldn't be an issue on anyone - regards republican or democrat - since it is fact.

The facts are as follows:

SARS-CoV-2 replicates in upper lung or lower lung, but most often is detected in respiratory part of the back of the nose (nasopharyngeal part). 

The PCR tests are designed to find the RNA in the swabs that are put in our noses - or sometimes the back of the throat - and will pick up virus and parts of the virus to show detection when run through the test.

The quick test - is having a high degree of certainty when positive (that means there is presence of virus in you) but the degree of false negatives is pretty high. This means that the Limit of Detection (LOD) as I previously wrote about, will be higher than 0. There's also a pure biological reason that the rapid test is having a low detection level of people "who might be infected but test negative" since there virus need to replicate to a point of detection. None of the test on market - understandably so - can say that they know you are infected the same day or day after (or even up to day "before you have symptoms") - since there LOD is not as sensitive as that.

Short explanation is this: you meet your friend and hug them. They are infected with SARS-CoV-2 and breathe when they say "Happy to see you". You get some of that breath, and viral particles, in your breath that you take into your lungs/upper respiratory tract (back of the nose/throat). The virus is all happy getting cells to infect and starts getting to work.... that means multiplying.

Depending on how well the virus is multiplying inside your cells, the number of cells and number of viral particles and RNA in your system (cells in the nose/lungs, bloodstream or stool) will vary. That's why some people show "positive" on the testing after 2 days after exposure, or others don't show it until 10 days. Either of them could be sick, have symptoms, and get others sick - it's all individual. That's why the guidelines say 5-14 days for quarantine.

As I explained to my parents - both over 70 - when I went to see them. I had a high risk event when flying, and I said "I want to wait 10 days before meeting you outside" (I'd still wear a mask since I'm the potential spreader at that point). The key facts for me are the scientific articles that say "after 11 days of quarantine without symptoms from a high risk/positive covid19 encounter, 97% are non-positive") .

When I re-entered USA to go to home to my house, I lived in my guest room for 9 days  - monitoring my temperature and symptoms - since it was important to me not getting anyone else potentially infected, and then I got a PCR test on day 8 since if my flight was the potential spreader moment. The test would pick up me as infected after 8 days even if I was symptomatic due to the viral replication rate as reported.

I feel like this aspect has been lost in the discussion. The test will NOT pick up on you being exposed today, yesterday, day before yesterday and maybe not day before that. Why? Because there isn't enough virus in you to get a positive in the test. the Swab is only so good. The swab doesn't go everywhere where the virus might be. The amount of virus is not what the Swab need it to be to pick it up.

This is what's mentioned in the discussion as "wait to test until 4 days after exposure" and quarantine until then. It's also why "going to work every day without social distancing even if you test every day will keep you safe from potential infections" (since you don't know who met someone infected the night before since the test will show up as negative that morning after....). 

Everyone with a basic biology degree should know this. 

Anyone having an infectious disease degree or knowledge knows this. Anyone with a pandemic preparedness knows this.

That's why I'm so confused seeing the "Rose Garden Event" from last Saturday since people are not only kissing and huggin (outdoors), they are also gathering indoors without any social distancing. It's confusing on a Risk level, and on a "protection level"

The only conclusion I can draw from this is that; people in the WH really didn't think Covid19 was an issue from the President, not any of the people surrounding him, since otherwise they would've taken precautions like social distancing, mask wearing indoors and no people cheek kissing and then talking to the president.  

Again, I feel like repeating - "What do I know? I'm just a PhD in microbiology with a speciality of virology and pandemic".....

dealing with anxiety (safer-at-home edition 1)

I ran into my old kickboxing trainer today. I would say he looked more surprised to see me than I him. He apparently thought I had left town. No idea why. Apart from that he was the one leaving and cutting all of us off. I almost said "you took the heavy bag I paid for when you scooted out, and I would've really enjoyed it in my home now in Covid19 times". Of course I didn't say that. Because that would be ... I dunno, unnecessary? It's been almost 10 years.

Still though, it brought back an old conversation I had with a therapist during my divorce (even more years ago). I talked about how I handled anxiety and that I had noticed 5 different outlets that might not have been the best options all the time.
In no particular order;

• drinking (alcohol)
• eating (oh chips, carbs are faves, but really - beggars can't be choosers)
• getting into a fight (referring to verbal fights and slight screaming, since I wasn't a brawler)
• having sex
• working out (especially on a heavy bag with gloves, intervals so almost puking or sparring against someone bigger)

At the time, I was quite proud that I had moved away from the destructive ones and kept working out to keep calm and in control of feelings and stressors. This quarantine/safer-at-home deal makes it a little more complicated since I currently don't have a heavy bag at home. Sure, I have a few kettle bells and I jog/do intervals at times in the neighborhood. However, it's not the "all out endorphin looking kick" that I've chased over the years to mellow me out. 

I guess I know now that I have to up my milage (haven't done more than 6 miles since marathon in December) and start doing the horrid intervals/fartlek to see if that kicks in the "adrenalin get aways" and the endorphin kickoffs. It wasn't an issue in the fall when I averaged 22 miles a week (4, 3, 15 miles) when training for the marathon, and doing spinning intervalls and weights/boxing twice a week. Currently I'm more in the "walking 3-5 miles a day" and "jogging twice a week", but nothing over 6 miles (since I'm in my neighborhood and not the park where I used to go long distance running). It's not enough to keep the balance.

Why do I think about this?  Because the other options on the list aren't really great choices as outlets. And especially not as a grown up who should be honest with ones feelings and reactions - as I refer to myself right now. I know, it would be best if I learned to deal with anxiety as regular people. Now, what do regular people do when stressed??? (I really don't know. Please let me know)

being a night owl

It's one of those things that you know. If you're a night owl or an early morning riser. Don't get me wrong, I wake up at 6 am most weekday mornings. It doesn't mean that I like it though. Nor that my head is in the game. More often than not I mumble "is it morning again?". And it's not because I haven't slept enough. (There are many times nowadays as old when I am in bed at 10.30pm for a good 7.5 hours of sleep.)

However, when given the choice and opportunity - I stay up late. Like tonight. Sure, I have avoided a few things that I have to do and once completed these, I notice that I feel content and wanting to write something in this blog. I also wrote something smaller in another setting, and I am feeling the happiness filling me.

There is something about being awake in the darkness, in the quiet, in the stillness - that makes me so happy.

I wrote most of my PhD thesis at night as well. Most often I thought it was because I needed quiet so when most people in the department started getting home to their families and kids, around 4pm, then I started gearing up to write. Then when I was a post doc similar pattern appeared. And now, far away from the academic concepts, still I find my writing spot in the dark of night.

I thought it was due to that "if need be I can work through the night and not sleep" in case of a deadline. While that might be a rational thought for me, and one of the underlying reasons, I really think it is more to the fact that my brain isn't really functioning in the morning. Also, I spend a lot of time during the day having my brain thinking through the assignments and sorting through a bunch of thoughts and such, and then when sitting down after 5 pm, it all falls into place and I can easily write it up.

You see, while I wake up at 6 am on the weekdays. I wouldn't say I'm awake until 8am. And that's regardless of coffee or so. I just need a good 60+ mins to wake up and be sociable enough to interact with people. And kick my brain in gear.

One of the reasons I've had my fair share of complainy thoughts of "why does everyone think it is so noble to be at work at 6.30am and leave at 3.30pm?" and also mentioning to my bosses over time that if they want me the most productive, forcing me to be at work 7.30am is not in their best interest. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm privileged to be able to not have to come in at certain early hours every single day.  I'm not taking it for granted. And during my time as a mail person, I did start at 5.45am every single day and didn't complain about it. But then again, it wasn't a problem solving job either...

I am still wondering, when will it be considered "as good as being in at 6.30am" to work a full day (or/and more) and stay until 6pm? Or even, and this is pushing it, not counting the hours of coming in and leaving but focusing on the work that's produced.

I know, I know. It's not the way it is. Just my little dream world. For now though, happy writing in the dead of night. sleep well!

new year, new me?

It's that saying "out with the old, in with the new", "The King is dead, long live the King" and other niceties. Happy New Year! Now, let's go.

The start of this new year, the new decade, coincided with a deadline for a huge project I'm involved in being moved up. When finding out about this change in schedule and delivery, there were some mapped out alternatives and suggestions of fast tracking some processes. However, what happened later could be referred to as "crashing the project".  Both of these terms are of course project management terms.

It's not really descriptive of what happens in a team with a project. To explain the terms quickly, one could say that fast tracking means working on several things in parallell rather than sequential. It increases risk, maybe especially when you develop things at the same time although the things are technically building on each other. And crashing is adding resources and increasing the cost but making the project faster.

In real world it meant that in the first part of the "let's work hard for the deadline" was developing a few things in parallell to avoid the time between "now this is complete, start with the next part". And then the second step was "stop working on any other project and go all in on this one and work OT if needed".

I would admit to thinking when I learned all these fancy terms that "increase resources" meant "hire additional people to help". I would say now that it usually means "stop working on other stuff and focus on this Project" since there's seldom a long period of time that this happens (in my place of business anyway). Needless to say, it's rare that you can "stop doing everything else" in a job, so it's a struggle balancing leaving all the other stuff for a short time vs working a little too much.

Which brings me to my point of this post. There is nothing that makes it so clear who you are as when you are faced with pressure and how you deal with this pressure is (for some of us) telling. I tend to get very focused on the task at hand (finishing the project). Depending on how much extra things that are in the background, and on the team, I tend to drop the shining smile and become a bit more blunt. As I said, focused on the tasks e.g. "We need to do A, F, G and K to finish. Let's do it!".

And while I definitely have worked on my personality expression over the years, and was raised as a very polite non-pushy person - there are limits to my patience and emotional bandwidth with people waffling and not contributing.

Lucky for me, there's a gif and a video (1-1.14 in the link) expressing how I felt when this phase happened.

"You don't know what I look like when there is a deadline that we can meet but it will require actual work and getting things done in a timely fashion".

Of course it's not quite as melodramatic. I was never in love with the project, and the project never loved me back to start with. But it is a good reminder that the last part of project is often the hardest. And that it requires something special to motivate the team and get everyone to perform great. The "actual finishing" the final things, wrapping up the present, tying the bow and writing the documentation and filing it so you can find it when you need to revisit, that takes effort. Especially when there are a plethora of other things waiting to get done and demanding your attention. And it is why it's so important to keep politeness and decency, and after the project is complete - have a "we did it!" celebration and hopefully a short relaxing time to regroup and get energy for the next thing. One can hope. Happy New Year indeed!

out with the old, in with the new

It's that time of the year when everyone recaps the year that has happened, and this time also the decade that has happened. I would love to, but bad planning and a computer without much power will lead me to do this report on New Years Day.

Maybe, just maybe, I can see that as a sign of the new year and decade for me. To accept and not overplan, to look forward and not dwell to much on the past?

For now, here's to happy future times! To friends! To friendship! To love and loved ones. And most of all, to all the lovely people in the bloggosphere who has brightened my day this latest year and will do the same for years to come.

Happy 2020! Happy new decade!

42km/26.2miles - again?! why? (marathon musings)

I realized that I never did follow up on my post about marathon training last year . Together with my earlier musings this year in regards to Lessons learned post I put up, I feel that it might be a good idea to do follow up....

So, in short I ran the marathon after 6 months of training. Like a lot of people will say, the race didn't go according to plan. I woke up to thunderstorms, delayed start, pouring rain like you wouldn't believe and then more delayed start. When the start happened the sun was up and the course was pretty much without shade, it was 96% humidity and unusually hot for being in December (80F/26C) in the shade. I had a sneaky feeling at 10 miles when I wanted to use the restroom to pee that I was in trouble since there was no way I really needed that. Especially since I know that one of the signs to flash "you're in dehydration" mode, is the feeling that I need to pee. Strange, yet there it is.

I still felt pretty ok about it all when I saw a runner getting taken off the course at mile 12 (medics pulled them off). And then the runner who almost ran into a tree. And then runner who was all gray in their face, walking slowly and then threw up next to me. At that point I started to think "what is the most important thing for me?". And it wasn't about finishing on a good time, it was finishing strong. So, I started walking a little and took it slow and steady.

I picked up the pace again closer to the finish line, once I hit 22 miles I felt safe to run "as fast as I could to get in goal" and did my last mile as the fastest mile of the whole race. Happiness for me! I crossed the finish line, got my participation medal, snapped a few photos with it and went to the hydration and food stance. Called my parents and talked about the race, still feeling pretty good about it all. And then the strangest thing happened when I met with my partner (in hindsight I should've seen it coming but I am good at ignoring certain things) - I started crying and mumbling that I hadn't done a good race. There were so many emotions all at once. Not only tired, but "not as tired as I thought I would be" (since I hadn't pushed myself as much since I was scared of the dehydration and belly cramps). Not as fast as I had hoped, which I had told myself all alone was never going to be the goal - "first race is to finish, not for time".

It all felt a bit better after the cry, the hugs and "you're being silly sweetie, you did great", and of course the glorious shower once I got home. And hydration fluids and a little bit of food. And more rest.

All in all, looking at the scale and the weighing before carbo loading, before the race and after the race - I lost over 6 pounds in water weight that day. I was seriously nervous about how little fluids I had left in my body (pee colour I've never seen before...) but I kept up with hydration two more days and then I had my annual physical. (Wouldn't recommend it but there is was.) My labs were excellent by the way, go me and hydration!

So, why do I bring this up now? Well, because I have gone and signed up for another marathon to do soon. And this time around my anxiety (competitiveness) is ramping up and I have to face a few uncomfortable truths.

I've always detested "the second time". I had to do my driver's license test twice and I was way more nervous the second time than the first. The first was "you just go and try", the second was "if you fail now you really aren't good". In short, stakes were/are higher the repeat time than the first. In theory, I should be faster this second time than my first race. But that's in theory, not a given. And it is a chance I will fail at that.

I got a good eye opener the other week when talking to a colleague about the training and how the running is going when they asked; "who are you running for? It doesn't sound like you look forward to this". And I thought to myself, "hm, that's an interesting thing.. I am way more nervous about this time around. I want to make a better time than last year, and I would like to feel better afterwards. But if I don't make a better time, how will I feel?". I answered them that this is one of the reasons I wanted to do it a second time, to prove to myself that I can do it "when I know what I am getting myself into and see if I can repeat what I did".

Funny enough (?), until I was on the course last year I never would've thought that I couldn't finish. All my training was still while never having doubt. I did my training program, kept at it and chafing and all, I still kept slogging along. It was while I was on the course, during the race, that I realized that it could go pear shaped at any time. That my training had been good, but at that point there were a lot of choices that I could make that would make things very difficult and that it wasn't at all clear that I would finish just because I had started (after all, more than 500 people of the 3000 who started didn't finish). And that knowledge - the doubt and the knowledge on how fickle the weather and life can be - is more prevalent this time around.

It's one of the things I have realized more and more the older I get, a trait (skill?) I have that isn't in everyone - the ability of shutting down and just keep going. Sometimes it's a good trait, sometimes it would've been better to stop and leave - accept that the situation is horrid and there's nothing you can do and you need to get out. I'm not saying it's all great to "persevere", sometimes it's plain dumb and I have certainly a few experiences that I would do differently if they came about today.

However, there are times - like when you are pushing yourself to jog 26.2 miles in a go - that the ability of not questioning "why am I doing this" but focusing on "one more mile, then I'll take a sip of water" is a good trait to have. The other benefit for me doing this is that I have to get over myself mentally - especially when I do my long runs. I have to get my brain in gear and think "I can do this". Somewhere during the run my brain will start spewing negative thoughts, not only doubt but "you're too slow", "you're too fat to do this", "why do you keep trying", "start walking and turn around to go home" etc. I've mentioned before, and it's probably all too obvious in my previous posts, that I am a champion in having these less than supportive self esteem thoughts. The good thing though is that it's really hard for my brain to do those thoughts after a long run when the body and brain is drenched in dopamine and my muscles have used up adrenalin and I lay panting on the floor hurting everywhere.

And I'm smart enough to remember that feeling when my brain comes knocking saying "hey, you're on mile 4, let's go home instead of doing another 12 miles". That's when the stubbornness kicks in and states "keep going, it'll be over soon enough and you will feel great afterwards".

All in all, what I wanted to say with this post is:
If you wanted to do a marathon - go ahead and train! Give yourself at least 6 months. I had done 6 half marathons before, and would recommend at least one half marathon before a full so you know how you feel after 2hours of jogging/running.
It's a lot of mental training to keep training and to keep running. And it gives you a different perspective on a lot of things. And if you can do it without music (which I recommend), it's an amazing time to be alone with your thoughts and really tap into feeling your body, breathing and everything.
And I really hope that my second marathon race will feel at least as good as the first. Fingers crossed!


TLDR: I hope I feel happy after my second marathon than my first. It was a lot of emotions and expectations in one day. And I want to prove to myself I can repeat this training and race a second time since now I know what I can expect from the race - and it's going to be tough. Mainly overcoming my own expectations and shortcomings.

Lessons Learned - not just bad stuff

Lessons Learned is one of the most important parts of a project and is finalized in the closing process. Well, it's one of the things that I think is the most important part of a project (after the deliverables), and something that many people don't want to do since it feels like "wasting time rehashing what didn't work and what did work".

If you look it up in different project management books and sites there will be something about "closing the project allows the organization to record, maintain and reuse lessons learned for future projects". This might be especially helpful if your organization has repetetive projects, say running a same production of compound X in various batches, or performing preclinical PKs with different drugs but the same models.

In my experience this specifics of "lessons learned" is more about "How" you go about capturing the learnt part rather than the "What did you learn". Maybe this is more due to the fast paced environment I move in, with several different teams and the feeling that we are doing "one of a kind experiments that wouldn't benefit from this formal step". Side note, a lot of the processes are the same, just that the people involved in them often think of themselves and the work product as unique and therefore not benefitting of a lessons learned.

There is also a similar connotation of "lessons learned" feeling more like a sit down and repeat what didn't work and let us capture who failed on what. Of course, this is similar to the feeling of people who don't like evaluations or critiques or feedback since the emphasis tends to be on "what didn't work". However, dealing with processes, it's always helpful and important to sort out which processes that did work well, and why. Side note 2, most often these processes get repeated and most people tend to view them as the "norm" since they work, when in fact these processes more often than not are not the norm and can give a huge insight to strengths and built in flows in the organization. It also gives an opportunity to review the successes of the team retrospectively, something that might not happen as often in an academic environment where we have forgotten the project the moment the paper is sent in and accepted rather than when it is actually published.

For the point of this blog post though, I had something specific in mind when contemplating the latests of Lessons Learned I am facing to do and capture. One of these closings is my annual review where I will go through a few of the projects I've worked on this year and I see that some of the bullet points from Lessons Learned will fit well into the review format. Why? Well mainly because of the point I made above in regards to a set of experiments that the people viewed as unique and one in a time, whereas I see them as the same process being slightly tweaked with details specific for the project in questions. And I'm involved in these projects on a regular basis.

Interestingly enough (but not surprising), it's a similar Lessons Learned for another project with a different set of people but similar deliverables and time lines. It goes something like this; Communication plan was decided and in the beginning of the project everything worked fine. Emails to the team was sent, in a timely manner before and after meetings, and updates were clear. Everyone got the work done on time. Once the project started lagging behind the time line, the communication plan broke down. This was in hindsight more clear since the person responsible for the communication decided to not be transparent with the delays in production, and at the same time stopped producing meeting minutes and tasks to the team. The team started meeting in smaller groups, which didn't have follow up or minutes, thus making it impossible to gauge where the project was. Finally there was a large group meeting where the project sponsor and the biggest stakeholder were present, this meeting generated a clear list of expectations, deliverables and time line with mile stones. For future projects, clear meeting minutes need to be delivered to the project sponsor and stakeholder for accountability. Communication should not be considered an afterthought. And even an email stating "no news in the project" is an important email if there has been no update meetings in over four weeks since communication indicates "keeping everyone in the project up to date and on the same page".

All of this is obviously easier said than done when working on concurrent projects with several team members in different projects, however - it's even more important for efficient work and avoiding rework and break downs.

There is a lead in from Lessons Learned into more private sphere and how this can be helpful in a career setting (lessons learned from your PhD project for example) but that's another blogpost.

"you're not a scientist, you don't have a PhD"

Ego getting in the way of making a good team. Ego ruining a good working team.

Everyone who has been in the science field for a certain time know when you meet new people in the field that there is a lot of questions about where everyone fit in and what roles everyone plays in these new teams and collaborations we do.

It's the newly hired person who thinks that "everyone in the labs who is involved with a paper gets on the authorship list". It's the newly minted PhD who know finally (?) feels secure that they have proved themselves explaining "I'm a real scientist now that I have the PhD title". It's the intern who spends three months in the lab washing dishes and cleaning up animal carcasses and studies for their MCAT since they are going into MedSchool and thinks that will give them power. It's the old technician who has seen numerous postdocs crash and burn with the thought that they are the special one who will change P&R while the technician has the ear of the PI.

And then there is that special person who takes it one step further and speaks up and tells people "you are not a real scientist since you don't have PhD" to their face.

And the kicker is that they don't seem to understand why it's offensive and making it impossible to work as a team. Never mind that they are wrong, oh so wrong they are. And that it is such a naive comment to make, and makes you look so small and misinformed. To disregard experience and the work that so many hand and heads in the lab contribute to. That science (STEM and biology is what I'm mainly talking about now since I'm mentioning lab work) is a team effort. That even if there is one PI seeing the bigger picture, writing grants, there is a lot of hands and thoughts and details getting in the way of the ego.... and that scientists come in different shapes, sizes, backgrounds, titles and knowledge areas.

It's similar to an old saying I had told to me in the scout movement and by military leaders in my leadership trainings;  "You're not a leader because you have a title. You're a leader because people follow you since they believe and trust you".

It's also called "if you have to call out in the room "I'm the boss/captain so you have to do what I say", your leadership is on the weakest ground/first step in the staircase of hierarchy and you don't have much in the long run. Authority is the position, that doesn't mean leadership which lies in the character of the person.

It's especially important if you are coming in new to a job, and your title is lab manager or lab supervisor - both titles that vary depending on where the job is, sometimes this requires a PhD, sometimes it doesn't. Whatever the requirements though, I would highly recommend a period of "look, see and gather information about the team" before making any big claims and statements. (Needless to say, I would never state anything as silly as "real scientist needs a PhD".) I would build confidence and trust with the new colleagues and lab members, as much or more as with the PI of the lab. Why?

It's a team sport this game we call science. The PI is the Captain/QB/Skipper/Coach depending on which sport we refer to and the rest of the lab take up various positions and depending on the time of the game, are of various importance at that specific time. An experienced lab technician who has been with the PI for a long time? Yep, crucial to the play. And, like a dishwasher (hello my old job) is key to get tables turned around fast in a restaurant to earn the money for the servers and seaters, someone to keep lab wear clean and sterile, changing animal cages, making regular solutions the same old reliable way are the backbone of repeatable, good and solid science.

And the absolute in the lab it trust. Trust that you know what you are doing at the bench. That you know when to ask for help. And that you realize that certain people in the lab know different things, and that the strength is in those differences and match ups. As long as you can make them all work together, towards a common goal, making al of them feel important and seen in their positions. That's a true leader, and something to strive for.

back in the saddle & planning new posts

It's like that saying "when you fall off the horse, you just get up in the saddle right away again". Why? Because you need to do it quickly to not overthink and over feel the scared feeling of falling. I should remember that. After all, I fell off horses a lot while training equestrian vaulting back in my youth and got back up again every time.

And still, more than three months since I wrote something here. Even more months since I opened my journal and wrote a longer piece.

I got a little wake up call a few weeks ago when I pulled a few 50+ hour work weeks, woke up at 5 am without an alarm even though I didn't go to bed until midnight and kept running around feeling wide eyed and having a cry at work.... Then I went on vacation and enjoyed no telephone, internet or work emails for a few days, plus hanging out at sea and in nature in the now so to speak.

Part of my "after vacation resolution" is to get better at doing things that keep me both mentally and physically in shape. The usual; sleeping, eating, working out, not over working, hanging out with friends, talking walks outside during work days and weekends. But also; reading physical books, writing blog posts and having time to do my side project (another sort of writing).

Since it has been a week since this "new regime" started; I have worked out every day (maybe not as long as I had dreamt about but 30 min is a good start), I have slept 7 hours every night and I have eaten porridge for breakfast every day - I have yet to attack the reading a book or writing a blog post, so here is it....

Life has been, I guess life? The last few years have had some struggles, maybe early midlife crisis ("what should I do with my life?") and some set backs in the dream department. There is nothing I would like to dwell in right now, considering this is my "back in the saddle, which should be short and sweet, bringing a happy feeling without dread for next time" blog post.

I have gotten increasing number and sizes of projects at work, and some of these have not been easy navigating. It's difficult for everyone working with unrealistic expectations in delivery when you look at the resources being offered and the time line to fix in under. Needless to say I've been repeating a lot "the best we can do with the allocated resources and the given time constraints" rather than "the best you can". The latter phrase usually leads to some Type A people working overtime and getting stressed since you know that "you can do better" and "it shouldn't just be good enough".

With that nugget/wisdom/pep talk/detailed focused nit picky comment, I leave you with a few areas that I am working on for the next blog posts during this year. If you want to make a comment/wish on which one to go first, please let me know.

1. Good team work is constant communication and support
2. Work-life balance in the time of "if you love what you do, it's not work"
3. Stories from the US South as a Northern European woman - the differences, the similarities and the exotic craze - nuggets like bbq, heat vs freezing, feminism, church, seer sucker vs tight fitting dark wash jeans, craft breweries, biking to work and living together without being married.
4. Science lab dynamics, the team sport like hockey
5. "I have a PhD, this job is beneath me"
6. Negotiation and diplomacy, best when coming from equal footing?
7. Are you spending your time on the right things, or the things you want to be right?
8. Setting expectations, an important part of delivering success
9. Conflict between the wet and the dry lab sides
10. Correct salutations - half the win when working with new people
11. Pit falls to avoid when starting in a new team with a new project - no presumptions

A silver lining

It's holiday time and it's not the easiest season for some of us. There's a lot of feeling in the air of "finishing up the year" and "how behind am I and I'm supposed to take off in the middle of it?". It's been too many long days and working late, and then the early morning wake up calls on wondering just a little on "why am I doing this?".

Well, every so often there comes that one moment when I realize why I do what I do. And why I feel that I try to make a difference. And that it is worth it. This week had one of those moments.

Part of my job is to handle a program where we share information and biological samples with academic researchers. If anyone wants something, they send me an email. This email address is spread around through PR campaigns and through websites. It also helps that my place of work is not unknown. One morning I saw an email from a parent, who has a child with a very rare serious disease. They were asking for help and wanted to get information on how to best treat their child. It's not the norm that non-researchers use the email. It's not for the public. However, it doesn't mean it's not answered. I reached out to the MDs and asked if they had any suggestions. Their response "we will take it from here, thank you!".

It may sound small. It may even sound like it didn't have much to do with me and my actions. But knowing that I was part of building this program, and running it everyday, being able to give a helping hand, to give some hope and connect people - that's a huge part of why I do what I do. Those moments, while they seem small, are what makes it worth it. Because while they might seem small, they are by no means insignificant. Rare diseases, and especially in children, are exactly that - rare. And if ever there was a time the saying "it takes a village" is appropriate - to me it is that time.

Being able to share information, treatments and unpublished results to help better and to make more understanding - that's something that is near and dear to my heart.

It was exactly the reminder that I needed at this time. When the world is going nuts with commercial shopping and unnecessary plastic gifts, the reality of what really matters is good to realize. That small moments of hope and action can make a huge difference in the course of a life.

marathon training, self esteem and confidence

Back in May I decided that this year was the time when I was going to run my first marathon. I grew up in a family where both my parents were runners. My mom sometimes used the way to/from work to jog her long runs. My dad ran marathons, the first when I was around 6 years old. My brother has run one as well. As we are a fairly competitive bunch, I started really feeling that I should do that when my brother ran his.

That said, I've never been the runner of the family. But I have been jogging since I was at university. I've been the slowest one in my family pretty much all the time. And I've been the chunkiest one. And I've been aware of this all the time but still kept going with a thought "at least I'm still doing it".

Move on to a few years back when I decided to challenge myself and the perception that maybe, if I was a slow jogger, I would gain some traction if I extended my distances? What I lack in speed, I make up in consistency and perseverance? So I signed up for my first half-marathon. It seemed like a good enough distance to be far enough that you have to train for it, and short enough it doesn't break the bank on completely committed and crazy.

My first half-marathon solidified my feeling that while I'm not in the group of "fast runners", I'm not last. None of this should matter of course. But this is part of the story of why I am and have had some issues with running groups and "sharing" with people.

You see, one of the biggest thing with runners is chasing time. You want to do a PR. You should want to be faster and beat this and that. And as a competitive person, I sure did that a lot when I started. I trained to be faster. I wanted to improve my PR. Every time out was an opportunity to go for max and it felt good to be exhausted in the end.

Then came an injury. I ignored it pretty well, and managed to run a half setting a PR while doing it. And then was 6 months of having pain, issues to walk and sit. And for sure not running or working out. After that I decided to take a little bit of a check on myself. Realizing that I'm older and maybe not in such a good shape that I should go for gold every single time but think about "how should I work out so I can keep doing this the rest of my life". Learning to listen to my body a little more. And trying to incorporate a little bit of calm into my workout routine.

So I started running without music. To force myself to be out in nature, running and being aware of my head, my breathing and taking a break from the rush rush, and finding a different feeling of running. I listen to pod casts at many of my longer runs nowadays. Like a companion but still able to choose when a few miles are just you and your thoughts. A few weeks ago I started running with a metronome to keep focusing on my cadence. That brought me back to my old times as a swimmer. Counting strokes, focusing on form, doing lap after lap. It's similar to the boxing bag and repeating punching series. And of course, the most obvious, playing scales with the flute. All of these repetitive things that makes me relaxed, yet focused and able to really tap into that strength and clear my mind and body.

Anyway, this was supposed to be about the marathon and what the training experience has given me so far.

It was a challenge at work to sign up, the company wanted to see x number of employees run the full marathon. And I thought, if not this year, when? and signed up. We got a little ribbon to put on our work badge, "to recognize each other and for others to see us".  I didn't want to put on my ribbon, I'm not much for telling people private things and this marathon was a private thing. Sometime later in the summer one of the reps ran into me on campus and asked "why aren't you wearing the ribbon?". I mentioned that I wasn't comfortable with it, at this point I hadn't told anyone I was training for a marathon, it was my goal, my idea and my time.

The rep started to tell me "it's an accountability thing, if you tell people you will not back out but you will run". I explained, as nicely as I could, that I don't function that way since so far if I sign up for something and say I will do it, I will. It's not about outside pressure to do it (sometimes it's actually just the opposite). Anyway, the rep continued to say "it's a leadership quality, to show that you are willing to do something that you have never done before (run a marathon/and in my case put on a badge and 'brag' at work)". I told them I would think about it, and waited for the feeling that it would be ok to have he ribbon on, to be "visible" and to "brag" about something.

You see, there's a lot of self esteem things riding on this "being a runner". And then there is a lot of questions about time. "how fast are you aiming to run the marathon?" (answer: First one I'm aiming to finish, no time thought).

The one thing I can say after doing this training for 5 months, it takes time. And a lot of people are focused on time, as in speed. I'm trying to plod along. Trying to feel good about the fact that I'm logging miles, regardless of the speed. I started training in the summer. That means a lot of runs in 90F/34C weather. I've grown to be quite ok with going out and doing it in those conditions. Am I fast? Nope. Do I like running in heat? Not really but I've grown to appreciate it more and more. Do I do it and feel better afterwards? Yes.

And this brings us to the reason that I'm ranting away on this post right now. I mentioned earlier that I have run half-marathons before. The longest I have run before starting this training for the marathon has been 13.34 miles (last half-marathon race). I was a little bit nervous, yet excited, to run further. My first longer run than that happened to be in the afternoon a sunny hot day and I was scheduled to do 15.5miles. It was not a great choice, it was really sunny and hot. I didn't feel great about it, but I did it and then came a lot of doubt. "Can I really do a full, those 15 miles were abysmal".

Well, next weekend rolled around and according to my schedule it was time for a 16 mile run. I woke up earlier in the morning and went out and did the training. It was a cool, crisp morning with clouds and no shining sun. And when I finished I felt spectacular. Not just my body (legs were tired obviously) but the feeling in my mind and the self esteem was back. "well, perhaps I can do this!"

So, I kept plodding away with my schedule. And soon came the longest distance I should run before the race; 19 miles. (Side note, I need to point out that a lot of people who train for marathons don't run the full course before the actual race. This is especially true if you are slower since after a certain number of hours, your body doesn't build up but rather breaks down. And also, the experienced people keep saying that if you can do 19-22miles/30-36km, you can do 26 miles/42km since the last part is perseverance, mental and correct hydration/energy planning.) To say I was nervous would be true. I was a little scared that I would hurt myself (5 months of training down the drain) and curious on how I would feel coming into those 17, 18 miles.... Needless to say it wasn't as bad as I dreaded it, but wasn't flawless. But the real joy came afterwards when I updated my friends on the progress and none of them asked for my time but focused on "how did it feel".

It's probably fairly obvious that while I'm saying that "everyone else" is focused on time, the one who focuses the most on it is me. Well, I'm a work in progress and not really over the fixation yet. For now though, I'll take the happy feeling that I am 3/4 on the way to my race distance wise. And that after this weekend coming up I am in tapering mode and will not have to do over 10 miles. I will need to keep the focus and keep training and really starting the thing I deep down dread the most; early morning runs in the dark. Why? Because the race is in the morning and my body is not a great morning body.

To sum this post up; I am happy to have found that the marathon training have helped me deal with my self esteem issues and move forward, maybe not in the way that I thought it would when I started - that's an added bonus. And that nothing matters as much as "routine" since "doing something" is better than "doing nothing". Fingers crossed for me keeping the mental happiness through the big race!

Being offered a 6-figure job

There are times when I marvel at the situation and think, even in the moment, this is going to be an awesome story to tell later! Then there are times when I was too gob smacked to consider anything but to process what was currently happening at that specific moment.

I went looking in my blog to find a story that relates to the one I'm about to tell. Alas, I've forgotten when I wrote it down and didn't find it. If I do, I'll add the link. Anyway, there was a story back in the day when I was fairly new to Southern city. I was going home in the late evening on a Friday and pulled into a gas station in the not-best-part-of-town. Beggars can’t be chosers and when you need gas, it’s late and you live in a place not close to a gas station open at night, you end up in the one that you drive by on the way home. Anyhow, that story ended with me being offered a job as a stripper since I was so exotic looking (yes, I’m very white and I’m not from around here). Statements like "you would make so much more than working as in the hospital" and "you can start tonight!". The follow up that I mentioned to someone who stated I should be offended by the job offer (from the potential colleague stripper) was that I was sort of flattered. Back home, I would not fit the standards of strippers. They have more fit looking bodies. And at the time I had lost a couple of pounds and gotten some muscles so I took it as positive, sort of.

Well, that was many years ago and then last year happened. In Las Vegas. At a casino during a large conference. And yes, there was a few incidents but nothing tops what happened that one night. Private industry party in a penthouse on the Strip. I’m being the plus one, so I’m smiling and being generally polite and attentive. Playing my part, while having very much fun. I find it quite easy to have fun at a free party, with live music, drinks and a view of The Strip in the evening when on vacation. Who wouldn't?! Instead of schmoozing with the important conference people, even a plus one woman needs a break at times, I started chatting with some of the other women present. Granted, I knew before chatting with them that they were working the party and not being the main guests.

Bingo. Did I ever use the phrase correctly. After a little "wow this is a fun party" chatter, I hear them tell me that I would easily get a 6-figure job, like they have. At this time, I will admit, I did a double take since not only was I at least 10 years older*, neither a size 0-4 with 34Cish which they all seemed to be. Yes, exactly. Stereotypical me. Bingo. Working the party. Anyway, trying to save face and not look shocked I laughed and went down a route I've used before; “I’m not exactly a thin model like you are. And I’m old. But it's nice of you to say.” To which they answered sounding very sincere “Honey, Vegas loves every type of woman. You’d easily get that money. And more.”

Cue smiles and going for more drinks - I really didn't want to get into exchanging information to apply or so. Exit party with a smile, such a crazy evening. I’m still processing when we end up in a hotel bar for some chatting and a night cap. Being the polite woman I am, I'll fix some drinks for the others. Walking up to the bartender I decide to go to the bar between two women, who are both engaged in talking to a man each. I think it’s perfect to slide in between them since they are not only women, but not there together and I can order the drinks for the guys at the table. Said and done. All of as sudden one of the women says something snarky and shoves an elbow in my side. I'm about to turn around to ask if I did something to offend her when the other woman leans towards me and says “Honey, don’t take it personally, she is negotiating price for the night and doesn’t want you to compete”.

Huh? What now? This again? Do I look like a lady of the night? My dress isn't short by modern day standards and you can see way less than half of top of my boobs, which makes me one of the most covered women at the casino. I am wearing a pair of 3 inch heels, but really that's it. At this point I’ve decided to just roll with the punches so I smile at both of them and say loudly while pointing at the table where the people I’m picking up drinks for are sitting. "That’s my man over there, and his friends. No worries, I have no interest in anyone else". I grab the drinks and walk back. About halfway to the table it occurs to me that they most likely think I’m like them anyway and I have already secured my "man for the night". Oh well, what's a girl to do?

The morale of the story? 

At the evening in question I took it in stride and thought that it was sort of flattering that these women who were very beautiful thought that I would be able to hack it. (Hello comparative body thoughts and other weird things, there is something odd to feel confirmed that you are considered attractive enough. Oh world.) The next day though, and evening when I did a retake of what had happened I got a little less optimistic. Why? Well, to be honest - a lot of the couples I saw in Las Vegas (at the casinos) were lopsided so to speak. It wasn't obvious that a couple were together, they differed not only in age or shape, but also in style. Sure, it can be that people are more open about everything and it is vacation time but I would venture a guess and say that there are probably more "companions" available for a good time in Vegas than elsewhere.

Also, the thing that I normally don't think about as much living in the South - where it isn't unusual that men pick up the check for dinner  - I don't think I saw any woman paying for her drinks or food. Always men picking up the tab and waving the credit card. Sure, this could be a coincidence. Or it could be that the man usually pays during vacation? Or any number of other things, like I'm being way too sensitive about the splitting check/paying rounds. And there was a pretty big entertainment fight that had people fly in from all over the continent that might have skewed the set, but still - left a little strange aftertaste. (I know, I think too much).

Lucky for me, I'm almost certain I get to make another observation later this year going there to increase my n or 1 to an n of 2. How's that for science backed conclusions...

International Women's Day

So, another year and another International Women's Day. It's not surprising to me anymore when I encounter my coworkers who have no idea what this day is. (It never happened in Sweden, everyone knew about it.) However, there is a feeling in some of my female coworkers and friends this year that I am excited about. It's a feeling that maybe, maybe 2018 will be the year when some more ceilings get shattered, when some more borders will be broken and the goalposts be moved into another area.

It's partly based on the fact that the new generation, the ones who are about to graduate high school are giving people a "the emperor has no clothes on him" moment every so often. They don't understand why there would be a difference between people. Sure, they have grown up with old Disney and lots of hyper sexualized pictures and comics - but they have also grown up in a world where someone can have one mom, or two moms, or two dads or even living with your single dad... not to forget Mulan, Frozen and last year Wonder Woman. If you haven't seen the New Wonder Woman movie - I implore you, go see it. I wasn't interested and such didn't watch it in the movies. I did see it on a plane during a holiday though. And I ended up watching it twice. The battle scene. And the boat scene. And the training with amazons scenes. And ... well, a lot of scenes actually.

And I cried. I know it might sound silly but there is something that moves inside you fundamentally when watching a movie and realizing that it connects to you, and that you don't have to look at the one or two women roles and listen to them talk about their boy friends. Or for that matter, not even have a woman in the movie and you accept it and feel like the main male character. That you watch a movie about a woman who just does what needs to be done, and doesn't care about what "she's supposed to do".

I've shifted a little last year. I conscientiously decided to not watch TVseries that "investigates the crime of a dead girl" or similar. I've been a huge thriller watcher and avid reader of "all the books" but have slowly but surely moved away from these "generic crime books/TV series". Why? Because I think, the same way as I think watching my Facebook feed everyday, connects with my brain and gives me micronegative feelings that aren't helpful for me. I've tried to find uplifting and motivational movies and TVSeries. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to "self help books" but rather stuff that have either strong female leads, or altered realities where things are slightly different than our present day. I read books by women, about women and with women in them that have overcome obstacles and even those who haven't. Just to feel a little more like "this is it".

I digress, as usual.

My hope for 2018 is similar as every year, and I feel that there might be an opportunity here to actually continue to make change, to move towards a more equal society where women aren't generalized into a stereotype automatically (whore/madonna, mother/barren, girl/crone)...

How I intend to do this? Network, be supportive and give money to the right places that can help. I've expanded my network at work and in my field, where we are a few women in similar ages/peers who give each other support and strategy ideas on how to overcome obstacles and to place ourselves in various positions to move ahead. I'm a mentor, both formally and informally, to a couple of younger women who pick my brain about things every so often. I also connect them with others so they can expand their network. And I give money to political campaigns and Choice organizations, mostly locally here where I live. Side bar; If you live in the USA, now's the time to start looking for all those political races for the midterm election coming up. Take a look at your local elections and the issues the candidates are running on and look how you can contribute. If not with money, maybe with time and energy to the various causes.

And finally, last but not least, something that is near and dear to my heart: Doctors Without Borders and Kiva. Two organizations that change the world and try so hard to make it a better place for children, women and men all over the earth. Kiva will match your contributions to women if you make them today March 8th!

You can find practical tips and links to my old posts here

Vacation is good for you (until you come back...)

I had quite the start of the new year. A couple of day, well to be honest weeks, of vacations and trips. I didn't realise that some stuff has been draining me. It took going to the Hockey Town of the World to realize that I really needed to get away and sleep. Oh and how I slept. Glorious 10 hours of sleep a night. At least for a few days when the vacation started. Like I said, it took me awhile to realize what my brain has been telling me for a little bit.

Also, I can totally recommend going to Toronto in February. You get blues skies, sun and then a little bit later snow and ice. Perfect for long walks, both in the PATH and outside, and relaxing in coffee shops and microbreweries.

Not to mention, going to Hockey Hall of Fame and Air Canada Center for some games with the lovely Maple Leafs.

If only one didn't get so behind on work while being away.... it's crunch time for some dead lines. I'm dreaming away and sharing some photos. Until next time! (Got some thoughts on mentoring and networking for starters.)

Sister of night

There's something special about travelling at night. I've had this feeling many times, yet every time I encounter it I feel a slight jolt of surprise. It's a little bit like coming home. A feeling of familiar. A feeling of safe. A feeling of nothing in the world can rattle me, since it's all hidden in the dark. All the faults are dimmed, all the sharp noises are just a little more thudding. And there is some much opportunity.

I'm not a morning person. At the same time, I'm probably the most a morning person now than I have ever been in my life. I have even gotten to like the idea of morning exercise. So odd.

Still though, nothing beats the quiet of night. The darkness of night. The stillness. It's like the world is taking a deep breath and everything is just there, waiting, not stressed and letting me breathe out and take in the stars and the sky, let all the thoughts wonder freely and have no constraints.

I remember being in my dorm room when I was a first year university student, laying on the floor having a clear view of the sky through the window, in an all dark room with some of my favorite music on the stereo filling my ears. Complete calm, and just the awesomeness of being.

And the same feeling, sitting outside in my garden (what everyone else apparently calls 'backyard' here in the South) in the dark night, staring into the sky and enjoying the night and my thoughts.

This is similar being on a train, in a plane or - my absolute favorite - driving a car on a deserted dark road on a summer night with the windows down and the music flowing while the car speeds through the night. The wind running through my hair, the adventures opening up.

Or, as today, staring out through the window of the plane, seeing all the flickering lights far down on the ground while the Super moon is glowing on the horizon and shining the light. The notion that for a few hours I can't be reached, I can't be asked to do things, I don't have to feel the musts. All I have to be is "to be". I can be alone with my thoughts and relax.

Time to get on with it and enjoy the flight. Dream away.


(and yes, if you have read this before(one of you maybe?)  - there has been a post or two about my love for the night and the happy times I feel. Here is that post, a 12 days of Christmas.)

There is Sunshine Outside the Ivory Tower (shameless selfpromoting...)

So I have been on a podcast..... Earlier this fall I got asked to be on a podcast talking about my career, how I left post-docing, and a little bit about what choices I made doing so. We had a good talk about "how it looks in hindsight", "are you happier professional now than before" and "it's about believing in yourself". It's up/out now if you want to take a listen?!

There is Sunshine Outside the Ivory Tower, episode 7

(and yes, it might be a little self-promoting but that's how the world works, isn't it? And the Podcast - without my episode - is very good and brings up very good points on "finding a new place after leaving academia". It's a tricky thing, those pesky feelings and ambitions.)

happy listening!

"Be able to ask someone else, not you, and go through the experiment with you to see if there’s something you can salvage. Get a pep talk and get someone else to evaluate things” – chall

can't buy happiness - but sometimes you sort of can

"You can't buy happiness". That's the sentiment of a lot of self-help books and internet sites. "You need to look into yourself and find the source of your happiness there".

While I don't disagree on a larger scale, clearly there are a lot of unhappy rich people whom we can see sprawled all over the newspapers and internet every day, I would say that a lot of unhappiness (uncertainty and insecurity) can come from not having enough money and that some parts of happiness can be bought.

At least from where I'm sitting right now, having has another conversation with one of my friends who is really trying to get it all together. They are in the same boat as a few of my coworkers. It's clear to me that a few hundred more a month would make a huge difference to them. It's not that they are poor, not per se. They have a place to stay, the have a full time job, it's just that they have no margins at all. Holidays are not on the margin list, not really.

I can tell that the biggest issue for some of my "examples" are that they are single. And with that I mean, they live alone. I know that my biggest saving ever came when I moved in with someone (even when I was footing the majority of the bills and paying for two - I had more money than when I was single). Why? Because it was so much easier to socialize at home as a couple than being a single person and staying in meant most of the time - not meeting anyone. It's also not only boring but difficult to cook for one for cheap, it'll be two or more portions of most anything you try.

The staying in is not the key thing, obviously. It's that the base line cost of living in a place; rent, tv, cleaning supplies, everything else that you have in a place regardless of if you are one or two (or three or more) is pretty high. It's not exponentially more expensive when you add people, the flat fee for being single is always going to be much more. And that makes it hard for someone who has a fairly low salary/wage to save up and then have margins. And that's even without the added "please deposit two months salary for an appartment".

I know I read a number somewhere, but I don't remember where and to be fair I don't remember the exact number, where it was stated that about this much a year makes people feel safe and happy. More money than that isn't adding to their happiness, but less money than that increases the unhappy feeling and sense of security.

This "sometimes it's just a small difference to you, but it's huge to someone else" is a point I'm trying to make now when the Holidays are coming around in the United States. First Thanksgiving and then Christmas and other religious holidays. There is an increase in asking for donations and money for people to help them. To give a good meal. To be able to help with warm clothes etc. It's the season and so on.

I'm not trying to sound like a saint here, I'm really not, but for the last five to ten years my family and I have been removing "gifts to each other" at various occasions - Mother's day, Father's day, Birthdays and even Christmas - with donations to good causes. It started since we have some long time standing volunteering going on with Medecins Sans Frontieres/Doctors without Borders. And I have worked with vaccines and developments for a long time so why not donate to "pure drinking water for a year" or "vaccinations against measles in children". When I moved to the USA I found Heifer and Kiva, not to mention a lot of local charities who focus on the city I live in, and it seemed like a good idea to expand on.

On a smaller, closer scale I try and make some meaningful gifts for the people I see close to me. It's a little trickier, I won't lie about that. I'm fortunate that I can do a lot of things I want to and it doesn't mean that I worry about my retirement or my present day rent. I see how much a gift card of $10 to a popular coffee chain makes someone I work with very happy since they can indulge in one expensive drink one day without feeling that they broke the bank. Or the good quality gloves I donated to the "men's wardrobe" last year that one of the workers wanted to have for himself rather than giving it to a homeless man since they looked too expensive to waste on someone who could never buy them themselves... Or giving a dinner gift card to celebrate an 10 year anniversary at work or as a big "Thank you". 

I am aware that this might make me sound entitled or that it might make people feel uncomfortable but there are ways to make it less odd and power balancy. I make it clear that these are not "reciprocal" gifts. It's not that I expect that back (some people will try but that's missing the point since I know I have more money than they and the point was to help them), but that I would like to do something nice for someone. Again, it't not super easy to get this to be non-weird, but if you have some sort of relationship with people it can be done. And also that I personally think it is what you should do as a "manager" or someone "higher up" in the job hierarchy.

In my old job I tried to get the Boss to consider giving the cleaning people and the low paid administrator something extra for the Holidays. Partly because I estimated that Boss made well over five times than the others did, partly because I knew that there was a discretionary fund that could be used. Well, it didn't fly and there was no holiday gifts. I won't lie though, I was pretty happy when my coworkers approved of my idea on Boss' day that we all donated to Heifer and gave a goat to a family in need instead of some flowers and stuff.

For me nowadays? I give "Flock of Hope", measles vaccine, quick testing of malaria, tetanus shots, microloans to sustain a family, or teaching girls to read and write, a Thanksgiving box for families who don't have the means and print these gift certificates for my family and friends. Most of the times it's appreciated much more than random gift certificates with money getting swapped around since "we should exchange gifts". 

I will see how a Flock of chicks plays in the Dirty Santa game we play at work in a month. Maybe it will be stolen more than the "salt stone lamp to increase healthy air"someone brought last year?