It's been a while.... Happy Fourth!

Like that song from the early aughts

"it's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been a while
Since I first saw you"

(Staind) 

It's been on my mind since the inauguration of the 47th President and all the changes. I've missed the writing. Well, that's not entirely true. While I've missed the writing here, I have written things outside of here. However, I miss the discourse, the academic conversation, the idea that we did listen to experts and like science. 

As a trained infectious diseases PhD, who works in science and think that clinical trials and scientific discourse will save the lives of people and/or give better quality of life - the last couple of months have been ..... let's say disheartening.

During the weekend of the Fourth of July celebrations - The Birth of USA and the celebration of this (once) great nation - I found the wine that gave me some hope at the back of the bottle. (I'm a simple person, it doesn't take much.)

Let's see if I start posting in this ancient way more regularity. I think it would be helpful. For my peace of mind if nothing else.

the listening to what others think we should do, the academic conversation about the philosophical and moral quanderies that are about it in world. Or, very simply said - I miss the science conversation in the public. Before the lack ofvaccine 

"No, not pregnant, just fat" - World Childless Week 2022

It seems like yesterday, to be fair it was only a few weeks ago (again), when I was asked if I was pregnant. It was in context of a book I'd purchased so it wasn't to do with my body shape per se, but it's not the first time I've been asked. Granted, I thought this would be a thing of years past. Since I'm now of an age where I personally don't think anyone should ask if I'm pregnant. (Not that there really is a good time for anyone to ask anyone if their pregnant but still.... )

When people ask nowadays if I have children I choose between answering
a) no
b) no, unfortunately not
c) no, that didn't work out
d) I would've loved to but that didn't happen

depending on the situation. Years ago I would've said "no" and nothing else. 

Possibly, I'm now more tired of the presumption that I'm childless since I chose to be childless which is why option b-d is more likely in conversations. Although that opens up for the comments like "aww, have you thought of IVF?" or "there's so many options of having a family today" or "have you considered adoption?". And depending on my mood, if I'm inclined to answer these - coming from a good place yet not the best to say most of the time- statements.

Then again, I'd be the first to acknowledge the journey this have been and how it's evolved in regards to sadness, denial, agony, helplessness, bitterness, envy, hopelessness, resignation, bargaining, acceptance and other feelings that arise when the world, hope&dreams and you are not in alignment.

If there is anything I would like people to consider and know re this topic? 

That IVF isn't the end all solution to childless people. I know that the feeling of many is that IVF is successful. Yet, there is a lot of people and cases who don't succeed with a live baby in the end of an IVF cycle. And with a lot of people, I mean less than 25% are successful. And that is without factoring in age factors. So, not a panacea for all the childless hoping people.

Regardless of my IVF comment above, main issue for me with childlessness is that it's something that is complex and deeply personal. Also probably something that the average person doesn't talk about too much (even though the percentage of people having children is decreasing) since it is complicated and have a lot of feelings involved.

Anyhooo.... this week is World Childless Week and you can find the program here: https://worldchildlessweek.net/

TLDR; remember situation today was intentionally created

TLRD (too long, didn't read) is a great acronym for when things get carried away in explanations and then in the end of a long rant you want to make it easier to grasp "what is it I wanted to say".

I really had planned writing about #covid19 and how international travel has made me be very tired lately.

However, as with best laid plans, they aren't where you end up. I'll write about the covid19 things later. For tonight I feel that I want to clarify something that's been eating me up when listening and being asked to comment on current situation in the USA.

As an immigrant in the USA, living for over 13 years in the South of USA, I feel that I have gathered a lot of information and insight into things that I barely grasped when moving.

I grew up in an intellectual family in Sweden. Lots of reading, lots of politics, lots of knowledge of history. My formative years were times discussing South Africa (apartheid), the Palestine-Israel conflict, USA in Vietnam, colonial powers in general (France and Algeria for example) and Chilean (really several South American countries) dictatorship. I thought I had grasped quite a lot as a protected white native Swede. As one does when reading and meeting a lot of people and discussing on a theoretical level.

However, as usual, when living in the place where things happen - you grasp a different angle. You are forced to encounter situations that you never thought would happen (especially not when you perceive yourself as "knowing"). And most of all, you learn to be humble to a degree that is leaving you with only a few choices. One of them is "I will listen to and accept the reality that these people describe to me is their reality".

And that's what happened when I moved to the South.

I realized after half a year living in the South that something was off. What? Well, at starters I didn't - at the time - feel that my reality was that different from living in Sweden. (In hindsight, which is as we all know 20/20, that's a given red flag that something is strange..... ) My city where I lived was demographically very different from the Sweden city I grew up in.

To make it easy; my home city was easily 90% white, my new city was over 60% African-American. Despite this, the bars and restaurants (and church and work) where I hung out were probably at least 80% white. Or at least "as similar to my home town that I didn't feel that it was too different".

This gave me pause and made me question a few things. Mainly where I was hanging out, why this was and if there was something else on how this was happening.

(side note; it was like this partly because at the time I hung out with other white immigrants at the places they showed me, and then some other places where "middle-class/affluent" people frequented.)

After a few more years in the South I had gathered anecdotal evidence that I'm "passing as an American, specifically a white American woman" and that this fact opened a lot of doors for me. Note, the doors that opened were also where people greeted me as "you're not a real immigrant" since it was perception I spoke English as a native language in my home country Sweden (we speak Swedish), and I am a Christian, and - of course - being white.

However, that's not the point of this blog post. The points of this blog post are to link to a few articles that explain fundamental historical facts that has made the situation we are in today. Where African-Americans and People of Colour (PoC) are more likely to get shot, get arrested, get non-invited for interviews, get looked upon with distrust etc.

It's too long (as I mentioned in the beginning, it's a long story) for me to be succinct.

I mainly want you to know one fact I've learned after all this time living in the South.

It's intentional politics that have gotten us where we are. It's intentional to hinder non-whites and non-wanted people from voting. From owning their own homes. From having the thriving neighborhoods that once were. From excluding a lot of the history about this from schools and public education. (Like the fact that schools in Oklahoma didn't include the Tulsa Massacre in 1921 in the public school curriculum until this fall in 2020 (and who knows how that will happen now with covid).)

The reconstruction after the civil war, the backlash, the Jim Crow laws and the Civil Rights Movement and voting rights. And that are the voting rights that are hot contested in the USA today. It's not like in Sweden, and other EU countries, where you are automatically registered to vote on your 18th birthday - no action required. Nope, there is a process to get registered to vote, and on top of that the voting day is a regular work day with complications to get time off if you aren't a salaried worker.

And the fact that USA system, while it is a lot based on income and that there are a lot of poor white people as well, is based on a right that was for a very long time classifying a non-white African-American as 3/5 of a person. And that the District of Columbia being classified a district and not a state, therefore not having representation in the House of Representatives, is stemming from the fact that there was only "State representatives from real States, and slaves and servants" living there, and since the State representatives and their aides had voting in their home states - there was no need for the other people to have voting/representation rights.

To me, there is no way to see all these historical facts and not draw the conclusion - this is not "natural" this is a "created, systematical way of excluding people that are not wanted".

At the bottom are some links for further reading. There are many many more. And if you ever come by Memphis - the National Civil Rights Museum is a must. It'll take you more than 3 hours to go through it and you will still learn more things afterwards. There is a lot to take in. And it will not be easy. It is difficult things to see and understand.

Final comment; "If not now, when?" There is no waiting. It will be painful to acknowledge that regardless of your own intention or wanting, if you are white - there is a huge burden to take on and work on making things right and just. Nothing else to say or make excuses. It's something we just have to do. And it starts by listening to other peoples' experiences and acknowledging that there are a lot of things we have to change. Now.

Links to read:
Segregation myth - Richard Rothstein This is a GREAT explanation and video interview of the systematic idea behind suburbs among other things
NY Times 1619 project 
Role of Highways in America - The Atlantic
Highway protests - Facing South
Reconstruction era - black congress members
Breaking up slave families

42km/26.2miles - again?! why? (marathon musings)

I realized that I never did follow up on my post about marathon training last year . Together with my earlier musings this year in regards to Lessons learned post I put up, I feel that it might be a good idea to do follow up....

So, in short I ran the marathon after 6 months of training. Like a lot of people will say, the race didn't go according to plan. I woke up to thunderstorms, delayed start, pouring rain like you wouldn't believe and then more delayed start. When the start happened the sun was up and the course was pretty much without shade, it was 96% humidity and unusually hot for being in December (80F/26C) in the shade. I had a sneaky feeling at 10 miles when I wanted to use the restroom to pee that I was in trouble since there was no way I really needed that. Especially since I know that one of the signs to flash "you're in dehydration" mode, is the feeling that I need to pee. Strange, yet there it is.

I still felt pretty ok about it all when I saw a runner getting taken off the course at mile 12 (medics pulled them off). And then the runner who almost ran into a tree. And then runner who was all gray in their face, walking slowly and then threw up next to me. At that point I started to think "what is the most important thing for me?". And it wasn't about finishing on a good time, it was finishing strong. So, I started walking a little and took it slow and steady.

I picked up the pace again closer to the finish line, once I hit 22 miles I felt safe to run "as fast as I could to get in goal" and did my last mile as the fastest mile of the whole race. Happiness for me! I crossed the finish line, got my participation medal, snapped a few photos with it and went to the hydration and food stance. Called my parents and talked about the race, still feeling pretty good about it all. And then the strangest thing happened when I met with my partner (in hindsight I should've seen it coming but I am good at ignoring certain things) - I started crying and mumbling that I hadn't done a good race. There were so many emotions all at once. Not only tired, but "not as tired as I thought I would be" (since I hadn't pushed myself as much since I was scared of the dehydration and belly cramps). Not as fast as I had hoped, which I had told myself all alone was never going to be the goal - "first race is to finish, not for time".

It all felt a bit better after the cry, the hugs and "you're being silly sweetie, you did great", and of course the glorious shower once I got home. And hydration fluids and a little bit of food. And more rest.

All in all, looking at the scale and the weighing before carbo loading, before the race and after the race - I lost over 6 pounds in water weight that day. I was seriously nervous about how little fluids I had left in my body (pee colour I've never seen before...) but I kept up with hydration two more days and then I had my annual physical. (Wouldn't recommend it but there is was.) My labs were excellent by the way, go me and hydration!

So, why do I bring this up now? Well, because I have gone and signed up for another marathon to do soon. And this time around my anxiety (competitiveness) is ramping up and I have to face a few uncomfortable truths.

I've always detested "the second time". I had to do my driver's license test twice and I was way more nervous the second time than the first. The first was "you just go and try", the second was "if you fail now you really aren't good". In short, stakes were/are higher the repeat time than the first. In theory, I should be faster this second time than my first race. But that's in theory, not a given. And it is a chance I will fail at that.

I got a good eye opener the other week when talking to a colleague about the training and how the running is going when they asked; "who are you running for? It doesn't sound like you look forward to this". And I thought to myself, "hm, that's an interesting thing.. I am way more nervous about this time around. I want to make a better time than last year, and I would like to feel better afterwards. But if I don't make a better time, how will I feel?". I answered them that this is one of the reasons I wanted to do it a second time, to prove to myself that I can do it "when I know what I am getting myself into and see if I can repeat what I did".

Funny enough (?), until I was on the course last year I never would've thought that I couldn't finish. All my training was still while never having doubt. I did my training program, kept at it and chafing and all, I still kept slogging along. It was while I was on the course, during the race, that I realized that it could go pear shaped at any time. That my training had been good, but at that point there were a lot of choices that I could make that would make things very difficult and that it wasn't at all clear that I would finish just because I had started (after all, more than 500 people of the 3000 who started didn't finish). And that knowledge - the doubt and the knowledge on how fickle the weather and life can be - is more prevalent this time around.

It's one of the things I have realized more and more the older I get, a trait (skill?) I have that isn't in everyone - the ability of shutting down and just keep going. Sometimes it's a good trait, sometimes it would've been better to stop and leave - accept that the situation is horrid and there's nothing you can do and you need to get out. I'm not saying it's all great to "persevere", sometimes it's plain dumb and I have certainly a few experiences that I would do differently if they came about today.

However, there are times - like when you are pushing yourself to jog 26.2 miles in a go - that the ability of not questioning "why am I doing this" but focusing on "one more mile, then I'll take a sip of water" is a good trait to have. The other benefit for me doing this is that I have to get over myself mentally - especially when I do my long runs. I have to get my brain in gear and think "I can do this". Somewhere during the run my brain will start spewing negative thoughts, not only doubt but "you're too slow", "you're too fat to do this", "why do you keep trying", "start walking and turn around to go home" etc. I've mentioned before, and it's probably all too obvious in my previous posts, that I am a champion in having these less than supportive self esteem thoughts. The good thing though is that it's really hard for my brain to do those thoughts after a long run when the body and brain is drenched in dopamine and my muscles have used up adrenalin and I lay panting on the floor hurting everywhere.

And I'm smart enough to remember that feeling when my brain comes knocking saying "hey, you're on mile 4, let's go home instead of doing another 12 miles". That's when the stubbornness kicks in and states "keep going, it'll be over soon enough and you will feel great afterwards".

All in all, what I wanted to say with this post is:
If you wanted to do a marathon - go ahead and train! Give yourself at least 6 months. I had done 6 half marathons before, and would recommend at least one half marathon before a full so you know how you feel after 2hours of jogging/running.
It's a lot of mental training to keep training and to keep running. And it gives you a different perspective on a lot of things. And if you can do it without music (which I recommend), it's an amazing time to be alone with your thoughts and really tap into feeling your body, breathing and everything.
And I really hope that my second marathon race will feel at least as good as the first. Fingers crossed!


TLDR: I hope I feel happy after my second marathon than my first. It was a lot of emotions and expectations in one day. And I want to prove to myself I can repeat this training and race a second time since now I know what I can expect from the race - and it's going to be tough. Mainly overcoming my own expectations and shortcomings.

being a failure vs having failed at something

There's a motivational quote that goes along the lines of "if you don't try at anything, you can't fail" and "you never fail until you stop trying". I'm not much for motivational quotes. I do however keep some demotivators as my screen saver at work since my humor is dark, and cynism has kept me from falling into the deep pit of despair a lot of times. You can't cry if you are laughing (well, you can but the saying is "laugh or cry")

The thing with the motivational quote in regards to failure is that I do think there is some merit to the saying. If you try something you have never done before there is a chance that you will not be able to do it (aka fail doing it). The problem is not with having failed at something. Learning from what you failed at doing is probably one of the best way to learn how to do something right. Not the only way though, and not always the best, but one of the ways. It is also true (in my humble opinion) that "just because you failed the first time, doesn't mean that you will keep failing".

One of bigger issues is when there is a switch in wording from "I have failed" to "I am a failure". It's a pretty common word play - at least based on the stories I hear at work, and the fears I hear vocalized from people I interact with. That the failure of doing R means that you are defined by R and now you are a failure. And that the failure is in everything, or at least in more things that one thing you initially failed at.

Personally, I have faced this particular piece of thinking a couple of times in my life so far (no surprise here). Maybe that is why I am so good at explaining it to others, yet failing a few key times with myself - no one is perfect...

Most recently I found myself talking to a friend who was walking in a circle around this particular argument. They have failed at something, something that a lot of people do and succeed with, and now they feel that they are a failure. That this something defines them and they keep thinking that success in general would mean no set backs and no failures - ever.

I saw a tweet a few months back in regards to people asking PIs to post their "failure CV" as in stating "applied for and got rejected for 5 R01s", "applied for 48 jobs before landing this one perfect job". While I like the idea, to be able to acknowledge that life isn't a full line of (easy or hard) successes, I can't help but think this is part of the issue that makes it even more difficult to not look at oneself as a failure.

Why? Because there are people who will never succeed with their dreams of getting an R01. They will not have the time to keep trying over and over. Like a lot of us knows, there's a finite time frame for most TT and if you haven't succeeded with an R01 by then, then you are out. Same with people who want to become actresses,  writers, partners, grandparents, truckers or anything else that people dream about. Very select few can keep trying the same thing over and over again to wait for that one time of success. This doesn't mean that everyone who does not succeed with what they set out to do are failures. Not failures as people, nor failures in general. I know that there are people who would say "but you shouldn't shy away from accepting that there is failure in life and that means that you failed". I don't. I shy away from defining it as "they are a failure".

There are a lot of failures in the world, I know. But there is something special to attribute the word "failure" to a person. A ship can be a failure (think Titanic). A plane can be a failure (think 737 Max8). Dinner was a failure (everything burns and is undercooked at the same time). However, Person P isn't a failure if they failed getting into grad school. They failed at getting into grad school.

To me that is a very important difference that bears reminding. We are more than a failure or a success story. We are the sum of all our failures and successes and it's not like math where the pluses and minuses add up since we are not math, we are people. People with experiences to live through, and learn from. And there are so many experiences in a life time.

back in the saddle & planning new posts

It's like that saying "when you fall off the horse, you just get up in the saddle right away again". Why? Because you need to do it quickly to not overthink and over feel the scared feeling of falling. I should remember that. After all, I fell off horses a lot while training equestrian vaulting back in my youth and got back up again every time.

And still, more than three months since I wrote something here. Even more months since I opened my journal and wrote a longer piece.

I got a little wake up call a few weeks ago when I pulled a few 50+ hour work weeks, woke up at 5 am without an alarm even though I didn't go to bed until midnight and kept running around feeling wide eyed and having a cry at work.... Then I went on vacation and enjoyed no telephone, internet or work emails for a few days, plus hanging out at sea and in nature in the now so to speak.

Part of my "after vacation resolution" is to get better at doing things that keep me both mentally and physically in shape. The usual; sleeping, eating, working out, not over working, hanging out with friends, talking walks outside during work days and weekends. But also; reading physical books, writing blog posts and having time to do my side project (another sort of writing).

Since it has been a week since this "new regime" started; I have worked out every day (maybe not as long as I had dreamt about but 30 min is a good start), I have slept 7 hours every night and I have eaten porridge for breakfast every day - I have yet to attack the reading a book or writing a blog post, so here is it....

Life has been, I guess life? The last few years have had some struggles, maybe early midlife crisis ("what should I do with my life?") and some set backs in the dream department. There is nothing I would like to dwell in right now, considering this is my "back in the saddle, which should be short and sweet, bringing a happy feeling without dread for next time" blog post.

I have gotten increasing number and sizes of projects at work, and some of these have not been easy navigating. It's difficult for everyone working with unrealistic expectations in delivery when you look at the resources being offered and the time line to fix in under. Needless to say I've been repeating a lot "the best we can do with the allocated resources and the given time constraints" rather than "the best you can". The latter phrase usually leads to some Type A people working overtime and getting stressed since you know that "you can do better" and "it shouldn't just be good enough".

With that nugget/wisdom/pep talk/detailed focused nit picky comment, I leave you with a few areas that I am working on for the next blog posts during this year. If you want to make a comment/wish on which one to go first, please let me know.

1. Good team work is constant communication and support
2. Work-life balance in the time of "if you love what you do, it's not work"
3. Stories from the US South as a Northern European woman - the differences, the similarities and the exotic craze - nuggets like bbq, heat vs freezing, feminism, church, seer sucker vs tight fitting dark wash jeans, craft breweries, biking to work and living together without being married.
4. Science lab dynamics, the team sport like hockey
5. "I have a PhD, this job is beneath me"
6. Negotiation and diplomacy, best when coming from equal footing?
7. Are you spending your time on the right things, or the things you want to be right?
8. Setting expectations, an important part of delivering success
9. Conflict between the wet and the dry lab sides
10. Correct salutations - half the win when working with new people
11. Pit falls to avoid when starting in a new team with a new project - no presumptions

marathon training, self esteem and confidence

Back in May I decided that this year was the time when I was going to run my first marathon. I grew up in a family where both my parents were runners. My mom sometimes used the way to/from work to jog her long runs. My dad ran marathons, the first when I was around 6 years old. My brother has run one as well. As we are a fairly competitive bunch, I started really feeling that I should do that when my brother ran his.

That said, I've never been the runner of the family. But I have been jogging since I was at university. I've been the slowest one in my family pretty much all the time. And I've been the chunkiest one. And I've been aware of this all the time but still kept going with a thought "at least I'm still doing it".

Move on to a few years back when I decided to challenge myself and the perception that maybe, if I was a slow jogger, I would gain some traction if I extended my distances? What I lack in speed, I make up in consistency and perseverance? So I signed up for my first half-marathon. It seemed like a good enough distance to be far enough that you have to train for it, and short enough it doesn't break the bank on completely committed and crazy.

My first half-marathon solidified my feeling that while I'm not in the group of "fast runners", I'm not last. None of this should matter of course. But this is part of the story of why I am and have had some issues with running groups and "sharing" with people.

You see, one of the biggest thing with runners is chasing time. You want to do a PR. You should want to be faster and beat this and that. And as a competitive person, I sure did that a lot when I started. I trained to be faster. I wanted to improve my PR. Every time out was an opportunity to go for max and it felt good to be exhausted in the end.

Then came an injury. I ignored it pretty well, and managed to run a half setting a PR while doing it. And then was 6 months of having pain, issues to walk and sit. And for sure not running or working out. After that I decided to take a little bit of a check on myself. Realizing that I'm older and maybe not in such a good shape that I should go for gold every single time but think about "how should I work out so I can keep doing this the rest of my life". Learning to listen to my body a little more. And trying to incorporate a little bit of calm into my workout routine.

So I started running without music. To force myself to be out in nature, running and being aware of my head, my breathing and taking a break from the rush rush, and finding a different feeling of running. I listen to pod casts at many of my longer runs nowadays. Like a companion but still able to choose when a few miles are just you and your thoughts. A few weeks ago I started running with a metronome to keep focusing on my cadence. That brought me back to my old times as a swimmer. Counting strokes, focusing on form, doing lap after lap. It's similar to the boxing bag and repeating punching series. And of course, the most obvious, playing scales with the flute. All of these repetitive things that makes me relaxed, yet focused and able to really tap into that strength and clear my mind and body.

Anyway, this was supposed to be about the marathon and what the training experience has given me so far.

It was a challenge at work to sign up, the company wanted to see x number of employees run the full marathon. And I thought, if not this year, when? and signed up. We got a little ribbon to put on our work badge, "to recognize each other and for others to see us".  I didn't want to put on my ribbon, I'm not much for telling people private things and this marathon was a private thing. Sometime later in the summer one of the reps ran into me on campus and asked "why aren't you wearing the ribbon?". I mentioned that I wasn't comfortable with it, at this point I hadn't told anyone I was training for a marathon, it was my goal, my idea and my time.

The rep started to tell me "it's an accountability thing, if you tell people you will not back out but you will run". I explained, as nicely as I could, that I don't function that way since so far if I sign up for something and say I will do it, I will. It's not about outside pressure to do it (sometimes it's actually just the opposite). Anyway, the rep continued to say "it's a leadership quality, to show that you are willing to do something that you have never done before (run a marathon/and in my case put on a badge and 'brag' at work)". I told them I would think about it, and waited for the feeling that it would be ok to have he ribbon on, to be "visible" and to "brag" about something.

You see, there's a lot of self esteem things riding on this "being a runner". And then there is a lot of questions about time. "how fast are you aiming to run the marathon?" (answer: First one I'm aiming to finish, no time thought).

The one thing I can say after doing this training for 5 months, it takes time. And a lot of people are focused on time, as in speed. I'm trying to plod along. Trying to feel good about the fact that I'm logging miles, regardless of the speed. I started training in the summer. That means a lot of runs in 90F/34C weather. I've grown to be quite ok with going out and doing it in those conditions. Am I fast? Nope. Do I like running in heat? Not really but I've grown to appreciate it more and more. Do I do it and feel better afterwards? Yes.

And this brings us to the reason that I'm ranting away on this post right now. I mentioned earlier that I have run half-marathons before. The longest I have run before starting this training for the marathon has been 13.34 miles (last half-marathon race). I was a little bit nervous, yet excited, to run further. My first longer run than that happened to be in the afternoon a sunny hot day and I was scheduled to do 15.5miles. It was not a great choice, it was really sunny and hot. I didn't feel great about it, but I did it and then came a lot of doubt. "Can I really do a full, those 15 miles were abysmal".

Well, next weekend rolled around and according to my schedule it was time for a 16 mile run. I woke up earlier in the morning and went out and did the training. It was a cool, crisp morning with clouds and no shining sun. And when I finished I felt spectacular. Not just my body (legs were tired obviously) but the feeling in my mind and the self esteem was back. "well, perhaps I can do this!"

So, I kept plodding away with my schedule. And soon came the longest distance I should run before the race; 19 miles. (Side note, I need to point out that a lot of people who train for marathons don't run the full course before the actual race. This is especially true if you are slower since after a certain number of hours, your body doesn't build up but rather breaks down. And also, the experienced people keep saying that if you can do 19-22miles/30-36km, you can do 26 miles/42km since the last part is perseverance, mental and correct hydration/energy planning.) To say I was nervous would be true. I was a little scared that I would hurt myself (5 months of training down the drain) and curious on how I would feel coming into those 17, 18 miles.... Needless to say it wasn't as bad as I dreaded it, but wasn't flawless. But the real joy came afterwards when I updated my friends on the progress and none of them asked for my time but focused on "how did it feel".

It's probably fairly obvious that while I'm saying that "everyone else" is focused on time, the one who focuses the most on it is me. Well, I'm a work in progress and not really over the fixation yet. For now though, I'll take the happy feeling that I am 3/4 on the way to my race distance wise. And that after this weekend coming up I am in tapering mode and will not have to do over 10 miles. I will need to keep the focus and keep training and really starting the thing I deep down dread the most; early morning runs in the dark. Why? Because the race is in the morning and my body is not a great morning body.

To sum this post up; I am happy to have found that the marathon training have helped me deal with my self esteem issues and move forward, maybe not in the way that I thought it would when I started - that's an added bonus. And that nothing matters as much as "routine" since "doing something" is better than "doing nothing". Fingers crossed for me keeping the mental happiness through the big race!

Vacation is good for you (until you come back...)

I had quite the start of the new year. A couple of day, well to be honest weeks, of vacations and trips. I didn't realise that some stuff has been draining me. It took going to the Hockey Town of the World to realize that I really needed to get away and sleep. Oh and how I slept. Glorious 10 hours of sleep a night. At least for a few days when the vacation started. Like I said, it took me awhile to realize what my brain has been telling me for a little bit.

Also, I can totally recommend going to Toronto in February. You get blues skies, sun and then a little bit later snow and ice. Perfect for long walks, both in the PATH and outside, and relaxing in coffee shops and microbreweries.

Not to mention, going to Hockey Hall of Fame and Air Canada Center for some games with the lovely Maple Leafs.

If only one didn't get so behind on work while being away.... it's crunch time for some dead lines. I'm dreaming away and sharing some photos. Until next time! (Got some thoughts on mentoring and networking for starters.)

Sister of night

There's something special about travelling at night. I've had this feeling many times, yet every time I encounter it I feel a slight jolt of surprise. It's a little bit like coming home. A feeling of familiar. A feeling of safe. A feeling of nothing in the world can rattle me, since it's all hidden in the dark. All the faults are dimmed, all the sharp noises are just a little more thudding. And there is some much opportunity.

I'm not a morning person. At the same time, I'm probably the most a morning person now than I have ever been in my life. I have even gotten to like the idea of morning exercise. So odd.

Still though, nothing beats the quiet of night. The darkness of night. The stillness. It's like the world is taking a deep breath and everything is just there, waiting, not stressed and letting me breathe out and take in the stars and the sky, let all the thoughts wonder freely and have no constraints.

I remember being in my dorm room when I was a first year university student, laying on the floor having a clear view of the sky through the window, in an all dark room with some of my favorite music on the stereo filling my ears. Complete calm, and just the awesomeness of being.

And the same feeling, sitting outside in my garden (what everyone else apparently calls 'backyard' here in the South) in the dark night, staring into the sky and enjoying the night and my thoughts.

This is similar being on a train, in a plane or - my absolute favorite - driving a car on a deserted dark road on a summer night with the windows down and the music flowing while the car speeds through the night. The wind running through my hair, the adventures opening up.

Or, as today, staring out through the window of the plane, seeing all the flickering lights far down on the ground while the Super moon is glowing on the horizon and shining the light. The notion that for a few hours I can't be reached, I can't be asked to do things, I don't have to feel the musts. All I have to be is "to be". I can be alone with my thoughts and relax.

Time to get on with it and enjoy the flight. Dream away.


(and yes, if you have read this before(one of you maybe?)  - there has been a post or two about my love for the night and the happy times I feel. Here is that post, a 12 days of Christmas.)

Book devourer

Book devourer - it's the literal translation of the term in Swedish I was called growing up 'bokslukare'. The correct English term is voracious reader, although I would say the devourer has a slightly more literal meaning of "tearing the story from the pages of the book" rather than "reading a lot of books" - but that's me and my feeling of languages. Probably not right, but more me.

When I moved to the United States for a while I didn't read as much as I had before. I think it was mainly because going through grad school, I didn't have the patience and time to indulge in reading as much. Well, at least not the last two years of grad school. It was easier to quiet the mind by watching TV series, episodes at a time of 40 mins. I went through Babylon 5 and Buffy (repeat) when writing my dissertation. It was the way to get me to get a quiet mind before falling a sleep. Something I've used during the years now, instead of lying in bed with insomnia while my mind churns into all this "what ifs" and "I must do" I turn on an episode of one of the series I watch and get lulled to sleep.

But there is something extraordinary with reading. Finding a book, sitting down or laying down or even walking around ever so slightly, and just turning the pages. Painting the pictures in my head, based on what the author is writing. Not watching something a director has made for you. Having the opportunity to make the details of the book in your mind, adding your own memories and desires into the descriptions of the book. Understanding certain aspects of being human, learning nuances of history or simple dream away in a fantasy novel.

When I didn't read as a child, I listed to "books on tape" and "dramatizations of books on tape". It was the best way to clean my room. I remember turning on one of the many Tintin tapes I had and listening to the reader and the different voices acting out the series. Or the Greek Mythology stories, how Phaeton fell from the chariot, Theseus fighting the stables and the Gods, or Orion being a merciless killer aiming for a little bird that turned into a hare laying eggs for Easter.... Educational and enjoyable at the same time.

Of course, part of this was probably because I am old and grew up with a black and white TV in a country far far away where there was two channels and not any (a lot) programming during the day. Never mind the idea of video, or Netflix as of today.

I still think though, that there is something very distinct with books. Something that's personal, yet you can share it. It's like your best memories in a box - that you can open up and look at, and then talk to friends about and they might understand. It's also one of my absolute clearest definitions of Vacation and "Time off". To wake up in the morning and grab the book of the bedside table and start reading. Never mind the time, you read the pages as long as you want - then get out of bed to grab a cup of tea and start the day. Or, as I have done these last two days, decide the "well, I guess I'm tired and would like to go back to sleep, perchance to dream" and then wake up a little later. Not to mention "going on vacation" to me read (I know) like "time to read lots of books". Even if I prefer real paper books, there is something to be said about being able to travel across the Atlantic and not being worries about running out of books when you can have them on an e-reader. Not to mention that if you purchase book 1 in a series and it turns out that you really like it, you can purchase book2 instantly... (yes, let's not talk about how much money I have spent doing exactly that.)

I've been told, on several occasions, that this habit of mine - the reading books with intensity - is not as innocent as I seems to think. It's sometimes viewed as "excluding", especially if you are a fast reader and can go through say 3 books in a weekend... The American therapist I saw for a short time while going through my divorce suggested that my memory of being with family and friends sitting in chairs reading books and spending time together, was really not that much about spending time together but pretending to spend time together. They suggested that if we really wanted to spend time together there was tv series to experience together or a football game to play etc. My explanation that I think it's more personal to read and then talk about what you've read was met with a strange face. Not to mention that I think there is a certain intimacy of spending time together when reading for a bit. I guess it makes more sense here if you read by the pool or on the beach?

Anyhow, I can take that reading like this is an introvert occupation. It's something for me. Something that I do on my own. My mind wakes up and I think and dream and live through the words I read. I sometimes feel rejuvenated (big word). It's making me cry, question thoughts and actions I never would've done before. It's also a fabulous escape from reality, depending on the book of course. I've been sleeping badly last couple of weeks - it's been hard falling back asleep after waking up in the middle of the night - and the last few days, rather than fighting it I've surrendered. I've pick up my kindle (I can read without turning on the light in bed) and read. Yesterday I ended up with silly issue that my ipad ran out of battery, the kindle too and finally when my phone indicated 5% I realized that I had to get out of bed and get up for the day. Reluctantly I did and had to charge my devices to continue reading. Lucky for me, there's an electric outlet on the patio so I could sit in the morning sun reading while drinking my tea while the kindle charged up. Small mercies with first world problems.

It was then I realized for real - it's summer now! And even if I don't have vacation plans at the moment, I can utilize the summer vacation feeling by increasing my reading and sitting (laying) outside in the grass on a blanket with a book, feeling the wind move and the sun shine on my freckles and just relax.

Happy summer time!

genetic testing in congress

This is good article about what's being debated in congress at the moment. A bill discussing that employees HAVE to disclose their genetic testing to the employer. It might even mean that you have to do some genetic testing if your employer asks for it.

Over all, I have a couple of thoughts on the genetic testing things that's been going on since I saw Gattaca back in the early days of the testing. (don't worry, I can back my worries up with university courses in medical genetics and genetic counselling, so not only dystopian scifi.)

Anyhow, the main issue (according to me) with genetic testing as it is done and stored today is

• there is an overstating from the companies what the results mean (we really don't know that certain how much the genes mean since there are a lot of other factors at play like epigenetics, penetrance and redundancy)
• there is currently issues with how the results are stored (23andme is not anonymous as you might think)

and then the biggest issue - which may or may not be exacerbated in the United States of America since there is no universal health care but using insurance companies that will use any tests to try and lower their payments for care.

• IF you have a genetic test, you HAVE to disclose it and people will act on it.

It's a little bit like the old thing, if you don't check for cholesterol you will never be deemed "bad cholesterol" and get punished for it. The system is made for "being healthy" but also for not checking since you will get punished if you do check.

Why I have an issue with it (in general)? Since the market for genetic testing is not as regulated as one would want. Never mind that there are never any numbers of "false positives or false negatives" being listed together with the tests. And then of course, "that we don't know what this allele really mean"... it makes it a nice mix of "unknown knowns and arbitrary guidelines" that is left to (mostly) the insurance companies to decide what to do with it. This has implications for employers too, if they provide health insurance for their employees... just as the article points out.

If you want to really get scared, please take a look at the new diagnosis kits for early prenatal screenings. I agree that a lot of it is probably straight forward, however - and this is the really tricky part - when the result doesn't fall in the "clearly normal" or "clearly abnormal" categories, then the false positive/negative issues really come out to play. Although, "it's a test result and a lot of people and companies will say that they rely on the test result"....

selective information

One of the first things I hear from people when talking about "being honest with your boss" is always; "oh no, you shouldn't trust them and tell them personal things, you'll get mistreated". Being an introvert, who plays their personal cards very close to the chest, this makes me feel safe. Not sharing personal things with my coworkers, and most definitely my boss, feels safe. If they don't know, they can't hurt me. 

However, the more years I've worked the more I have realized that I'm not really like that. I have tended to tell my bosses over the years the really big things. My divorce, my (subsequent) depressed time, my parents visiting and me having to take time to take care of them, my "I should leave academia", my "I'm going to look for a job since there's no promotion" and some other things. And I've come to appreciate the fact that I don't want to work for a boss that I don't trust, and that I can't feel respects me and want to support me.

It's probably mostly on how you tell these complicated things and what you share. I'm not talking about constant babbling about your personal things, this is more strategic opening up on specific things that might affect you in the work place and your boss having your back in case things get dicey. And most often, as a lot of things, these things are best to tell when you have a plan or know what you're going to do. Compare "they cheated on me with some young thing and I don't know what to do" to "my partner and I are going through a rough spot and I'm having a lot to process at the time". Not getting bogged down in details, but keeping the over all personal thing going.

I'm sure it helps that I work too much and pride myself of always being there for them when they need something. Flipside of that is, so far anyway, that they respect me and even support&help me find a new job "you're done with this phase of your life, let's find you a new thing and still keep in touch and want to promote me and my work". It's scary, don't let me tell you otherwise. It's very scary for me. I second-guess opening up every single time. I wonder the day after: "was it right, I told them this very private personal thing". And then I resign that there is nothing I can do anymore since the cat's out of the bag and you just have to move on.

The thing is though, that sometimes you can get some surprising insights and support. It's a trust-bonding exercise and so far *knock wood* it's been in my favour to have this trust with my bosses.

I'm not writing this out of the blue, obviously. I had one of those moments with my present boss. Now, this is the boss I know the least of so far. They play their cards very close to the vest as well. I'm not sure if it's based on something special, most likely because there is a division between personal life and work, and we mainly talk work. However, they have always indicated that if I wanted to enter personal space, they would respect and be mindful of it. 

So, I did. It was very awkward. Don't get me wrong. I don't think I've been that scared and uncomfortable in many years. And then it came, the words that made me relax and accept that maybe, just maybe, my personal thing that I needed to tell them wasn't all that horrible or would make me a pariah or something. Maybe it would actually work out with them? The words were, of course, "Oh I remember when I went through this time X" and the very personal account came back, the sharing. Followed up by "what can I do", said with sincerity.

I understand that this is not something everyone can do with their bosses. And maybe I was mistaken in the trust and time will tell. However, I feel better now that I've let them see a part of my personal space, not to mention a lot better since I know a little more of their personal space. Just enough, not too much.

It's also worth remembering, that if you are going through something that has you leave work for check ups and stuff, it's most likely best to get out in front of it with your boss rather than hiding it. If nothing else, they can shield you from when your coworkers might get grumpy that you leave or aren't as available as before. You don't have to tell your boss the exact details but I'm in the camp "forewarned is better than ask forgiveness later"....

"We are not peasants"

There are a few things that my late grand mother installed in me. I sometimes forget until I run into a specific situation and then I can literary hear her voice in my head. This last week I found myself stating it out loud while talking to a coworker. I had just received news that I would go to a funeral this week. I was worrying, as I am prone to do going to something I've not done before, since I don't want to stick out. It's my first catholic funeral, and it's in the south (well, Louisiana so it's even a little more different). I'm simply not really clear on the "local customs and culture" and I don't want to offend anyone.

Back home when I grew up it was easy, you dress up in black clothes (or dark grey) without looking like a waiter and show up for church service. [Unless explicitly stated in the funeral notice, sometimes it's more "a celebration of life, please wear blue" or similar.] Afterwards there was "some food and drinks while people talk about the dead person". Where I grew up there was no "viewing of the body", unless for the immediate family. And not too much more to worry about.

Here? In the south USA? Totally different. I think I've mentioned before that one of the things that have made the biggest impact here is the speed of having the funeral. Within a week. Everyone drops everything and goes to the viewing and/or funeral. If you're a coworker or a friend or family, or a fellow friend from the congregation. It's very kind and I think it's a support for the grieving. It's just the way it is. You show up. Needless to say, I've been to a few funerals during my decade in the south. Most of them though has been in the episcopal church (similar to my upbringing) so I haven't needed to fret too much about it*.

There are a few differences though. Not all the funerals have been heavy on the black clothes. People have shown up, that's the important part, in nice clothes but not necessarily in black. Also, the viewings before the funeral where you go and pay your respect to the living family and the deceased. It took a little getting used to, seeing a dead body with make up but nowadays I would say it's one of the traditions I would like to take back home. We did use to have viewings before 1960ies. I know because my grandmother told me as a child.

So, the saying that came into my head and out my mouth the other week? Well you see, it's the everlasting conundrum I find myself with here in the hot south. I was brought up that to be properly dressed when wearing a skirt or a dress you wear pantyhose. Very seldom would I go to work with bare legs. In summer when it's hot and you bike to work - maybe - but it wasn't that often I felt ok with doing it. However, in Sweden there are only so many days when you really want to be barelegged so it's a very small issue (imagine end of May, June, July and perhaps beginning of August - that's a good year).

Here? In the south USA? A huge issue. It's hot pretty much all year round. Bare legs abundance. And still I insist on my pantyhose to work. Although when it is 26C< / 85F< it might seem strange (at least to a lot of the natives I know). And I don't want to stick out. Talking to my coworker about "what to wear" (even though I probably pay too much attention to this, but it is my stress response) I hear myself saying "I don't want to be too overdressed nor do I want to be embarrassing. It's going to be hot, weather scheduled to be 85F and sunny (meaning even hotter) so it's a fine line between over dressed and "needing to cover shoulders and knees inside the church". However, I know I'll be wearing hose". My friend looked at me with a raised eyebrow since this was my one thing I knew about the clothing. I quickly responded: "Going to funeral church service barelegged? Not a chance in the world. 'We are not peasants my dear'" as my grand mother told me a few times when I was younger and did something that didn't fit with her notion of what it meant to be a lady. (I so hope you see me how I try to be a lady every day mormor.) My coworker burst out laughing, knowing exactly what I meant in that instance.

The irony of course would be that my grand mother came from a long line of proud farmers on her paternal grand father's side (as a lot of Swedes in the 1850ies). They owned their land though, and were not 'peasants'. Class definition at its best (lowest). Tomorrow I'll think of you mormor. I hope I make you proud. As every day.



*I know, it sounds awfully shallow to focus on "my clothes" since more often than not I'm not the grieving party and really, who cares what I do?! However, it's my way of dealing with stress. I focus on silly small things since that is something I can do something about. I can't make the dead undead. I can't know if someone will fall apart at the funeral and start wailing and help them. I can't make a promise "everything will be ok". All I can do is show up, be there for my friend/person who has lost someone and hope that I'm not a part of making the funeral worse than it has to be. And dressing inappropriately is one of those things some people get hung up on. Respect and all.

"you're here on a visa?" and Red Herrings....

I'm a little worried, more the last couple of days, that the energy spent on outrage is going to take a toll and once the initial energy is spent, there will be huge opportunities for other more recessive stuff to happen. Like what is going on in a lot of the states last week - banning demonstrations, making it harder for regular protests, adding fines to arrests etc. (This is affecting citizens of the United States so it is important to their Constitution and amendments.)

I'm worried that a lot of energy is spent on the most obvious thing, while the more insidious comments are being left behind and being slightly forgotten....while these comments and details might in fact be the real threat and issue.

Then again, I worry since there are so many things going on right now that there are not enough time and people to effectively go through them all so again - some things are missed. Of course, things are missed all the time, and that in itself are usually not an issue. You just need to focus on not missing "the important ones".

As a person who currently holds a visa to stay in the United States to work, the last couple of days have understandably made an impact on me. I have been caught between a few things though, and feeling slightly annoyed that certain things that people are outraged about aren't things that I think are the things to get outraged about. At least not right now. Why? Because they have always been like this. Some of these things are just the way visas work and countries adhere to (even if the general public might not know it).

One example of this is the outrage that "DHS will weigh your visa and application when you stand to enter the country". Maybe I'm naive, but my experience both here and when I was in Canada on a student visa, was that it is clearly written that even though you have your application to the visa and the visa - this will be on the discretion on Immigration at the point of entry to country. (I'm sure you can legally challenge if you get denied but this is another issue. Let's just say that the immigration person (CBP) has a lot of power and the whole system is based on them making the correct decision based on your paper work and their good will.) 

I have never been certain I'm allowed to enter with my new visa, just because the process is, imho, arbitrary and you have to be courteous and cute to the immigration officer to not get sent to a special room in the back for further questioning. (Yes, I have done been to a special room.) Then again, I wasn't really certain I was allowed to re-enter with my visa either. Like if you are a scientist and on a working visa and fill in "can you work with radioactivity/anthrax/other things regular people can't...." you end up in a special room, with special people.  (Yes, I have done that too.) Or, when you stand in front of the immigration person and they misread the paperwork, declare "this is not valid" and before you have a second they stamp everything with NO in red and ask you to turn away and you fight tears because you were only away for four days and the CBP person misread and the actual date they should look at is the top one and not the bottom one.... (Yes, that happened to me. Took a long time to resolve. Having a big NO on top of your visa in the passport is not helping future entries either.)

This doesn't of course include all the paper work you have to go through before even getting the temporary visa. Or the interview at the embassy or the paper work on your relatives etc ... Not to mention the things you go through when you apply for a green card. If you think the regular temporary visa has a lot of paper work, yeah it's got nothing on the green card. Plus the immigration physical, immunization records, clean bill of health (now here is something we could really talk about, what rights do you have as a non-healthy individual), tax records, criminal records (you shouldn't have any) and more and more. I'd call that vetting. It's already being done. Oh, and did I mention that you need to report where you live to DHS every time you move? There's already a tonne of data collected on green card holders so to issue an Executive Order to stop them from reentering on 12 hours notice is simply a malicious idea to show power.*

Anyhow, this has NOTHING to do with asylum seekers/refugees and their visas and entry to a safe country. Asylum seekers are someone who flees from persecution, death and is something generally accepted as a status in the world. There are treaties based on that we accept the notion that refugees has a right to apply for asylum and while their application is processed they have a right to be in the country awaiting the decision. If denied, they should leave the country. This process takes years for most countries. It's very unfortunately that there is a huge backlog, BUT this is not an excuse to forbid people to seek asylum when at the border to the country. Neither is the idea that you can turn away such asylum seekers, who have been granted visas in an insanely complicated process that USA is engaged in when it comes to agree to certain classes of asylum seekers to complete this process outside of USA**, and get granted asylum and then be allowed to get on the plane to come over. This process on average takes 18-24 months, during which time the asylum seeker is in a third country (who has agreed to let them be there while waiting for the USA vetting process). So they are vetted and the process is tedious and lengthy. Maybe even more than the average asylum seeker to say Europe - since there they are already in the country. And this is not mentioning the asylum seekers from Central America who are currently looking at a back log of more than 3 years, but they are in the country due to the opportunity of walking across land mass. This is also one of the issues that the wall won't solve since asylum seekers have an international right to seek asylum when touching the border (wall)...

Anyway, since this is turning too long and probably less interesting to read - I'll cut to the chase.

• It is a humanitarian right to seek asylum and turning people away at the border when they already have visas in order is breaking international treaties, brings chaos and decreases your credibility.
• To block Permanent Resident Card holders to re-enter with no warning after a short trip based on their country of origin and saying it's because of the safety of the American citizens is nothing short of faulty. It furthermore discredits the process by USA to monitor who gets the green card, if you don't trust the vetting that is already in place.
• Dual citizenship have always been an issue, and more so nowadays when a lot of countries are demanding visas for entries and making distinction between citizens and others, thus making more people dual. There are also countries who don't agree to give up your citizenship. This will not make things easier in the future.
• Real troubling is that people who have given up dual citizenship, gotten a new single one, are presumably targeted by this ban due to their "place of birth". (example a British parliament member who is born in Iraq but only UK citizen being told he is not allowed entry to the USA). This would be very telling of what is the back story... (imho)

And this is not even touching on the Muslim list for domestic use. I wish I could think that someone in congress would state "we don't make lists of citizens and their religion" - and I do hope that the SCOTUS would slam down on this. However, I am scared that immigrants and visa holders (both temporary and permanent residents) will be accepted to be on lists as such, "for the safety of the country" seem to work miracles and bring on short term memory.

I'm going to see what happens tomorrow at my work since we are a research facility, thus having a lot of immigrants working there. Personally I know people who are directly impacted by this and there will have to be some kind of reassurance or at least information from the higher ups what they will do to protect their scientists.

And yes, I'll try not to panic. But it is getting increasingly difficult.



*please note that it says in the information when you get the green card that if you leave the USA for a longer period of time (definetly 12 months and longer, but could be shorter depending on your travel schedule), you might not be allowed to reenter. This will be decided by the DHS/CBP person whom you encounter when you travel back. There's a lot of ifs and maybes, nothing is certain...

**you can read more about USA and refugees here: http://www.unrefugees.org/about-us/ or go to the governmental site https://www.state.gov/j/prm/ra/admissions/index.htm










And this all coming from a "safe country".

Remember - Never forget. Never again.

Today is the International Holocaust Remembrance Day. It's always been an important day but maybe never as urgent to really think and act like today. The basics of the Holocaust didn't start with the extermination camps, it started years before that. It started with the descriptors of "certain people being less human". And once people had accepted that way of thinking, what's to stop them from agreeing or accepting that there are things you can do to these creatures. They were not looked upon as humans, that's the key of the whole thing. You have to keep a division of "they" and "us" for it to work. And work it did. For awhile. For years. To kill all those people. All those children.

I've been to Auschwitz, in the middle of the summer. It was green and so quiet. I remember thinking "it's so hard to understand since it looked so beautiful with all the trees and grass, like nature wanted to grow and show there could be a future". Then I walked into the houses, saw the torture chambers, saw all the hair and the skin taken from the people and made into lamps and books. Not to mention the shoes and the teeth and .... it was horrific. Seeing the lists of names and numbers, seeing the numbers on the skin of all the people. Understanding the organisation that it took before computers were around, and if it worked then - what possibilities now.

Seeing all the propaganda from the 1930ies, before the camps, making the arguments on blaming people and making it acceptable to beat them up without repercussions. The movies, the movie posters and everywhere you looked reinforcement of the picture of these dirty bad things (not people, "they" were lesser). To ban papers and philosophical discussions. There is nothing to debate, this is truth and this is what "we" want. To make it illegal to listen to any type of music or intellectual debate, and to put it under censorship from the state. Making lists of people who should be watched and controlled. And then making the "internment camps" to keep them in, presumingly to keep "our people safe". And once you have people in a camp, why stop there? And then now to remember that there are talks about this again, now. To add people to lists and then stop them from entering, stop saving children from the atrocities of adults and states...

If ever there was a time to remember the history and how that happened, it's now.

Surely, we have learned that making lists of undesirable people will lead towards the place where we put children in camps and tattoo numbers on their arms (or RFID chips under their skin to track)? That has been what I grew up learning. Listening to the Holocaust survivors coming to my school, showing me their numbers, telling their stories about their families who didn't make it. Telling about how they made it, about the brave men and women who fought back, how the human spirit can endure and keep faith in humans, even when something as atrocious happens as this. Telling me and my school friends so we as young teens would be on the lookout for the propaganda and be aware that this cannot happen again. That we had a responsibility to not be complicit and help the dark forces if (when) they reared their heads.

It might seem idealistic, but what else is there to do today but to affirm once again that I for one will not be a helper and complicit in these things. It will be hard, and it will be scary, but there is no alternative. All humans are worthy. There can't be a "we and them", it has to be "us humans". And there is no time to sit silently on the side lines but for action. This cannot happen again. We owe it to the dead and their relatives. And also to ourselves. We are, as humans, better than this.

2016 is dead, long live 2017

It's a little overdue - the post about 2016 ending but I was on vacation sans computer and now I'm back to business as usual....

So, what can I say about 2016? It wasn't one of my shiniest years. It wasn't the worst one, two or three, but it might be one of top ten of "not great ones". I think it might be easy and fair to say due to some specific occurrences I will be happy to leave this year and I am looking forward to what 2017 will bring.

The main reason 2016 wasn't great was that I ended up with a "routine" finding that led me to have surgery for the first time in 20 years. That in itself might not have been that bad, since the actual surgery was pretty fast and painless, but the stress levels before and after made me think way too much and I didn't really like where that headed. I also worked a little too much in the spring, being the person who covered for maternity leave while training two new people while maintaining my regular day job, which turned out to be.... a little stressful? I subsequently gained "a little" weight and wasn't too surprised when my feet started bothering me in the middle of June, indicating that barefoot was not going to happen during summer time.

On the bright side, while covering for the maternity leave I was surprised to find out that a lot of people found me very useful, helpful and good at my job. They gave me an ego boost and continued to let me and my bosses know that I was doing very well and being a resource to the work place. Other bright things was that regardless of the surgery and the weight gain I ran another half marathon and even if I didn't make my PR I listened to my body when my feet told me "we are numb and not liking this one bit" (and I came in faster than my first one so not too shabby). Also on the personal side, I found that my relationship was stronger than I thought and got support when I went into the rabbit hole of doom due to surgery and some other "not so great discoveries". I also had some friends who reared their head even though I didn't keep in contact with them and enjoyed their time. It showed me that I shouldn't be so harsh on myself and how I interact with others. The summer made me discovery how much I love reading books and how much I had lost the regular reading before bed. I ended up being old school voracious reader of my youth and going through more than 80 light reading/romance-like/fantasy novels (I know but boy was it nice to escape reality a little), and 40 more regular books (Rise of the Rocket Girls by Nathalia Holt being a close top book together with Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie). Also discovered Eudora Welty, such a great writer and photographer.

So, overall 2016 wasn't my favourite (I'm choosing not to dwell on a few other details on the bad side, they're there so trust me on that). The US election and the revelations it had on my work life and personal life are included in this too. Who knew I knew so many misogynous people? Or so many "alt-racists"? Or simply, so many people who like authoritarian men who take charge of women and other feeble minded people? At times I felt like turning into a rabid lesbian stereotype just to prove a point (that it shouldn't matter what women look like or act like or who we love or any other of the thousand things that came up in the debates or propaganda).


Since I want this to be a positive post, I'll start stating my hopes and dreams for 2017. It's really quite simple.

First, this is the year where I will know if I'm staying at my job for a longer time. If certain things aren't on the books (read promotion), I am going to have to look for new opportunities. In the long run I can't afford to stay in a job without any promotion strategies at all. I'm not at the level where I would feel comfortable staying "for the reminder of my career".  Of course, this will be a little influenced if one of my papers get accepted into a CNS level journal since I then have a good reason for my ego to stay. "I still publish" and "I publish in great journals" (always in the middle of the authors mind you, but since my peers doesn't get on papers at all I see this as a great perk and indicating I am still doing science).

Secondly, my health will have to take a fore front place. There will be more yoga and stretching, if nothing else to combat this foot pain that is quite annoying and hurtful. I'm not wanting another piriformis injury on my body. It is also going to help my mental saneness by giving me endorphins as usual when I exercise. I'll keep running and hopefully break my idea of "good time for 10K" (i.e. under 60 mins).

Thirdly, I need to get back into writing. Both this blog, lablit and some personal dreamy projects that has been in the works for quite some time. I fear this will take a back seat for the first four months while I try and get my PMP certificate (see first goal and how they tie into each other). Hopefully I can keep this blog going with two posts a month, science and personal - maybe some hockey - and most likely some leadership/mentoring thoughts.

Fourth and last, this is where I continue on my quest/work to be more of a positive person who takes the future more in stride and not plan for all the negative things. I've faced the music a few times and it has showed me in stark reality how easy it is to get stuck in "negative mode" and I don't want that for me for the future. I'm not going to be one of those people who quips "there's a good lesson in getting cancer, see the good in it" but I will try to be one who doesn't paint the worst on the wall just because you can and you get scared. Nor will I succumb to automatically thinking negatively about others, my own body (I got my work cut out there, trust me) nor world futures. I think this will probably be the most important thing for me in the long run and something that will influence my relationships. It's really a lot of truth into looking at yourself and your life in perspective to other situations and be grateful for what you have. At least for me, this has turned out to be a good start and made me more of a happy (content?) person than before some of this happened.

sometimes I feel like a cleaner & a fixer

There's a part of my job that I'm a little ambivalent about. It's the feeling that I sometimes resemble a fixer (or cleaner) more than a project manager. I am not brought in on the front end, where I can guide and be of assistance, but rather in the end when things haven't really worked out as they were supposed to. I'm then brought in to "fix it". I can, and I will most often, take this as a compliment. They trust me to clean up the mess and fix and show how to make it.

The only problem might be that I get frustrated since I know that I could've avoided the mess, thus the clean up, from the start. "If only they've given me".... like a few hours on the project planning and the scope. Ah well, it is what it is.

It has gotten me pause though, when I gotten time to think about it. This fixer business and the coordination idea. That I don't have power per se, but operate on "someone knows I'm useful and need me". That I get things to accomplish (and succeed) but not necessarily power and title to do it. The reflection on my childhood and the background where I was always a fixer, most of the time cleaning up and rewriting stuff that happened. Nothing bad survived the morning after, it was gone when afternoon came knocking. The secrets, hidden dreams that never got squashed since they were always adjusted and taken care of. The careful narrative of shiny, not the dimmed and dull, and if it wasn't right there was a price to pay.

I'm not writing it as a lamentation, just trying to explain that this is something that has popped up in my mind lately. It's like the half joke "if you want a keeper of secrets, get yourself a child of an alcoholic". They are, for better or worse, excellent in having a facade. Getting everything to move and shiny. And take on a lot of responsibility that most often isn't theirs to own.

Of course, I wouldn't have stumbled on this very blog post unless I went into my little mind to soul search just another time in the middle of the night. I have this one trait that I am both proud of and at the same time scared of. I think I mis-wired something as a child, but I can't be sure so I'm always reassessing and contemplating which switch I want to trigger for the future. You see, I'm loyal to a fault. I've always wanted to see myself as a loyal friend. You know the one who doesn't give up "because people can change". Or "I'm the one who sees their inner beauty". Or "they're not like that with me". Yeah. Right. You can see the fallacy quite easy. Not only that I'm getting myself in a better light, but also the illusion.

It's hard though. Realizing you have raised someone to a pedestal they don't fit on. And the fact that you yourself shouldn't give people too much unrealistic hope. Because in reality, people just do what is best for themselves. There are seldom heroes. And unless you are family, and most of the time not even then, they seldom do something for you if it cost them something. Nothing personal doll, just life. Better make adjustments to expectations and get on with it.






(disclaimer; i'm actually quite happy with my life at the moment. However, these smaller nightly thoughts of melancholia - lack of better term - are quite precious to me. It's like they are me, clarity and no barriers, getting the writing better. I don't know though, maybe happy blogpost is better?)

"It's just a routine test"

It's one of those things I've covered once or twice before in this blog, I'm a lousy patient. I've had conversations with my physician (my old one before I got swapped to my new one) why I hadn't done a pap smear last five years even thought I am a microbiologist and should know about HPV. (My less than popular answer was that I didn't have the energy to deal with if I had cancer anyway so why look for it? Yeah, I know, I've grown up a little since.) We talked about that I have a head turned on for "worst case scenario" so therefore my stress level between taking the sample and waiting for the result is so large that I avoid them altogether. 

This is also why I book my next check up time with the dentist before I leave my appointment (yes, even if it is 6 months out) because I will probably avoid making that call otherwise. I find opportunities to not get the choice of avoiding things like yearly checkups since I find it embarrassing to cancel pre-booked appointments. What can I say? I'm a simple woman.

Of course, when you end up with a routine test and you are the fool asking the nurse in the middle of the test "it looks ok, right?", and they look at you and say "we can't really say anything in the middle of the test, the doctor will follow up with you in a call later today" that's when you know that things are not "normal". And that starts all the alternatives running around in your head. So when the call came and it was to schedule a meeting to discuss surgery, well - at least I was prepared.

What I wasn't prepared on was my head not stopping running after it was all said, done and path reports said "all clear". I mean one could think that I wouldn't make it a bigger deal than it was? Routine test, leading to finding, leader to removal of bad thing, all clear nothing to think about. After all, I'm a grown woman and I work close enough to real catastrophes (pediatrics) so I really shouldn't be this sensitive*.

It is though, something that has made me very tired the last couple of weeks. I have found myself gazing retrospectively and staying awake for too long at night. I need to get over it and move on. Now, how about that application for taking that specific certification......

(I'm all fine. It was a smaller thing that needed to be removed and it is now fine. I was happy it was taken care of very fast so I didn't have to be worried for longer. It's just been hard since I didn't want to talk about it with my family or my friends before the procedure and there's nothing to say now since everything was fine.)

*it's the feeling that I am not in control of my body. that it betrayed me since I rely on it being ok. Not to mention the fact that I couldn't fix this on my own. It wasn't like an ingrown toenail or an infected bite. I'll deal with that like a champ.

what happens after conference

Going away on conferences has always been something I like. Even as an introvert. Maybe just because I'm an introvert? Maybe because I've not gone to too many a year, never having to share rooms, not usually going with coworkers, always having some opportunities to go aside alone.

I love learning new things. Seeing things in a different light. And it is an opportunity for me to play pretend. Or to see how people - who don't work with me everyday - see me and the work I do. To gage how much I'm worth on the job market. Sometimes even, in a galaxy far far away, to see my value on another market as well.

Oh yes, the introvert idea. The contradicting idea that I as an introvert like being in a crowd, networking with people, going to poster sessions and then later relax in my hotel room - alone. Waking up in the morning, going for a run (alone) and then eating breakfast (alone) and collecting my thoughts and feelings. During the day, I can network, go to talks, think a lot and see loops where I normally don't have the time to do it, and ignore regular day-to-day guilt feelings. Like a small vacation away from home and work, even when working in a conference.

Of course, coming back after a conference can be quite the trip. Noticing the work group being different (did they work better without me?), catching up on all the "regular life stuff" (catching up with family), and most importantly of all - sleep and recovering. Having at least one day or weekend where there is recharging time. And working through the feelings and thoughts that have awoken in the "in between time" at the trip.

Then going back to work and se if there is a chance to implement all the new knowledge and feelings.