There's a part of my job that I'm a little ambivalent about. It's the feeling that I sometimes resemble a fixer (or cleaner) more than a project manager. I am not brought in on the front end, where I can guide and be of assistance, but rather in the end when things haven't really worked out as they were supposed to. I'm then brought in to "fix it". I can, and I will most often, take this as a compliment. They trust me to clean up the mess and fix and show how to make it.
The only problem might be that I get frustrated since I know that I could've avoided the mess, thus the clean up, from the start. "If only they've given me".... like a few hours on the project planning and the scope. Ah well, it is what it is.
It has gotten me pause though, when I gotten time to think about it. This fixer business and the coordination idea. That I don't have power per se, but operate on "someone knows I'm useful and need me". That I get things to accomplish (and succeed) but not necessarily power and title to do it. The reflection on my childhood and the background where I was always a fixer, most of the time cleaning up and rewriting stuff that happened. Nothing bad survived the morning after, it was gone when afternoon came knocking. The secrets, hidden dreams that never got squashed since they were always adjusted and taken care of. The careful narrative of shiny, not the dimmed and dull, and if it wasn't right there was a price to pay.
I'm not writing it as a lamentation, just trying to explain that this is something that has popped up in my mind lately. It's like the half joke "if you want a keeper of secrets, get yourself a child of an alcoholic". They are, for better or worse, excellent in having a facade. Getting everything to move and shiny. And take on a lot of responsibility that most often isn't theirs to own.
Of course, I wouldn't have stumbled on this very blog post unless I went into my little mind to soul search just another time in the middle of the night. I have this one trait that I am both proud of and at the same time scared of. I think I mis-wired something as a child, but I can't be sure so I'm always reassessing and contemplating which switch I want to trigger for the future. You see, I'm loyal to a fault. I've always wanted to see myself as a loyal friend. You know the one who doesn't give up "because people can change". Or "I'm the one who sees their inner beauty". Or "they're not like that with me". Yeah. Right. You can see the fallacy quite easy. Not only that I'm getting myself in a better light, but also the illusion.
It's hard though. Realizing you have raised someone to a pedestal they don't fit on. And the fact that you yourself shouldn't give people too much unrealistic hope. Because in reality, people just do what is best for themselves. There are seldom heroes. And unless you are family, and most of the time not even then, they seldom do something for you if it cost them something. Nothing personal doll, just life. Better make adjustments to expectations and get on with it.
(disclaimer; i'm actually quite happy with my life at the moment. However, these smaller nightly thoughts of melancholia - lack of better term - are quite precious to me. It's like they are me, clarity and no barriers, getting the writing better. I don't know though, maybe happy blogpost is better?)
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