I've had a rule, especially since I moved to the States, not to talk about certain things at work. Politics is one, religion another, and then trying to not discuss too private or personal things. I've mentioned this in the blog before. Trying to keep a neutral stance on a lot of things and mention sports, travelling, books and cooking; letting other people talk about their children and grandchildren etc.
However, the last couple of months it's becoming more and more difficult to keep "neutral" when people spew off comments. I've worked on focusing on "facts" and "history lessons" and a lot of times I end up making a gallic shrug with "well, I'm Scandinavian so maybe that's a little different". Last week though, that went into a little more delicate matter. The whole #blacklivesmatter got some commentary by some coworkers, and not in a delicate way. There were words mentioned that made me give a short history lesson (even as a non-US citizen), and then there was the Nice attacks and the idea, notion and history of France and liberty. And then we added the Turkey military coup and the history lesson in terms of Ottoman empire ("what is that?" led me to talk a little about the country).
And today the Republican convention started.... And not only did the commentary add into "no other civilization than the Western Civilizations have ever given the world anything" but there were some other grumblings on the side. And this is not even mentioning the underlying discussion and commentary about abuse that's been going on for a bit.
I know that abuse is a hard thing to define. It's been a little bit of this conversation in junction with the Katz affair. It's also been a time when a coworker mentioned some private stuff going on at home and me waiver on how much private information is appropriate to give. But when it comes to certain situations though, I have to say something. If you feel non safe at home, to the point that you take your kids and go visit a coworker, there are things that you need to do. And the other thing, not to paint the worst scenario on the wall but still, it's the time when you decide to leave the abuser that is the most dangerous time.
Again, not trying to scare anyone here. Not liking my experience with this. And I definitely don't feel comfortable with the whole thing. However, there are certain things that don't matter (and me being comfortable in this situation is one of them). I'm feeling a little better that I could make some practical suggestions to the specific situation. It's not a done thing, but a step in a right direction.
However, it can't take away the searing anger I saw the other day when one of the more short-sighted naive people expressed "I think they brought I upon themselves, they really should've walked away the first time". I wanted to tell them in not so many words: If it was that simple. If the line was THAT clear. Don't you think they would've walked away? Maybe, just maybe, it is a little more complex than that?!
It doesn't matter if it's an abusive PI or a partner. The background, the luring, the normalization, is always there. It's not coming out of the blue - at least not when the perpetrator is good at it. Oh no. It's devious. It's a slow build up. It's a mix of "you're so good to me", "I'm not worthy of you", "you really understand me" and a number of similar comments. And the feeling that bloom in you, that they like you - and that it is special thing you have going. It's the waves, the ups and the downs. When it's good, it's very good, but when it's bad, it's very lonely. Not to mention the shame. The thoughts "I should've realized" or something equivalent as an emotion.
I spent today telling someone "if it was bad all the time you wouldn't have stayed, not found yourself in this situation. It's the good that starts is and then you get stuck. The really important thing though. It's to move away from the situation and next time you see the signs, act on them." It's the learning and improving. Not beating yourself up over something that has already happened.
It's easier said than done. Obviously. But we can all try and keep the judgmental comments out of the workplace. And maybe even just keep them out all together? After all, most of us have moments of weaknesses where we thrive on someone giving us attention and perceived likings. It's not always you see the deception until afterward.
Maybe tomorrow will be another day?
(and this is not even mentioning that I watch Mrs Trump's speech..... )
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