perfect thinking

I've been mulling over a few things the last couple of weeks. Mostly since I have been talking to a few of my friends who are, due to various reasons, stressed and confused. Mostly about so called "life issues". And most of them stem from a slightly obsessive idea about being "the perfect .....[person/wife/girl friend/daughter*/scientist/all together in a bunch]". I've tried avoiding getting caught in the same line of thoughts. I say tried since I have found myself down this path way too many times.

It reminds me about that time when my late grand mother bragged about me to her sister when I got my undergraduate degree. The sister replied "well, does she have a boy friend though? My grand daughter has a very nice boy friend". Another time, it was about the idea that having a PhD degree might be fine and dandy "but does she have any children?" or "is she married"... alas, then the degree might be an ok consolation prize, but be aware that without the markings of a successful marriage and offspring there really is no good enough here.

My friends are in a bit of a pickle, together we can be a "perfect person" with degrees, jobs, spouses, children and even throwing in a few taking care of the older family - but on our own, not so much. One of my friends has been asked for the better part of the last couple of years why they don't have children. She mentioned it to me earlier this year since they are not able to conceive, or so it seems at least. She wondered to me how much information she "has to give these other people" who are poking and asking when they will be a "real" family. She would want nothing less than to have a child but feels very much like a failure since she doesn't seem to be able to. (Her words "everyone seems to be able to get pregnant nowadays. I mean, normal women get pregnant even when they don't want to.") One of the other ones has recently understood that maybe her choice of spouse is not completely supported by her family, thus making the whole thing very infested. (Same thing there "normal women can have a good relationship with a man and their family, but why not I?") And yet another one has "failed" on all accounts since she is single and child less with a negative reporting on a fancy job too. ("I tried to get educated but now there are no jobs around and I am not getting younger so I guess there will be no children".) Well, isn't life grand sometimes? And soon the holidays are coming up, guess why it's all up in the air right now? (Most stressful things tend to get to the surface around December, imho, since all these things tend to focus on families and blessings etc.)

I really didn't set out to write this post in a whining state, nor complaining. I am just a bit sad that there seem to be so much pressure on being perfect and that this thinking is infesting the thoughts and actions of my friends (and mine). It is like all they do is to second guess themselves about "how can I become this image and sensation of being the perfect person". And then I haven't even started complaining about the body issues and weight and health things. Scchhhez.

It is clear to me, a day like today when the sun is shining outside and I am off work enjoying a bit of rest and quiet, that there should be so much more to life than this [almost] constant pressure, striving and worrying. And that it would be absolutely great to be able to just disconnect from the brain and just BE [happy and content].

Alas, I guess my hope is that I can move towards that place where my I don't listen to my brain chatting about achieving all these "goals" but rather just live my life as it is and be happy with all the blessings I do have and focus on them, rather than to point my icky finger at the things that aren't perfect and nag in my mind that I should not allow myself to be happy until I have fixed them. (wow, a sentence of 4 rows..... that's a lot even for me.)

With this I am off to try an enjoy the days and my life and not get stuck in the worrying and thinking too much. Happy weekend everyone!

*as a side note, blogger spell checking does not recognize the word daughter.... very strange.

close doesn't count

I was soooooo close of getting first in the NFL pool this week. Even if I lost track of the Thursday game and missed filling it in.... And then I was the only one thinking that Cleveland would be able to loose with less than 11 points against the Ravens. Don't think so. Duh.

Funny since I like the Ravens but the last couple of times when I have "believed" in them it has been like a slaughter and no wings left on the nice birds.

With this little blurb, I'll say congrats to GenRep for winning this week (and to PiT who went passed me with her tiebreakers... Grrr.. one day I will get you!!! :) ) and good night since it is time to sleep!

(although, when I look at the "weekly performances" I am in green with 9 and counted as the winner.... a bit strange. Am I supposed to be happy and a winner or confused and annoyed being third?!)

sand painting

I was just blown away earlier tonight when I found this link at a Swedish blog. I had no idea. It is super. I ended up watching a bunch of other videos at youtube too. She was the winner of "Ukraine's got talent" and her name Ксения Симонова transcribes into Kseniya Simonova. She has her own website too. I don't understand how she does it, nor do I care. It was just absolutely mind blowing to see it. It's only 8 mins long but it will pass in a second! Go look!! Go now!

(It says on the wikipedia that this performance was the story about Ukraine from the Great war with Russia and into the World War II.... hence the 1945 in the end. I wish I could know the lyrics or what songs there were in the beginning...)

Title? Honeymoon is over?

I think maybe the honeymoon is over. After short weeks, I am starting to think and wonder... and of course this comes in the middle of the week. Oh what I would give for a wine night with my old friends right now. Just chatting away like we did as graduate students, for hours and hours at a time. Discussing life options, values and dreams. Especially dreams and future plans.

Why do you dream about that? Do you still dream about that? How is this 30-something years crisis going to be resolved.

Do you like your job? Have you been able to find an answer for all those people telling you that "your new job title doesn't sound too impressive" or "huh, imagine that - you traded your post doc to that low a title?" (I never in my wildest dreams remembered people being this focused on the job title. No it is not Director. So sorry. Just something lower than that.) I know, I shouldn't care. Funny thing is that I didn't when I applied for the job. I just thought (yes, probably very naïvely) that it would be so nice with a permanent job where I would learn new things, while using old knowledge and build on my experience, and have a bit of supervisonary responsibility too.

Try something new, that I haven't tried before. And that it wasn't bad that it was in a new line of work - something I haven't done before - something that would open doors into more "secure line of work". Something that would make me more marketable and more versatile in the future. Job market isn't too impressive at the moment in my opinion.

All my thinking before. Now? I'm just a tad bit bummed by all these comments about my less impressive title and the talk that it is sad to see that I sold myself cheap for a permanent job and no research career. And all in less than a month.

Not to mention how disappointed I am in myself for letting them get to me. I hope my brain can start fully functioning very soon and that I can relax once again in the full knowledge that it doesn't (really) matter what people say or state, it's what I feel that is important. Too bad though that some of these people were people I respected and liked... guess it is never too late to re-evaluate people?

Grumpy is good

"In a bad mood? Don't worry - according to research, it's good for you." According to this news paper article I read today - I'm not lost in space. (Some people would say that I might be a bit on the grumpy side... or the cranky one...)

From the article "An Australian psychology expert who has been studying emotions has found being grumpy makes us think more clearly. In contrast to those annoying happy types, miserable people are better at decision-making and less gullible, his experiments showed. While cheerfulness fosters creativity, gloominess breeds attentiveness and careful thinking, Professor Joe Forgas told Australian Science Magazine. ..//.. Those in a bad mood outperformed those who were jolly - they made fewer mistakes and were better communicators. ..//.. Whereas positive mood seems to promote creativity, flexibility, co-operation and reliance on mental shortcuts, negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking, paying greater attention to the external world"

See, I knew it wasn't that bad for me to entail my grumpy side. Although, I wouldn't call it grumpy as much as being a tad bit neutral and not overly cheery and positive. It's at least appreciated when trying to trouble shoot or plan long term experiments...

It's actually interesting. A few years back (what I would refer to as "the dark ages") I was trying very hard not to let off to my work colleagues that things were awful. Especially the administrators or people I met everyday but weren't close to. I always smiled, was "sort of cheery", asked a lot of questions to them about their kids and life and fun times (it's funny that people who get asked a lot of questions most of times forget to ask you anything in return since it is so fun to talk about yourself... ) and avoided any more answers than "oh, fine" when asked "how's it going". A lie of course, but as said before people aren't really interested in how you are when they ask it in the morning. It's simply curtsey. And I was brought up to be polite.

Anyway, the interesting part for me was when some of these people found out what had happened (just this year) and they were shocked. "Why, I had no idea, you were always so happy looking". Ha. I guess it's something I said another time when I was accused of being bad at lying. I may be bad at lying when I don't care if you notice, or if I want you to know that it is not the simple truth. When it comes down to the real shit though, the stuff that I want to be left alone and not anyone else poking about, then I am quite sure you have no clue.

And I probably shouldn't be that proud about it. I think it means that I have trouble letting people in.

Then again, as the article stated > there might be a place in the world for me too. How positive for me! :)