Sometimes relationship are the same thing. The times I've heard "it is friendship", but could you really call them in time of need? Are they more of "acquaintance" than 'friends'. In Swedish there are three words many use in order to sort this out in your head; 'vän', 'kompis' and 'bekant'.
The last one, 'bekant', is most likely translated in to 'acquaintance'. Someone you sort of know by name/face in the circle of friends but not too much more than that. It's the other two that I have a problem with here in this new place of mine. Especially since I have a distinct feeling that there is no difference between them when I translate into English. My 'vän' (in Swedish) is someone I can call whenever I need them. My 'kompis' (in Swedish), is someone who usually listen if you're out taking a beer or something like that. Not the one who would bail you out, and probably not listen to you inner feelings or more serious stuff that goes on. Less messy, less strings... but it's nice 'friendship' and you can think of it as the group of 'friends' who you go camping with for the weekend, not all of them are you 'friends' but as a group you're friends. Maybe it would be 'associates' or 'pals' or something? But I think it's more likely 'friends' and 'close/real friends'?
I've had reason to think about this once again here in post doc city since I realise that I have plenty of 'kompisar' but not many friends. Although, for argument sake I would probably state that I personally don't have many 'close friends' '(nära) vänner' since that's in the definition for me about friendship.
I guess partly it's my thing, my mistake of not trying hard enough to socialize and let people in (but I don't think you get these friends easy or fast... and then you might still have some friends on the other side of the world - granted, hugs are hard to get through email and phone calls). And that things can be over analysed and over defined, since it is about emotions and not quantifying or intellectualize abstract things.
But, I have to say that it does hurt when you think you have a friend in someone, and then you understand that it's not true. Nope. They are really more of a 'kompis' or even an acquaintance you've know for a longer time and not a friend who really cares about you and the former friendship you shared. It sort of sucks. Although, to be fair, it's what life is. And you do assess, adapt to the knew situation and move on.*
And that's where the comfort pants come in. I'm starting to think I will clean out all the pants I don't wear, since the comfort of looking at the multitude of pants is severely diminished once realizing that I really won't be wearing some of them in case of the other ones being out of place - after all, I have a bunch of skirts and dresses and need not the fake comfort anymore!
Bad pants out, good pants stay; that will make a cleaner day.
[as a side note it seems like there's been some research (OK, it's not this year) about "Americans suffering a loss of quality and quantity of close friendships since 1985. Interestingly, 25% have no close confidants..." more from the same study, "it shows that the dependancy from friends to family rose." I guess it points towards one of those things I've found more obvious here, that men and woman are not supposed to be friends; and that the most important thing is to have one spouse with whom you share it all and no one else.
It's not all bad of course. There might be something to having a close family instead of friends... and blood is thicker than water etc. Still though, I think key thing is that you have someone, or three, people who care about you and whom you care about too. Opening up and trusting someone, the question is mainly to choose wisely on whom to trust.]
*in theory, it sounds easy.
8 comments:
I hear you. I've been in this city for over 5 years now and still don't have anyone that I would consider a "close" friend. Sure, we have people that we get together with every now and then --- but no one that I could call up and cry to or anything.
The older we get, the harder it seems to be to make these friendships.
Me too. And I don't have a partner either, so sometimes things are very lonely. Who would I call in a real crisis?
Alyssa> I guess there is something to the whole "older thing". and socialize in couples and doing more "grown up things" (like watching sports and have dinner but not really have those wine nights?)
You have your husband though... but still, as I said before, I think it is crucial to have some ppl/friends outside of a relationship to bounce things of and not hang all your life on one person.
(I am a tad bit bitter and jaded - I'm apologising before the conversation even starts).
JaneB> I thought about that a lot when I just moved to post doc city. Who would I chose as my "emergency contact" since everyone I knew was across the ocean and probably wouldn't be that good to ask if something really bad happened to me...
I still have some friends across the ocean but the longer I stay here, the stranger some of the relationships turn. Time and distance I guess?!
In a real crisis, when I was alone in post doc city - I ended up with some strange people who became friends... in small doses... but most of all, my stuffed animal. I don't care how silly it sounds. that was my sanity check. I guess if I had cats I'd go to them, then I cuddled and talked to my stuffy and tried to find strenght there.
(and then they wonder why you might seem a bit hard and cynical... yeah...)
Yes, it's definitely harder to make really close friends when you're older. I had a couple of very close friends in my first year or two here, but they (and I) moved on, either geographically or in interests.
Now I have a bunch of medium-friends though (how clever of the Swedish language to have 3 categories, rather than just 2 in English. Although really there could easily be more than 3 categories - more of a spectrum), and one or two closer friends, but not like I had when I was in my teens and early twenties. Mind you, most of those friends in those years were people I met in university accommodation during my first year at my undergrand and then my PhD university, and in both places I ended up sharing private apartments with friends I made there in subsequent years. Maybe you just know people better when you live with them...?
Cath> I know, the living together in a dorm or not really makes it closer... guess because it is hard to run away from the talks and sharing ? ;)
I think that the partner for many is the close friend. I've always been torn about it - one way I love it, the other one is very happy I had close friends when my then partner turned and left. but yeah, age seem to have an effect on the friendship for sure.
as for the moving on.... yes. tha would be what mainly happened with my old friends in home country...
HA! Yeah, roommates tend to either become very close friends, or start to hate and/or ignore each other...
Mr E Man is my best friend. No doubt about it. I'm fine with that :)
Oh, this is all so familiar. At least I cleaned out the pants when moving ;)
I've been thinking this over rather too much lately. Who is stil my friend, who might become a friend, where do I find friends at all. I've got a lot of "bekenden" (hehe, nice to understand a bit of Swedish) here but I don't feel as if they will ever be friends.
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