the shadow in the side of the eye

Some people talk about the black dog that follows them around, some talk about the elephant in the corner (or the gorilla, I may get the metaphors mixed up). I talk about the shadow in the corner of the eye. The one that you think you see, but when you turn your head towards it, it's not there. But if you focus straight ahead you can see it ever so slightly and you know that there is indeed something there. Flickering on the side and wanting you to pay attention to it, trying to lure it out to really see it.

And I had hoped it had gone away forever.

Needless to say, I know by now that it will probably never go away completely. It's like one of those things you learn about yourself, you have to live with it and just learn to deal with it. It's those days I decide to "not think about things too much", "not pay attention to what my brain tells me" and most definitely "not pay attention to the screaming emotion inside that's telling me it's a panic and I need to take action right now or it will all go to bad".

No. Nowadays I try and do what I should do. Quietly acknowledge that my body is playing tricks on me and that if I ignore it for just a while it will go away and the world will continue to rotate on its axle. The sun will shine, the wind will blow, the happiness will come back and the fear of being loveless and a failure will dissipate just like the trolls in sunlight in those fairy tales I read so much when I was a child. I wake up the next day and feel OK without the world having come to an end. No everlasting winter in darkness a la north pole.

But it's not easy and sometimes I get tricked into playing the "what if" game a little too long. Especially when a friend is going through some hard times that trigger those memories of "me in a dingy with one oar" (blog post a few years back) and worse times. Gosh, sometimes those moments really sneak up on you and catch you with your guard down.

Good thing I have had some great practice with the best of them to counter act. So today will be cleaning house (maybe even the brain) and being outdoors in the garden popping those trolls in the wonderful spring sun! Life is good and sometimes the best way to feel better is enjoying the nature around you and do some physical labour. Happy spring time!