"It's just a routine test"

It's one of those things I've covered once or twice before in this blog, I'm a lousy patient. I've had conversations with my physician (my old one before I got swapped to my new one) why I hadn't done a pap smear last five years even thought I am a microbiologist and should know about HPV. (My less than popular answer was that I didn't have the energy to deal with if I had cancer anyway so why look for it? Yeah, I know, I've grown up a little since.) We talked about that I have a head turned on for "worst case scenario" so therefore my stress level between taking the sample and waiting for the result is so large that I avoid them altogether. 

This is also why I book my next check up time with the dentist before I leave my appointment (yes, even if it is 6 months out) because I will probably avoid making that call otherwise. I find opportunities to not get the choice of avoiding things like yearly checkups since I find it embarrassing to cancel pre-booked appointments. What can I say? I'm a simple woman.

Of course, when you end up with a routine test and you are the fool asking the nurse in the middle of the test "it looks ok, right?", and they look at you and say "we can't really say anything in the middle of the test, the doctor will follow up with you in a call later today" that's when you know that things are not "normal". And that starts all the alternatives running around in your head. So when the call came and it was to schedule a meeting to discuss surgery, well - at least I was prepared.

What I wasn't prepared on was my head not stopping running after it was all said, done and path reports said "all clear". I mean one could think that I wouldn't make it a bigger deal than it was? Routine test, leading to finding, leader to removal of bad thing, all clear nothing to think about. After all, I'm a grown woman and I work close enough to real catastrophes (pediatrics) so I really shouldn't be this sensitive*.

It is though, something that has made me very tired the last couple of weeks. I have found myself gazing retrospectively and staying awake for too long at night. I need to get over it and move on. Now, how about that application for taking that specific certification......

(I'm all fine. It was a smaller thing that needed to be removed and it is now fine. I was happy it was taken care of very fast so I didn't have to be worried for longer. It's just been hard since I didn't want to talk about it with my family or my friends before the procedure and there's nothing to say now since everything was fine.)

*it's the feeling that I am not in control of my body. that it betrayed me since I rely on it being ok. Not to mention the fact that I couldn't fix this on my own. It wasn't like an ingrown toenail or an infected bite. I'll deal with that like a champ.