Scorched earth or slash and burn?

Sometimes the intentions can be all that makes a different between intentional damaged and utter accidental devastation. And sometimes I just wish that I could pretend to be more careless and not so damn predictable and planning.

Then again, as things are going today – I don’t need to be more careless since it is starting to feel like the [unintentional] burning and slaying of all things; semi-good, excellent and bad. Let’s go with that I might be under a bit of stress, leaving for a so called vacation and seeing my family and friends for the first time in a long while. (Haven't packed yet and I don't even know how much the luggage can weigh since they changed the rules. Then again, let's just hope I can make it on the plane.)

Most of the people abroad know what that means; greyer hairs and lots of aging in the eyes of the family…. A bit of guilt for not being around more… and then the endless moving to please everyone and to make it to meet people. Fun of course, but sad that it is only for a short time. (And yes, I am aware that I chose* this by moving away. Trust me, I am aware of this fact. Very aware.)

When you couple that with a non-written paper (bad me, I really suck), a train ticket that clearly didn’t get bought due to a lovely train website breaking down all the time (more money now, but who’s counting?), a visa thing that might blow up in my face due to excellent bad timing (might not… it’s not that sure), some bureaucratic things in the home country that I can’t influence the timing on… but I hope they can be on time (since otherwise it will be hard for me to use that return ticket), planning things for when I return and need to pick up some slack, and then some unbloggable stuff that I just wait for to go to hell – well in the light of that, I am not surprised that my day so far has collapsed.

It’s one of those days I guess? It is Monday.

It would just be so nice to leave here with a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy, feeling secure and happy in the world. Knowing that all is well and that this is where I should be. (After all, that is what I will be stating for the next couple of weeks since the premise for me staying here is that I am so happy and everything is so great – no pressure. Ha.)

Then again, there is always the option of not giving a damn and just put on the game face and hope that the world rotates into my world. After all, everyone seems to be thinking about themselves, and putting themselves first**. Me? I guess it’s silly to think that I would be the first priority for anyone***. I mean, we’re all in it for ourselves, right? It’s like it says on the header of this thing: “The hopes and dreams” and I guess that means I am left waiting and wishing…

for the dreams and hopes to fall into place?



* choose = having a job instead of being unemployed like my former graduate students who stayed at home.... sure, I wanted to move for awhile but it didn't make it harder that the job market was harsh and not too open...

**as the saying goes “Everyone thinks about them, it’s only I who think about me”.

***whine whine whine. and feeling just a tad bit sad for myself.

[disclaimer> I'm sure things will be OK after I am on the plane and in air. After the bags have been packed. After I know if I can get all the things done that I have planned to do. You know, this is mainly a nervous thing before flying and returning to the home country ^^]