There was a time when I fell asleep with a special album in my ears. I clutched my pillow. I cried. I tried to breathe since it felt like the was no air. I tried to welcome the numbness when the pain disappeared. I felt strangely comforted by the feeling that there was someone out there who knew the pain I was going through.
Somehow, that made me feel less pathetic (after all, what is a heart breaking compared to all the horrors in the world?). And it felt more like it was ok to have a smaller industrial luxury break down in the world today. After all, it was my world that had crumbled. My future as I knew it at the time that had disappeared. My hopes and dreams that had been destroyed. The pieces were everywhere and impossible to put back together. And everything seemed so very uncertain and not worth believing. And everyone else seemed to be so happy and shove it in my face. (The last thing is the worst to admit, the fact that I didn't like to be with my happy friends with everything that I did not have. The feeling that I was the "wrong" one, and they were the true ones. They were not the disappointment to their parents, or to their friends, they were the shiny happy beautiful people. It was one of those times when the solitude and the friends without the perfect life stood out more than ever. Sorry, but it is true. And if nothing else, I at least understood that nothing would be better if they ended up in the bad pile I was in at the time, which lead me to wish for happiness for others...)
It's funny though, in hind sight, when I realise that I sort of treasure that time (afterwards and treasure might be a weird word). As in, I treasure the fact that I know what it feels like when the world as you know it stops (and all is lost and destroyed). It doesn't matter that someone else might not have had that much of a problem "breaking up" or "saying good bye to someone who died". I feel that it has made my life with more colours. In hindsight, not at the time. It is after all a very important distinction.
At the time, I hated it. And I wouldn't wish it to anyone. (I don't really want even my worst enemies to experience those moments of absolute emptiness and feeling of despair when it feels like the world is caving in on you and nothing is what you thought it would be, or sane for that matter. It was truly a dark time. But you know what they say, "it is darkest just before the sun rises". However pathetic it is to say; I believe it true. And the sun did start to shine. And life started moving again. You just have to give it time. Patience is the name of the game. At the time it sucks though. Don't let anyone fool you into something else. Sorry, but I do believe that - it will take time, and you need to be able to be open to it.)
And the old saying from Nietzsche (got to have one of the Germans on your side) the "whatever does not kill you make you stronger". And at the same time, don't forget "when you look into the Abyss, it looks into you". Having that in the back of the head kept me going at some of the less proud moments (not to focus on how many or few of those there were).
But most of all, it is a reminder that some of the people who surround you has never experienced some things. You know, the things that shape you. Some of the more "profound" experiences in your life. The loosing of a parent, or another older person who you were close to. The friend who killed themselves, and you were left to understand why. The break up with someone you thought you would stay with for the rest of your life. And for some, the smaller things like the betrayal of your best friend since kindergarten. Or just a simple "we have to let you go from this job, nothing personal". Or "we don't like you, we are the cool gang at the school".
Actually, it does not matter what it is. Although, it is a reminder to me when I meet these shiny, happy people whose worst experience is "something you would think is smaller than the experience you have had" (or however it can be described). Then I have to remember that it is all in the eye of the beholder and that a "smaller thing to me" might be the most profound experience they have had and that it is big and important to them. (A bit like the first crush who doesn't respond the same way back... for a teenager it is huge. And no laughing matter.) And I feel sort of blessed that I can relate to some of the less fortunate people in my surroundings since I can sort of understand them.
This is not a competition on who had it worst before now. This is simply my Thanksgiving thinking. And to remind myself about that fact that I can draw experience from the things that have happened in my life and that have touched me. Rather than to be bitter about the past, draw some learning from it. And try to be happy about the future, a truly happy future with a lot of open doors.
And of course, that I can't even begin to sat how thankful I am to have my friends and people around me, who keep me sane and make me feel like I have a place in this world. (and yes, that would include you the readers of this sometimes slightly more emotional blog ;) )
(And this had less to do with science, or having a PhD. Normal transmission will resume soon. Promise.)
23 comments:
I totally get what you mean. I've gone through some horrible times too. At the time, I hated it, but looking back I've learned and grown from the experience. Those experiences have made me who I am. If I didn't go through them, I wouldn't be me.
SM: thanks. I wasn't sure it made sense in writing... and I would totally agree, I wouldn't be me without them. Althouh, sometimes I wonder if I would be a better me without the hurt/bitter underneath... never know I guess.
Oh you know, I had very similar thoughts yesterday. What you've written makes very good sense to me, although... I would have preferred to not have gone through this "the world is shaking underneath me and by the time I wake up tomorrow the world as I know it might be gone and everything I try to do about just seems to make it worse"-experience. Yes, it was an experience that have huge impact on who I am today, and I learned a lot from it, but there is just no way it was worth it. But since it did happen, I can at least try to use what I learned. Including being very thankful for the unexpected support from random bloggers :-)
And of course you're right, time can do a lot to heal. (And I think it's important to understand that sometimes the time needed is not weeks or months but years, which is sometimes hard or the people in the surroundings to accept... yes, speaking from my own experience). But, at least in my case, the most important part were the interactions with some new acquintances, who taught me that there are people who actually walk their talk, people who never make you think that in the end action speaks louder, since they act in accordance with what they're telling you... Quite a few of these people have, with time, become the best of friends! And as Thanksgiving is coming up, I too, am very grateful!
Thanks for writing this post, it reminds me to tell you something I have thought many times but never said - thanks for writing this blog, for sharing and for all your support! Although I'm a little sad that you are not here with me, trying to "krossa glastaket", but who know, maybe I'm out of the loop in a year too. Only time will tell, but one way or another things will sort themselves out, they always do. Happy Thanksgiving!
Maria: I would've loved not to have experienced the stuff I did... but I'm trying to look at the side "now I did and better use it since otherwise it is just a waste of time" or something like that. But I (unfortenately) think it would have been a bunch happier without that experience.
I wold love to kill the "glastak" with you, although I hope it is not too late for me to do it. I am aiming, although it sounds boasting, to become a CEO or something equivalent and that would be, imho, a part of that. Then again, my microbiology degree isn't as overtly challenging as a chemistry or physics degree. I hope you get FORMAS or something equivalent and rock the world!
(oh, an email is on its way. I think that would be good - at least for me :) )
oh and I will say that I am moved by the praise about the blog. I never thought people would really care about my random musings about life and feelings but it is a happy feeling in me that someone likes it :) thanks.
and the support, it is there! I wish you the best in the future! Happy THanksgiving outside of US.
Wow - do I ever hear you. When reading your post, some bad times came flooding back. It's amazing that sometimes you can feel those exact emotions over again, years later, when you think about those times.
I've been through some devastating times as well, and looking back is painful in a way. But, I try to tell myself that those times made me who I am today. Although I understand what you mean about wondering if you'd be a better person without those times. I know I would be more confident and trusting if those things never happened to me - but more naive as well.
Thanks for posting this - we all need to remember those that are suffering (by whatever cause), and be thankful for the good things in life.
My blackest, darkest time turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. It's a funny old world.
Great post.
Alyssa: I know what you mean. The naive part is what I think would lead to being "happier" but then I do think that it is unevitable to loose that "innocence" so maybe not cry over it? Happy you liked the post.
Cath: it does sound very intriguing... but something similar to what I thought about maybe. Thanks!
Props for CEO ambitions! That totally counts as part of killing the glastak :)
Maria: it's ok to dream right?! ;) but aiming for the top might get you somewhere in the middle...
But, is it really your goal to become a glorified administrator? I thought MBAs were invented to play CEO so that the really talented people could get on with important work.
Or perhaps you are aiming for a company or modest size where the CEO has some daily contact with the actual work of the company?
(You should obviously aim for it if it is your dream and not listen to us that find the idea of such a position a nightmare)
Mattias: well, we might have a slightly different experience of what a CEO ("or something equivalent" as I wrote) do, but I don't think glorified administrator is a correct interpretation of the work they do either.
Sure, it might not be "hands on" in a huge coorperation although I do think that might be shooting a bit above my realistic goals.
I do not think my biggest strenght is at the lab bench, although I am good at it. I've seen that I am very good at strategic planning and getting a good grip on the overall picture while not loosing smaller details.
Ah well, it was more in line of saying "I don't see myself as a professor but I don't see myself as an independent scientist in a group where someone else decides over me either". Maybe CEO isn't the proper word... something else rather.
You should not sell yourself short - of course you could compete in the management tournament and have the same small chance of eventually become CEO of a large company as other qualified candidates. I mean the job itself is not that hard, though there is a fair bit of competition for the position.
However I wonder if you like management stuff that much. Is accounting, budgets, hiring, firing, employee conflicts and days filled with endless meetings really that fun?
It might be better to be at a level where you still are in daily contact with actual science.
Or perhaps not. Some people really do like the management stuff, and find people more fascinating than science (or software engineering in my case). Strange world.
Mattias: I think it is safe to say that we have different perceptions on what the job entails. And what "daily contact with science" means. Considering that I am (or was up until very recently) a bench scientist with lots of hands-on-all-hours-of-the-day kind of science I currently think it would be very nice not to have to be in the lab all the time.
I am sure that this may or may not change. And that some disciplines of science does or does not require this. For my branch and speciality though, it is hard not to come in at odd hours and do science...
As far as I know abour software development etc, it is fairly much to you to decide when to work etc... (as in programming and things like that) but with microbes and animal models, that is a luxury not often possible.
hopefully you can do what you like in the future - clearly not managment stuff - and I find my niche ;)
What happened? just a break up? Come on! Nobody died, nobody got terminal disease just 2 people are not meant for each other and one of them realized this a bit earlier than a second one. Everybody has come through it. I agree, that holiday break ups are more painful by contrast. Just take your lesson - why you are not for each other and it will let you move on... (sorry if it sounds like mentoring, but I'm just presenting my viewpoint and how I would react).
Olga: it doesn't sound like mentoring at all. "just take your lesson" sounds very much like you have little empathy and not understanding.
I don't really care though. Hope you have a good life without terminal diseases or anything else that you deem worthy of feeling sad for.
(and no, it wasn't a "holiday break up". And people did die. But it really doesn't matter since it was more a thanksgiving thing about being very happy about not being in a specific place now.)
We love you, Chall! Just ignore the other ones, they're not your friends
Cath: I know :) thanks though... morning temper and no coffee.... etc...
Somebody died... That change the whole perspective! I'm sorry for that and my incorrect cooment. From the blog it was not easy to access what exactly happened. I took break up as the most probable and lucky scenario. In that case it would have been empathy. Yes, I think the less deaths and terminal diseases we face and the more love - the happier we are. I wish the poor souls rest and you - to accept it, we can't do anything else now, unfortunately. (Acceptance brings us peace and helps to move on in life with alive without the loss of appreciation of the soul in another world. I saw people who could not accept...)
Cath - you meant me? No problem, I will shut up, it's always easier to stay away than even simply say something. As I was taught: "treat people as you'd like them to treat you". Thus, I expect that vice versa will come to me as well.
All the best,
I'm sorry for intrusion again. Not all our intentions are understood as we want it, this is life too.
PS I took my lesson :)
Olga: The point, my point, with the text was that it doesn't matter if someone died or if it was "just a break up"- since it is about the feelings of the person experienceing the pain. It was a bad time and I am happy I am not there now.
For someone who hasn't gone through "my whole family is murdered" (and that wasn¨t me) it is painful to loose a parent, likewise it is hurtful for someone to loose a partner if that is the "most pain" thy have felt. I dislike the "quantification of pain" and that some pain is "worth more". For the person having the pain, it is real and needs to be acknowledged.
Then again, I don't think it is good to over grieve... or turn bitter over smaller things. But imho you one should acknowledge other peoples feelings, even if you might not understand them. Hopefully that will make it easier for them to go through them and come out on the other side.
You comment came off as a "oh, it was ONLY a relationship and that is nothing to grieve, jsut move on and be happy about it" which in turn came off as very callous and disregarding.
Sorry about that. Don't take it as anything else.
Yes, I meant you - but that doesn't mean you have to shut up! Yes, it can be hard to correctly infer intent from comments, but it was clear that Chall was upset, and I was just reminding her that her regular readers think she is teh awesome!
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