I think I have mentioned before that one of the new experiences here in the south is that everyone is so nice all the time. It’s all about “Good morning Maam”, “how are you” and smiley faces. It took me a while to see through it… of course they aren’t nice for real. Duh… They just sound nice. It looks nice. It seems nice. But it isn’t really. It’s a nice façade.*
For anyone who grew up in the north country with the cold climate where your nationality might be described as ‘reserved’, ‘cold’, ‘non friendly’, ‘less open’, ‘hard to get to know’**… this is a slight shock to the system. I mean, I think I left junior high school and the bullies who were the gossiping girls*** when I stopped being a teenager…. I am not saying that people don’t bad mouth back home, sure they do, but not to the elaborate extent.
Not this “Hi, how are you? You look so lovely today” and then under their breath to the person next to them “seriously, where did s/he find that dress. Trash can?”. Or, as this is science “Oh, nice seminar” and then turn around to the person next to them stating “really, it was quite a shocker when s/he didn’t know the answer to those simple questions”. Or “I wrote you this email where I tell you that I can’t do this analysis for you since the samples are bad. Oh by the way, I cc:d your boss and lots of other people so they all can know that you and I are not collaborating since I can’t do this obviously… ”. Really?
I mean, my bag is quite simple (I thought). Leave the positive comments out of there if it wasn’t good. Or at least don’t elaborate as much. Just don’t lie and get tangled up in it… I can understand the sadness and irritation of the grad student I talked to last week who explained that his PI had been to his seminar and then, after stating to him that he thought the seminar was nice, turned towards some other PIs saying “I am sorry that my grad student is so lazy and useless”. Personally, I don’t really call it passive aggressive but rather “rude” or “no manners” or, my personal fave, “your self esteem is that bad so you need to push someone else down”.
I guess the key thing here is to not care about the comments. Or the behavior. Just water on a duck. And I say, be my guest to try. It will just hurt you since all of these people like to play this game. I for one, come from the “not so much game playing place” so I don’t really get it. If I don’t like you, I can behave and be polite but I will not lie through my teeth to your face. I will not, and did not, invite you to my birthday party. Why? Because I really didn’t want you there. Well, if you invite me to yours? I would probably say in a polite manner “thank you for the invite but unfortunately I am busy that night”. If you didn’t invite me, that’s perfectly fine too.
I just have this one thing, I don’t like fakeness. But now I am starting to assimilate to the overall idea, I don’t have to like the game… but I apparently have to play it more than I would’ve wanted to. And therein lies the rub.
Ah well, I guess I will have to ramp up the fake smiles, the appearances and the niceness of it all. Who cares about real in the land of invention of sucrose, aspartame and botox? After all, who likes someone who says the truth when asked and actually believes that trash talking and actively lying is something that will hurt more than it will benefit. And most of all, to have the audacity to think that the work [environment] would benefit from it.
I am so not a game player – unless I really play a game of course. Problem is, I kind of hoped life wasn’t a game…
*it is really nice, as long as you remember it. It is not true. The dinner invite is not necessary for real, it is a nice gesture. You are not supposed to say yes and expect a real dinner. Silly, at least not all the time it is said. It is grease, gravy, smoothness to make the social life easier. Nothing more than that, at least not the first time you see it… or second… or third. So please, get with the program. Just be a nice surface like the other ladies, ok. No funny independent woman thing.
**… the continuing of “hard to get to know” is “but once you do you have a good friend there”. And before anyone says anything, I have found some really good friends here in this new place. This is more the general thing I am talking about...
*** I want to say that the harm the gossiping girls did to me in junior high school was way worse than the hard hitting boys did at the same time. After all, bruising on the outside is visible. Stares, whispers and lies are just intangible and un-fightable. Enough diving into self pity history pool for now ;)
5 comments:
Ok, some of the behavior you're describing is just plain rude. There is no way that any person who was brought up (properly) in the South would compliment you and then turn around and say the opposite.*
I do admit that there is a lot of social pleasantries that people in the South keep up. The dinner invites are a good example (which really has never made any sense to me, but...). And I can't really defend those people.
*This hypocrisy is avoided by either saying nothing or complimenting someone on a particular aspect (like their slides or shoes or voice or something like that) but not the entirety.
Ugh, sounds horrid. But it also sounds like you deal with it pretty well.
I am sooooooooo with you on your *** point.
Yeah, I'd agree that the seminar thing is just plain rude. Of course, I've never practiced Science in the South.
The dinner invite thing is so true, though. I laughed when I read it. I definitely miss the small talk and pleasantries of the South. But I don't really think that people turn around and say the opposite after I'm gone. (Maybe they do, and I'm just ignorant?)
The first US city I lived in was in the South, and the "surface friendliness" you describe definitely surprised me. A lot of people were genuinely friendly underneath that surface, but not all were.
Having said that, now that I no longer live in the South, I sometimes miss that friendliness, even if it is just on the surface. People here can just be plain rude without even making any attempt at being courteous!
Amanda: Yes, I know, I sort of mixed apples and oranges... but the thing is that since people are all smiles most of the times it is really hard to tell the apples from the oranges.
And I think the passive aggressiveness makes it harder to give straightforward critique sometimes. Not just a South thing for sure.
Cath: who like junior high school? really I mean?
SGG: I don't think all of them do. It is more the fact that some of them do and I have linked it more to the south than to the people in question.... I am sure there are heaps of them back home too - although since we aren't too friendly to start with the show isn't there. If that makes any sense?
MH: It is good grease most of the times. It is just that sometimes it gets to me. I guess it would get to me that people were rude, didn¨t use "excuse me" when they push forward etc either. I guess I was whiny ;) (and the last part is true of my old place back in the north. Everyoneis their own master or something like that,,,,)
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