When the flame is not there...

I have written before that when you have a certain feeling, a “surety”, the road doesn’t change even when it turns rocky. In other terms, when in doubt, keep steering forward, keep the course. All will be fine in the end.

It’s when the feeling isn’t sure. When the certainty isn’t there, that’s when the doubt starts to peck a little nagging hole. “Is this really what you want?” “Is this really worth it?”

And you are left with the question, “What’s going on?” and “What do I really want to do, since the road seems to be gone, the marsh land is everywhere and by God, how did I end up out here” (Yes, a slight feeling of silliness may appear too.)

That is almost where I am now.

To speak plainly. To have been involved (I use the term kind of loosely for “regular” people) since I was 14. To have been infatuated and then turning into admiration [for a certain tall, blonde Swedish Prince] since he played in the wrong team in Stockholm. Our nemesis.... it was a Romeo and Juliet story back then. He on that team. I, on the other (figuratively speaking of course, women didn’t play on the men’s hockey team yet).

Then he moved across the sea, to the province of Quebec and ended up in Toronto - in the lovely Canada. My heart was set. And then it was there, lost in the Leafs, fairly undisturbed throughout the years. Through the losses.... through the occasional wins... through the amazing points and goals He scored. And then came spring 2008.

That’s when I started to really falter. I wrote about it (here, first here ), my eyes were turned towards the Red Wings, the “Swedish team”. And I felt more confused than ever.

I know, I have left out the story about the side love - the Western team. I can’t be blamed for it, and it has never been a problem in my relation with the Leafs. They both know that the only way it would turn into a problem is when both of them meet in the Cup final. And oh, what a horrible punishment for me it will be then. They are quite sure that would teach me The lesson of having split loyalties... and I would never ever forget it, be sure of that.

Well, this last summer my love finally started to loose hold of my heart. Mostly because the Prince was not in agreement with the Leafs. It felt like someone was scorned, not necessarily wrongly but still it turned into a much uglier affair than it should have. (Granted though, most love affairs end with a mess, and usually someone innocent have to clean it up.) Very well, in the end the Prince decided to move to the Canucks and settle there. (Leaving the poor Leafs* in a worse situation since they did not have the possibility of replacing him properly.)

Surely that should have satisfied me? (I even wrote "I would have understood Vancouver")The Prince and my Western team in one. What could possible be wrong with that? Well, they say that once you have started to see the actual man behind the Prince, there is no turning back. Well, “they” were right. The shining armor isn’t really that shining anymore, the Prince is more of a cousin distant to the throne and the white horse turned out to be a donkey.

What’s a poor girl to do then?

I guess I have to suck it up and really show who has a heart in all this. Who has faith. And most of all, a donkey can be darned cute. And who needs a Prince after all? (You need someone who can score... goals... and win...)

I am not lying though, it would help immensely if the Canucks would stop loosing three games in a row. And of the Leafs could win at least one of those blasted plays against the montreal canadiens....

And I think I will have to get that Canucks shirt to upgrade my previous one. It’s what they say; in for a penny, in for a pound.

(I think Cath and Scientistmother might agree with me, although I know that they don’t share my love for the Leafs....)


*I have to say though, the Leafs - bless their hearts - have a silly management. Seriously, I don’t know what they have been doing but it ain’t right. And I don't know if I will survive the next time they meet the mc, the sniggering at the house will be too much... End of silly rant.