"I only read 5 books last week"*

"Predicting one's chances of developing a genetic condition, is like finding a penny in the ocean."

To quote Dr Reed, the prodigy doctor in the TV series Criminal Minds. He is scared that he will fall into his mother's condition, schizophrenia, and as he is in his mid20ies where the schizophrenic breaks usually happen he is starting to get anxious since it's nothing he can really do about it apart from wait... and hope it doesn't happen.

The idea that you know that you might fall into a place where your mind isn't your friend, that you might see or hear things that aren't real - but you can't discern which are and which are not.... and all you can do is live your life and wait for the years to pass and then maybe never have that break... not the most pleasant time, rather positively atrocious.

A friend of mine experienced his break at a foreign airport when he was 21. Not the best place maybe (if there really is a good place?). Although it did mean that he got under medical supervision fairly fast and could get properly diagnosed. We talked about it when he got back home. The feeling of not understanding what happens and all of a sudden having the intense feeling everyone is watching you, making snide remarks and not even knowing who is there for real and what you are imagining. He went on medication and for a few years he was fine. Then he decided (like many people who are feeling well while on medication) that he was cured and didn't need the pills anymore. (They had some pretty large side effects and he felt odd, out of place with them among other things.) Quitting cold turkey might be the worst thing you can do.... most medications need a weaning time... but at the time, I guess he didn't consider that part of it all. Or maybe just didn't care?

I wish there would be a good ending to this story, but this does not have that. His hallucinations told him he was useless and no good, that his family and friends would be better off if he wasn't there since he made us sad and disappointed in him. I once told him that I'd be ecstatic to move into his brain and fight those worthless, evil hallucinations out for good. Of course, I couldn't. Nor could he. I just wish that I could tell him that it's certainly not happier when he's not around, and that he is missed more than he ever thought.

The TV episode caught me a bit by surprise but I'd think my subconscious kept track of time better than I would have thought... Some anniversaries I would have hoped never to have to experience.

*Dr Reed states this as an indication that he is feeling out of wack since it's such a small number of books for him... and I thought it was one of those quirky and cute comments that some people say when they do not necessarily see why the statement is absolutely odd to others. I mean, I'd be happy to have finished 5 books last week... alas, I haven't had the time to read more than two...