Where do we go from here?*

Last couple of weeks has been about writing and editing my CV and looking for new places to go. This since my postdoctoral position is up within a few months. It’s been a few years since I was in this position – thinking what I want to do with my life work wise that is. Or, maybe it would be more accurate to say that I have never been in this position since I embarked on my post doc with the statement “I’ll try this post doc stuff and see if I am really a scientist and want to stay within academia”. Now when I think about it I am less sure and more uncertain. Some things are apparent to me; I love science and investigating things (i.e. bacteria and other stuff like it).

However, I am in doubt that I am cut out for academia and applying for grants and living the “two year life” with reapplying grants based on my wonderful publications… I think I might be better in an environment where people collaborate a little more, that said this might be an experience specific to my “large high profile institute”(tm) where people seem to be more afraid of loosing ideas and research to others? Then again, I think it might be more in my line of style to be in a different environment all together?

The sum of all my thinking so far is that I don’t know. The unusual feeling for me is that I feel almost excited about the fact that I have no clue what or where I am going to end up in September. I have a feeling, and is quite convinced, that I will go back “home” to the motherland, or at least Europe (already throwing in other parameters…). The main fear? To end up unemployed for more than two months, staying at a couch at one of my friends.

Do I really think that will happen? Not really. Although, I have decided to focus on positive things rather than “what will I do if nothing pans out as I kind of want it”. It seems like a waste of energy to think about the bad-worst scenario at this moment. (Let’s save that for June or so when I am sure I will be more in a panicky state than now. And when I have to be more panicky than now.)

Overall, I am surprised by myself, in a positive way. Not only after looking at my CV the other day and realizing that I actually liked it. “It looks impressive and I have skills and experience that I would want in someone that I want to hire.”

I guess it is only to embody that feeling in my cover letters that I will be sending out, starting next week.

Furthermore, the best insight last week? That the people I contacted about “helping out” since they have friends at places where I would really like to go responded with a “sure thing, anything I can do to help your transition”. And again I wonder why I didn’t think that they would come through with that enthusiasm? Need to believe in my friends and the people who have worked with me in the past. I am, after all, quite good (my mind screams – you should write ok or average but hey…) at what I do.

Now it’s time to get dressed and head out for a little Saturday night craziness. Or at least a pint or two with friends. Tomorrow is another day in lab, checking the experiments and trying to interpret the data (that looks really interesting by the way).

Maybe this is the new improved me? So far, I feel happy about it. Let’s hope it stays that way.

(Haven’t gotten a reply on the two most important emails I sent though… I hope they will be replied soon since I can’t really apply for that job next week until I have confirmation that the emails were received and got a positive response.)

*title inspired by that episode of BtVS where it is discovered that she went to heaven but her friends brought her back since they thought she was in hell... indeed, where do you go in your relationships after that?