scared

The personal thing to write, today of all days, 10 days before Christmas.

It is wonderful to realize that after "one of those 10 days with time points" I am always feeling a little blue, a little down and a little contemplative. It is when I want to bundle up in my house and write my thoughts down. Write and rest. And well, this weekend is not going to be that. It is going to be writing, for sure, but maybe not personal thoughts but rather the manuscript. My abandoned baby (I guess I could have called it that but at the moment it is almost like ‘the thing that could have been something’ or maybe, since it is more optimistic, ‘the thing that can be’.)

And still, the one thing on my mind today is kisses… Why, the mind is really a fantastic piece of equipment.

I dreamt of guerilla war and shooting guns last night. I dreamt of running in zig zag down a hill when a man was behind me shooting after me with a rifle. He missed and I rolled, like a child playing, down the hill and started once again to run. I tried to remember what the man looked like when I woke up but couldn’t. At least it wasn’t a known face, not Him or something like that.

And then I talked to ‘the friend who is almost done with her PhD’ and realized that it is hard to motivate one self when you know that there isn’t a path clear for you after that dissertation (or in my case the paper). The notion that “you have the world in front of you and can do whatever you like” isn’t really what you want to hear since it feels like there are too many choices. To many possibilities of mistakes to be made.

And then I said it out loud. Imagine how sad I will be when I am old and realize how much time and effort I have spent being scared of living my life or worrying about the future. Live in the now. Enjoy now. And really, don’t worry. Because when you really look into it, what is the worst thing that can happen to you?

And I promise I will try for real this time. Carpe diem. (I really hate throwing quotes like that out but still, it has a point here.) And I will not live like everyday is my last but I will try and remember that if nothing else, I still have my health, friends, family, some money in the bank and a security system that will not allow me to live on the streets and for now, a job that I actually don’t think I suck at as much as I tend to think.

Maybe this will be the good New Year? The year that this year wasn’t but still I know it was too early so next year might be too early too. But seriously, I am fed up with this worrying thing and the feeling that what ever I do it is not enough. ‘You can always do something better and you should strive for that”

Or “Do what you do and live a little, explore life and dare enjoy the kisses that make your knees buckle and your heart racing”.

I think I will try that. Hopefully tonight.