I had thought to write a happier post, and something regarding how lovely it is when things come together and enjoying vacation and happy things.
Then this morning happened and I can't help but revert into a little more of an old school "venting" post. What happened? This morning I opened my old computer to start skype, it's Sunday and I'm home which equals "family call day". Lo and behold skype told me I needed to download the newest application since mine was out of date. I had a a sneaky suspicion when I pressed "download" that this wasn't going to work since my computer is old, the OS is old but since the application I was using didn't open I really had no choice.
As suspected the new application doesn't work on my old OS. I had to log into the "skype for web". And at that application (or whatever you call it) none of my contacts are added. Fascinating in itself to me. I have an app on my computer, my iphone and now on the web with the same log in and the various places don't have the same contact list. I don't even know how this is going to sort out and needless to say I felt a little tired since obviously my easy "family call Sunday" isn't going to be so easy now.
And I know that I have to go and purchase a new computer - and with it comes all the details to fix. How to store the photos that I currently have on the harddrive. The new laptop doesn't have as much memory since everything now is build to save on the cloud.... I have it all on a hard drive since I'm not online all the time. And again, hard drives aren't 200 GB anymore. This is even before me thinking about all the other small programs that I use that either will have to be updated and losing information, or starting to use something new.
Again, I know that this is a _me_ problem. I am not the best with learning new things. And especially not when it comes to things that I rely on to keep my family relationships intact. Of course, anyone who reads between the lines (or has read this blog before) knows that family and relationships are a thing for me anyway. The stress is there always. As previously stated, some of us have accepted a larger than good responsibility for maintaining these relationships. If I would've had a choice back in the day, I wouldn't had made it this way. Alas, no use crying over spilled milk. I've decided to handle it and as long as skype, phone, email and vacations work - there is less friction and sometimes less stress.
I wrote on twitter a few weeks ago; "if you want to soften me up for an interrogation, leave me at a car service place". That happens to be my number two stressor, the Car. Or rather, if something happens with the car. Why? because I live in a city where there is very little public transport and I am depending on a reliable car to even get to work. Of course, I thought that was going to work out fine when I purchased a new car last year. Completely new and warranty. Go figure, when you run into a pothole and then get a flat tire - things can mess up. Of course it wasn't too bad, but it took thrww trips to the service place to fix things. And with every time going there, the insight that I have to be the one on top of things. That's the drainage for me. That I have to be on top of the game, on the look out for someone trying to trick/scam/make a buck. That I have to ask control questions to check up if everything was done correctly, if nothing was forgotten. And that I have to do that when it comes to a car - I know little about cars. It's not my line of work. I guess a lot of this mess stems from an underlying feeling I have that I shouldn't have to know all of this, these are the professional people whom I'm paying to fix this. Yeah, I know. Life doesn't work that way.
And then as a kicker on top of this. I forgot that some of these family and friendly calls are mainly for others to vent and complain about how things aren't great for them. I know, I really do, that getting older is hard and that there are a lot of things rearing its head once you hit 70 or 40 for that matter. That there are a lot of us not having the lives that we thought we deserved or wanted. However, and it's probably the good thing for me here (since I'm in a little bit of an age related crisis), you have to look at your own life and if you want changes -you have to be open to change and also open to asking for help about it. There is little to gain of just complaining about how unfair and bad things are and then when getting some realistic suggestions on what can be done, scoff them off and then continue to complain.
Of course, I am aware that a lot of the complaining and venting isn't because people want to change. Neither themselves nor the situation. They just want to make sure that you hear the injustice that is happening to them. Or gain sympathy since their life isn't as good as others' lives seem to be. While I understand the urge, and trust me I go down that rabbit hole every so often as well (hello facebook and why we take breaks every once in a while), I am starting to have less energy to listen and care since I know now that it's never about solving the problem. It's about complaining and sharing the hurt and sometimes also getting support that "yes, you are quite right it's terribly unfair that this happens to you and you are so in the right of being angry and lashing out on them". Too bad that I've stopped handing out the last part but rather have acquiesced to a simple "hm" or "aha, I'm sorry". (Have to keep some of the relationships so radical honesty isn't in the cards, but rather some minimal sympathy.)
Where I am going with this venting rant? Apart from that I want a bunch of comments stating "aww you poor thing. Apple really is a bad evil company and surely you should be able to keep your computer for over 10 years without an issue" [just kidding - I'm fully aware that in today's society this is a pipe dream and I've put off the purchase of computer for many years so... no worries]
I really mainly wanted to write it here to rationalize that it's important for my sanity (and quite possibly for some of you dear readers who might be in similar situations at times) to remember that
a) I can't fix other people
b) I can't help other people who doesn't want to be helped
c) with age comes some insight or feelings that maybe there are some less than stellar decisions back in the day that now will haunt you a little
d) guilt is not a great feeling. There is however, most often forgiveness and possibility of repenting
e) friendships are not one sided. (or at least they shouldn't be in my opinion) You need to take care of the other person and let them have time from you, if you want time from them
What I'm going to do now? Try and sync my contacts from my phone and the "web app" to see if I can at least get something to work so I can call my family. And I'll try to keep a good energy in these calls even if I'm very tempted to never mind the whole thing and go outside into the sun and take a hike in the forest. As one wants to do in the summer time....
Happy summer
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