It is funny that the second trail, or maybe it should be called "the redoing" or "confirmation" of my experiment seems to be not too good. This together with the feelings inside make me a fragile person at the moment. Well, I do have some friends here to keep me from thinking too much about anything since we are doing things every day and every evening. Yesterday was a the first day for only pizza and a movie back home. I almost fell asleep watching "Lucky # Slewin". A decent movie, with a different story. Although I kept thinking about The usual suspects. And of course, Josh Hartnett's eyes.
So, being somewhat frail I can always go back to a behaviour I had when I was 14.. .dreaming about the future when I would meet all these good looking movie stars... Now I know I will never meet them and almost 100% sure of that I don't really want to dream about the future at all. Everything I have dreamt of so far has just gone wrong, almost everything anyway. Or maybe I should be truthfully. Everything I have dreamt of that I wanted for me> i.e. phd, post doc abroad has been, if not accomplished yet but I have the opportunity. The things that has gone quite the opposite would be wedding and love life. Yes, that being things you need to be two... I might have to face the music. I am not meant to have someone that loves me and be happy about it. It's just me and the question now becomes, will I be a halfdecent scientist with no family or friends or should I do sometyhing completely different with my life now? Maybe I should just go back home and try and find a real job - something 9-5 with not too much brainactivity and then look for an apartment where I can live the rest of my life in.
On the other hand I don't see myself living that kind of life. Maybe I can become the "auntie" of all my friends children... the strange lady who writes bad novellas and talks to herself in the small apartment with only dead plants in it? (I didn't mention that I really don't have a green finger in my entire body. I love Succiilentus since they survive when I forget to give them water every week.)
Ah well... I know where I am heading now and it is not the best solution. I should just go home and prepare for the happy sighseeing for today. Next week I am alone for real. Then I can work all day and all night so I don't need to think. Wonderful.
welcome to the next day of you new life. Thanks, feeling so much better now.
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